Cerpin Taxt

Lately I have been feeling this kind of indifference about where I am at in life.

I am on the brink of finishing University, but have absolutely no clue what I am going to do with my life.

My close group of friends don't seem to be enough, but it's almost as if the effort of finding new ones would be fruitless. Why?

I feel like I don't completely fit in with my surroundings.

I havn't discovered that TRUE passion in my life, and my aimlessness is numbing my brain.

I havn't had a girlfriend in 2 years, but I don't really know if I want one at his point. Why would I bring someone into my life when I have no clue about what I'm doing with my own? Add the fact that I seem incapable of meeting girls outside of a drinking game, and my libido seems so dormant that the extra little 'kick' towards doing so isn't there, and I'm left alone, lonely, but not lonely.

I try to get excited about weekends, but it's always the same shit, with the same people, going to the same places, doing the same thing, and wasting money. But then, in the next sentence, those are some of the funnest times I have.

Why is this feeling so cyclical? Why does any change I make become swept under the rug of habits that have engrained themselves within me since before I even knew the context in which I even exist? Why is it that any time I feel there is change, there is but only temporary delay of the usual.

Why is it that sometimes when driving on a two-lane street, I imagine what it would feel like to suddenly swerve into the other lane into oncoming traffic and into a head on collision?

Why do I want to love but feel incapable, why is it that I want passion but feel only emptiness, why is it that I am constantly fucking about in this world inside my head while ignoring the world around me?

I know I need to do something, but I am unsure about whether it's a matter of me figuring it out, or whether I already know and just need the cohones.


P.S. This is NOT depression, I've been depressed and this is a different, somewhat unfamiliar feeling...

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Step Back. Evaluate. Recognize.

"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."
-Eckhart Tolle

-If you try to destroy him to save them, they'll destroy you to save him-