|
Wow, you've had a lot of shit to deal with. Sometimes apathy is a type of self-protection... it's a type of psychological shock. The mind and body become disconnected. This is a rather genious way to deal with/ avoid pain but the problem is that you cannot go through life outside of your body. By doing this, you are denying parts... beautiful and necessary parts, of yourself. Many of us who go through tragedy and mourning, especially as kids do not have the support needed to go through it properly. As a result, we find ways to deal that work well at the time but may serve to harm us in the long run. Sometimes the talk of letting go of the ego can lead to undesirable effects. Your ego is who you are. If there is no meaning, then every single thing is the most meaningful thing! Allowing ourselves to experience the emotions fully, allows them to leave our body and rids us of blockages that can lead to such things as physical and mental illnesses. Live in the now... don't judge your emotions, but experience them, don't judge your judgments but observe them.
"Every man is more than just himself; he also represents the unique, the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which the world's phenomena intersect, only once in this way, and never again."
— Hermann Hesse
Your interests and path can serve you well. Meditation can serve to disconnect you from pain and sometimes that is appropriate. Another thing that meditation can do is to open you to answers lying inside or above yourself. Ask a question and meditate on this. Your subconscious mind can answer questions even in your dreams. Ask for guidance, write it down, say it aloud... get all of the senses involved and then sleep on it and write down your dreams.
Apathy is common with depression.
|