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swear to god
this one night i'm out in the boonies with a few friend of mine on their psuedo farm. now, having just gotten over a break up, i'm hittin pretty hard. i'm going cowboy on this bottle of soco hunny proof with a buddy around a campfire.
drink, bullshit, drink, bullshit. buddy falls out of chair.
he was leaning back in a big laugh and fuckin fell backwards on his chair. the whole congregation, including myself, are laughing our asses off.
blah blah blah drink more drink more
same shit happens to me.
i'm wasted ... like gone beyond gone
i tried to hit on this girl to no avail ... prude ass bitch. i probably made it quite clear earlier int he drunken stages that my plan was to get my dick wet. yeahhh not so much.
no worries though
i've packin a damn near lethal BAC thus i have not a care in the world.
then a jingle from the cell. it's the girl i just broke up with.
well goddamit i'm super man and nothin but hell or high water is going to stop me from this 20 minute drive back to the city. i inform said posse and they oblige, with one stipulation ... they use the pisser first.
let me tell you something about myself. i'm impatient. i need constant stimulation. always in need of another factor.
so
i fuckin leave.
*sound of vhs fast forwardin*
get pulled over for "weaving inside my lane"
now give me credit
i have a sinister BAC, cruisin down a country road at 50 (speed limits 45) and the only thing i get pulled over for is weaving inside my lane. mind you this is an 04 wrangler rubicon, stick. fuck .. a fart could send this tin coffin off road at these speeds.
okay okay yeah i shouldn't have been driving yeah yeah we're all human yeah yeah fuck
fast forward again, and i'm sittin in a jail cell with these two other messed up fucks. my cell is gone, and lord knows that this day in age we dial by contacts (this was about 4 years ago)
the only number i can remember is a friend of mines mother. she's cool. she bails me out and drives me back to her place. now i've only known this lady eddy hascal style mind you ... so my actions were likely surprising.
first thing from her in the car: "need a cigarette?"
fuck.
yes.
and keep em comin sister.
now this lady, my friend mom, i have always been curious about. she was a peculiar gal and i knew there was somethin fishy about her.
hand me a cigarette?
nothin out of the ordinary.
we get back to the house. i'm damn near sober from this experience.
she comes in with margaritas ... this is at about 3am. i knew there was hell to pay the next day so i graciously accepted.
we're drinkin into the night, and then she does it.
"i'll be right back"
this lady, whom i considered a saint of sorts, walks out with a nasty big bong, some of the sickest nuggleage i've ever seen, and a few oc80s.
she goes "hit this i'm going to grab a mirror"
now
at this point
i'm flabbergasted, but fucked up to the point that i respond like it's normal business
"yes, you've got yourself a deal ms. ______"
she wasn't hot otherwise i woulda tried to fuck her. but it was a good night.
i slept til noon. i start callin folk, only to find out that a good majority of the police department is looking for me (in a good way), due to friends connections with law enforcement.
fuck
i just went home.
got a million of em folks
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