HTAM

^I'm shoulder to shoulder with SM about 'learn to forgive yourself'

There isn't a 'hookan here that hasn't made poor choices or bad decisions in their lives. We just don't all post about them.

This is a 'destructive' year and a half or so that you have talked about. But, it sounds like you are aware of it. Clearly enough, by your recollection.

What I would recommend you do is honestly consider the things, people, or places that are 'triggers' for you to use. And walk away. Because, right now, you've surrounded yourself surrounded with compulsive behavior and decision making.

Dealing with boredom was also mentioned in another post. I also agree that you need to do that, by finding something else to do besides these things you have talked about. You're going to have to find something that is time consuming. An easy way to approach that is by scheduling each day out, hour by hour, from the moment you wake up, until the moment your head lands on your pillow. And commit to that schedule no matter what.

Don't take shit off of anyone (you may have to walk away from) about it either.

You ever hear people talk about how they would of done things differently if they'd known then what they know now? It's true. Right now, you know that you know you want to change. Down the road, I bet you'll know that you needed to.

Give up on destroying yourself.
Fail at it. I'm right behind you, Double D.

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