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Old 10-14-2007, 11:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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First Lucid Dream - Frightening

Last night, I suddenly realized I was having a dream. I had taken melatonin before bed and the dream was so real and vivid. I asked myself what I should do, what is my desire? I decided that it was to try acid, which I have never been able to locate in real life. Immediately I was in my old highschool cafeteria at a table with all the friends whom I had abandoned back then, after learning that they were into drugs (I was very uptight in high school and ironically have gone on to become more of a druggie than any of them). It is one of the biggest regrets of my life, so I was overjoyed to be back with them even if only in a dream, about to try acid together for the first time. They had a whole lot of it so I figured, hey it's just a dream so I might as well take a huge dose!

I started to see the pattern of veins on the inside of my eyes overlaid onto my field of vision, pulsating in all different rainbow-like colors. I began to feel like I was watching myself from outside of my body, which was a bit unsettling. I started to realize that the container of my ego was breaking up and my awareness was leaking out. I hugged one of my friends but they were all made of plastic and lifeless now. I wanted to come back to "reality" but could not. I told myself it was a dream and I should be able to wake up if I wanted, but couldn't figure out how. I could only keep slipping further away, unable to grasp onto any particular moment. My whole existence drifted away from me and it looked like a spinning top with scenes from my life painted in little boxes on the side. It spun and spun and I kept trying to grab on and squeeze back into one of the scenes, I didn't care which one, I just wanted back into my life, but I could not fit in. It was an impossibility, like trying to climb into a toy car. What a strange thing to have a bad trip from a dream!

At this point, I became convinced that I was no longer having a dream so much as a real experience of ego separation. I was completely lost in a void. I felt like I was gigantic and tiny at the same time, an uncomfortable yet strangely familiar sort of feeling, and I didn't know where to go to get back to my life because there was nowhere to go. All of life was merely a figment of my own mind. There was only this awareness that I call me, and I was utterly alone. There was no God to call to because I was the only thing in existence. There was no mom, no dad, no family, no friends, because they were all just my imaginations. Might as well run to my own little toe for help! In every direction of infinity, forever in the past and in the future, with no time really existing at all, there was only me. Words can never describe this feeling - it was beyond loneliness and beyond horror, to know that I am utterly alone, that everything I thought I knew was just a dream concocted by my own mind to escape from the terrible emptyness of the void.

I woke up after that moment of despair and now that I am awake, I can't shake the feeling. I can't stop feeling like my life is a dream, that everyone I know is actually just a personality dreamt up by my own mind, that even my own self is an imagination, and that really there is nothing at all, nothing whatsoever, except for this one mind with no dimensions and no time that dreams up life to escape the horror of its utter isolation. I think I now understand the meaning of the Zen phrase "I alone am the world-honored one."

Now I think that it must be truly horrible to be God, to be IT! Nothing else beyond you or apart from you, no help, no world, no god to pray to, no nothing except your own self. Maybe he couldn't take it and blew himself up into fragments just so he'd have some company and something to do for a while, and that's what our universe is. Maybe we are so frantic to live this life because we're terrified of the truth, that we are all that is, and we are ALONE! We are fingers and toes making friends with eachother, making up stories and dramas so that we don't have to think about the terrible eternal nothingness. I'm really scared and I feel like I'm losing my mind whatever that is.
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