Dr. Drew

This is one of the few threads I have ever made in G&S; I usually don't like telling people how I feel, especially when shit is going bad...

I am wondering why I keep doing the same destructive shit, even when I know it's wrong and making my future seem dismal.

In january 08 I started doing a bunch of tar (H), and blow when I couldn't get tar. I had a job, but spent all of my money on tar and ended up owing people money..
I started going to outpatient rehab in order to help my court case (marijuana possesion and paraphenilia). After a while I bought into what they were teaching and got clean for a short while, my life seemed to get better, albeit boring.
After a while, I started smoking bud again, then started doing tar and blow again. Lost my job, due to an unrelated reason.
So I started pawning my shit, and some of my mom's shit (that I hoped she wouldn't miss(which I feel horrible about)). When I ran out of shit to pawn, besides really valuable shit, I started stealing dvd's and such to sell back to the used disc store tp get tar. At the time all of this was going on, I knew I was in the wrong, but I would get impulses to do it, and give in.

Gained and lost a couple more jobs, ended up getting another possesion and para ticket meanwhile. Got caught stealing from a store, and a couple weeks later stealing money from work. During this time I couldn't find tar for a while so I was doing a lot of benzo's and shit..

My mom got fed up with my shit and sent me to live with my dad, very far away. This worked at well, because I knew noone where my dad lives. Was going to N/A meetings (which were ok, but boring, hard for me to get into, but I didn't try that hard), and was clean for about 8 months.. Minus smoking bud here and there. Eventually I made friends and found connects for bud, started smoking all the time. Stopped going to meetings because I kept myself busy with school, and had decent friends to chill with and just smoke weed.

A few months later I met kids who could get boy, I told myself I was just going to try it out once in a while because I had never done powder H (which was retarded). Eventually I started doing more and more H, then started stealing shit again to buy it. Got in trouble again stealing my moms hydrocodones that she didn't need anymore while on vacation. She caught me and realized that a necklace was missing that I had taken a long time ago. Me and her had a falling out; today I finally confessed and apologized to her.

So here I am; doing H again, stealing shit so I can afford it, did blow tonight because I couldn't get H...
I tried to resist the temptation to do all of this today, but I gave in.

I wish that I could just get a job and a girlfriend, and make school my top priority again(made 3.5 last spring).
But I fear that I will just spend all the money that I earn on drugs (again), lie to a girlfriend (like my past girl), and let school start slipping.

I'm gonna go to an N/A meeting on Friday, but I don't think that will help much... I'm just tired of repeating the same stupid cycle.

Sorry that this post was very long and not very coherent, I just needed to get that all out. I need to try to find a way to stop doing this.

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