YaHooka Forums - View Single Post

scottishbastard · 10-30-2009, 06:05 AM

Throughout my life I've seen/experienced a decent amount of tragedy and chaos. I watched my grandma die of lung cancer when I was 4-6, my dad was an alcoholic who couldnt keep a job, I was nerdy and fat as a kid so I got picked on a lot, several friends that I grew up with died, I got raided by the dea when I was 17 which fucked up my family financially, my dad died two years after that, I got hooked on opiates from 17-22, my girlfriend almost died towards the end of my addiction etc.
On top of that shit I've been dealing with mental illness and severe insomnia/anxiety for most of my life (most notably since I was 16).

I got interested in Zen and meditation when I was about 16 and since then have expanded my spiritual curiosity to everything from pantheism to judeo-christianity etc. Other things like quantum mechanics, jungian/freudian psychology etc. have influenced me as well.

I've found that recently when bad things happen (i.e. A friend go's to the hospital, someone dies, I misplace a large amount of money) I don't really care too much. I left an apartment full of my possessions in LA a few months back and dont trip too much about the shit I dont have anymore.

In so many ways I am happier than I've ever been...Or I guess a better word for it would be that I'm more at peace with life than I've ever been. I'm still very anxious and get quite depressed/angry sometimes. But compared to how I was 10 years ago, I feel much better.

Now here's the problem. Recently my friends and girlfriend seem to be kind of upset with me. They all say I dont really care about whats going on and it seems like some of them are just about fed up. When something breaks, or something go's wrong I just kind of laugh, because it's all very comical to me. I dont take very many things seriously.

Things like money and sex just dont mean much to me anymore. I feel that I've accidentally slipped into the whole zen mentality. I've disconnected from my need for acception, love, money, sex etc. and it's hard to make myself want any of them.

On one hand I may lose everyone I care about, but I'm afraid that trying to reverse this will bring me back into a place where all I care about is materials, money, sex, human acception etc. And I know I wasnt happy like this.

What is your input on this? It's really starting to bubble up to the surface now, affecting my life and whatnot. Is there such thing as being too centered? Is it more valuable to have people and not have mental/spiritual peace, or to lose everyone and be content?

Thanks dudes.

10-30-2009, 06:05 AM	#1 (permalink)
scottishbastard ARGH! FUCK! KILL! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Castaic/Los Angeles California BITCHES! Posts: 1,956 Thanks: 32 Thanked 67 Times in 58 Posts	Zen Crisis :( Throughout my life I've seen/experienced a decent amount of tragedy and chaos. I watched my grandma die of lung cancer when I was 4-6, my dad was an alcoholic who couldnt keep a job, I was nerdy and fat as a kid so I got picked on a lot, several friends that I grew up with died, I got raided by the dea when I was 17 which fucked up my family financially, my dad died two years after that, I got hooked on opiates from 17-22, my girlfriend almost died towards the end of my addiction etc. On top of that shit I've been dealing with mental illness and severe insomnia/anxiety for most of my life (most notably since I was 16). I got interested in Zen and meditation when I was about 16 and since then have expanded my spiritual curiosity to everything from pantheism to judeo-christianity etc. Other things like quantum mechanics, jungian/freudian psychology etc. have influenced me as well. I've found that recently when bad things happen (i.e. A friend go's to the hospital, someone dies, I misplace a large amount of money) I don't really care too much. I left an apartment full of my possessions in LA a few months back and dont trip too much about the shit I dont have anymore. In so many ways I am happier than I've ever been...Or I guess a better word for it would be that I'm more at peace with life than I've ever been. I'm still very anxious and get quite depressed/angry sometimes. But compared to how I was 10 years ago, I feel much better. Now here's the problem. Recently my friends and girlfriend seem to be kind of upset with me. They all say I dont really care about whats going on and it seems like some of them are just about fed up. When something breaks, or something go's wrong I just kind of laugh, because it's all very comical to me. I dont take very many things seriously. Things like money and sex just dont mean much to me anymore. I feel that I've accidentally slipped into the whole zen mentality. I've disconnected from my need for acception, love, money, sex etc. and it's hard to make myself want any of them. On one hand I may lose everyone I care about, but I'm afraid that trying to reverse this will bring me back into a place where all I care about is materials, money, sex, human acception etc. And I know I wasnt happy like this. What is your input on this? It's really starting to bubble up to the surface now, affecting my life and whatnot. Is there such thing as being too centered? Is it more valuable to have people and not have mental/spiritual peace, or to lose everyone and be content? Thanks dudes. __________________ Yeah but you're going to do what you wanna do No matter what I ask of you You think you hold the high hand I've got my doubts I come from Chino where the asphalt sprouts ..... And even if I have to go to Claremont Well I guess I'll just have to go to Claremont Let me go Let me lie low Yeah but you're going to do what you wanna do No matter what I ask of you And you send your dark messengers to tempt me I come from Chino so all your threats are empty - the mountain goats