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I dont try to laugh "at" people's pain, but I have a hard time taking anything seriously. I see that life is a big, strange experience and weird things happening seems very normal to me. For instance if my guitar gets stolen (which it did) I bitch for about 20 seconds and then just laugh about it. Like "Its just a piece of wood and metal".
And I am compassionate. Thats one thing thats strange. I care a lot about other's feelings and situations, so much that I dont care about my own. I spend more time talking to my friends trying to help them with their girlfriends/sex lives that I no longer focus on my own.
You are right that it may be a "cover up" for unresolved emotional issues, but all I can say is that I feel at peace now, where as I never have before. The only people unhappy with my choices are the people around me.
I dont know if Im enlightened or not. I dont think so, but I feel like Ive seen the other side of the mountain and I feel "wrong" turning back now.
Im just sort of at a loss...For instance this summer when I moved back here I tried to take care of myself. I was working out, shaving every day, hanging out with "normal" people like my gf's cousins, drinking beer, playing beer pong...But I couldnt stop myself from thinking how bullshit it all was. I was putting on an act. The last couple months Ive been slipping into a very comfortable place and I just feel like its the only good option.
I really thank you guys for your input. And I do agree that what im experiencing is only partially zen, and part defense mechanism.
And yes I do meditate. Thats actually whats been bringing me to this feeling. I had tons of trouble meditating for years, but the last few months Ive found myself slipping into a state of anti-thought while meditating. I just kind of wake up an hour later and go "How long have I been sitting here?".
I enjoy life very much. My favorite things to do are play with my dog, watch the sun come up, go for walks, smoke a bowl with friends etc.
I dont know...Im just a bit confused about it all. I feel like Im ready to make the leap, but Im afraid of the people around me who are affected by this. The main problem is my girlfriend. She thinks Im not interested in her anymore and is getting all self consious. I love her more than anything, and she is truly beautiful (as in way to good for me beautiful)...Im not a homosexual, so she cant see why I have very little interest in sex recently. I guess I cant either.
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Yeah but you're going to do what you wanna do
No matter what I ask of you
You think you hold the high hand
I've got my doubts
I come from Chino where the asphalt sprouts
.....
And even if I have to go to Claremont
Well I guess I'll just have to go to Claremont
Let me go
Let me lie low
Yeah but you're going to do what you wanna do
No matter what I ask of you
And you send your dark messengers to tempt me
I come from Chino so all your threats are empty
- the mountain goats
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