Mydriasis

I guess I don't mean all people, but rather just some people. Like people who are constantly trying to judge or grade me. I really can't stand observant 'energy'. I feel like it shatters me completely and makes me feel pathetic and limited.

I haven't eaten in two days because my brother's girl-friend has been over and she and my brother never leave the kitchen. I'm not starving or dieing or something, it's just a huge pain in the ass.

I've blown off dates with women who I had strong feelings towards(if a girl is setting up a date for you she's really reaching imo). I can eat infront of my friends and family no problem. Just when things are irky or the people are all wrong, I'd rather starve and die to be honest.

I get locked up with anxiety sometimes, I think it's my response to avoid blacking-out/fainting. I've gotten pretty hurt from blacking out while I'm still walking(or falling out of chairs) and then it's degrading if people are around, so I usually black out again after getting back up. It's kind of a sick cycle.

It's funny I'm not afraid to trip out of my mind, explore any area of consciousness or philosophical belief. I just have no ego, I really can not be graded or judged too much or I physically and mentally crumble.

I don't wanna get too into my anxiety issues I'd scare half you people off, haha.

I'm not gonna go see another psychiatrist. I've been on lots of meds(quit them all they were ruining my life), tried therapy but I couldn't even show up because that's part of the very problem... I made a collage(poster board size) out of used medication bottle labels for art-class in high-school. My teacher asked me what they were for and I left her class and dropped it.

Used to use a bunch of hard-core downers to just do some things(giving speeches/presentations or when I knew there'd be team work days in class). Imagine shooting dope and popping 2mg clonazepam at 6:00am just to give a speech for school(used to be pretty routine for me in high-school and my first year of college which of course I dropped out of). Then I became dependent on all of them and they were killing me, so I quit so props to that, but now I don't give speeches(yes prof I'll take a zero) or eat in-front of people in certain circumstance. But the underlying issue is still present.

It's illogical I'll be the first to admit, and I probably just sound dumb or whatever, but might as well try yahooka for advice.

I guess what I'm asking for really is just some ideas/advice on how to deal with paralyzing fear or fear that prevents you from living a normal and/or healthy life.

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