The SARS Volta

This is a rough thing to come to terms with, whether you are the one who's not feeling it anymore, or the one that isn't getting felt.

I have a friend who is very into me. I drunkenly hooked up with him months ago, but I now regret it as I have gotten to know him even better as a person.
His (previously hidden) undesirable qualities was the thing to kill it:
he's racist, childish, insecure, currently refuses to go to school or get a job, is 100% financially dependent on his rich conservative parents who are eternally willing to dole it out to him, doesn't have many interests, hobbies or goals, and has standards that ascend his reach for categories other than females.
He has a good heart, but is largely ignorant. Highly critical of women's looks while he doesn't take great care of himself or his appearance. Most likely to conceal his many insecurities (he fishes for compliments). This is the type of guy who would call Cindy Crawford fugly for having a mole, while he is clearly not the picture of perfection that he expects in a mate.

This guy still thinks he can fuck me although I obviously haven't indulged that. I've learned my lesson--early impressions of people are not enough to go by, as people will intentionally conceal their negative character attributes. Is there any way to tell him I'm not attracted to him without causing a shitstorm? It's not like we are dating or ever were, but I don't want to do more than just get him to stop trying. We get along fine, but for obvious reasons it's never going to be more.

Similar experiences? This story is my equivalent to a seemingly nice girlfriend who can't get along with your friends or family and embarrasses you publicly.

edit/disclaimer: No, I'm not looking for perfection in a mate and I acknowledge my own flaws, but this is a scenario of shit gone unexpectedly wrong.

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José

Is he good friends with your good friends or something? This shouldn't be that hard if you really think there's that much wrong with him. There's got to be something you like about him if it's that hard to tell him off.


Just let him know you aren't into him any more. You don't even have to tell him that straight up, it should be pretty obvious.

I hate that shit though how some girls can't see right through guys when the other people watching can. Some times you have to just take a step back.

I've also heard that girls decide whether they'd fuck or not in the first 5 minutes of meeting the guy, is this true? Cause it makes sense the more I think about it.

my_scatterheart

Really depends what his advances are like, yanno?
For example if he's subtle then it's like "Listen, I'm kinda into someone else man, I'm sorry." but if it's aggressive shit just tell him to piss off.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Silverleaf

sounds like a real prick.

give him the ole ax, sars. it might be the best thing that's ever happened to him.

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The SARS Volta

Nowhere near that quick in this case, lol. Still too soon, which has become clear to me.

We do get along, but I bite my tongue a lot knowing that I don't think it's worth trying to change his points of ignorance, or even fair to try and do that. At a friendship level his quirks are tolerable, but it may need to be assessed that sex will not happen again and dating won't happen at all, as not to mislead him. Plus, now it's creepy to me and probably awkward for him when he tries to persuade.

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Mydriasis

Yick, being honest is your best bet. Just be like "Hey I don't like you like that". He's gonna get upset but it's REALLY not your fault he sucks.

He sounds like he's got some issues. This is one of those times when drunken debotchary comes back to slap you in the face.

Or you could always lie, and be like "So I met the coolest guy ever" or something. Which is really childish but it's another option.

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The SARS Volta

Yeah I can't be against his immaturity while combating it with something just as bad. I know for a fact that he's sabotaged intimacy with other girls in the past, and it's unfortunate since he is blind to his own ways of putting other people off.

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Jack Straw

Hey Sars,

___It is always a tricky situation when one's into it and the other is not. You have to handle this matter with precision if you want to continue a friendship with this dude. I assume you do since you created this thread.
___Fortunately in my experience drunken hookups between friends have resulted in only mistaken one night stands. (or lucky nights when the stars were aligned) Which were very easily swept underneath the rug or, known only by the two who gave into temptation that one late night.. with a few exceptions.
___In a few cases it spawned repeated diddlings leading to a relationship, but rarely. My friends are very.. flippant towards sexual relations. We recognize that the body wants what the body wants (as does the heart) so we don't let things progress to that awkward stage where the friendship is just shot to shit.
___Here's a personal account of a friend I fooled around with a couple times yet retained the friendship:
I was having everyone over for some drinking and merriment. Dancing, singing, conversing, the whole shibang. It started gettin later in the night. Things started to wind down and a girl led me upstairs to my room without any notice whatsoever. I've known her for say, around a year and had never felt that buzz from her before but when nature calls some respond. After we were done she put her clothes on and left. I kinda scratched my head, called it a good day and went to sleep.
She comes back over the next day for more. Talkin bout she wants a fuck buddy. Booty calls on the low. So we hooked up a few more times. Finally the next week we did it for the last time. We are still frenz to this day and I will now try to explain how we ended the physical relationship yet retained the friendship.
___This girl and I have known each other for awhile. We are very chill people. We never made a big deal out of sex. Which is hard not to do on a personal level. B/c our culture makes a huge deal out of sexual activity, which socializes the individual to as well. People like to be pleasured. It's a god-given experience to be cherished, enjoyed, and savored. The hard part is breaking the physical relationship w/out hurting the other ones feelings. Which I did successfully. After the last time I didn't bluntly say 'yo, I don't want to do you anymore.' You basically have to go about your thoughts like the sex happening was not a big deal at all. The sex was a normal activity you and him participated in. Like going to the zoo. Do you guys go to the zoo every week? hell naw, you went one time and who knows if you'll ever go again. If you can regard the sex as something of normal proclivity, you can subtly drop hints that you want to end the physical relationship.
___For example say he calls you and wants to come get hot n heavy, don't tell him 'sorry I don't think we can continue this sexual relationship' because that will hurt his feelings and weird him out, especially if he's insecure. Say something like "I've already got some plans for tonight." "Nah, I'm kinda tired." If you're in person remember body language speaks volumes. If you just halt the sex but don't directly address it. it becomes a non-issue. That's the way it worked with me. I ended the sex without ever telling her we are ending the sex. Sometimes I would come home from work and she would already be there wanting the D. I would come in, grab a beer, sit down on the couch, take some healthy swigs, belch a loud one, throw my smelly feet on the table, turn the tv on, and say 'What's up.' No ignoring her, no acting 'weird', I'd just act normal and eventually the sex just slipped out as easy as it slipped in.

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The time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted -John Lennon

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks. -John Muir

One man gathers what another man spills...

Silverleaf

ladiez say teh sex with me is like going to the zoo. i dunno wat that's about tho.

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Peace seeker

^^

either A or B
personally i would go with A

The SARS Volta

Good advice--everyone who contributed.

Personally I feel that in this case, hint-dropping won't work since he's not especially intuitive. n00b with girls = usually not going to 'get it'. I don't want to cause bad blood over something I don't see as very serious myself, while he does feel seriously because he is naive.
I remember hearing from many sources, him drunkenly punching out the windshield of his own car after a girl told him "no" when he asked her out. She left, and he destroyed his sports car (of course mommy and daddy paid it off). That event story is motivation to cut him out completely if anything.

I'm going to have to brace myself for some irritating insecurity-driven questions when it comes to me not wanting intimacy with him ("Am I ugly?!" "What's WRONG with me?!").
...I never wanted a GIRLfriend.

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CowMan

My recommendations would be that

a) be straight up. You are not interested in him that way so just flat out tell him. Let him know u had fun with him once but you're not interested in doing that anymore and to please stop making advances as it makes you uncomfortable and you'd like to still be friends with him. He should appreciate the honesty, but don't drag this confrontation out or make him feel bad.

b)Stop fucking people you are not interested in. Take some time to get to know a person first. Realize that these situation arise because you couldn't keep your legs closed and now you are paying for it. I know i've gone through many similar situations before i learned the lesson. You should really try to be more discriminate in choosing a mate then this. Take some knowledge from the situation instead of just doing the damage control. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. And being drunk is NOT an excuse.

Good luck.

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Mikey

no offense, but maybe you should re-evaluate the company you keep.

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RIP Gov

msicidron

seriously it sounds like this guy deserves it whether or not you like him.

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The SARS Volta

I did take time to get to know him, I believe he was selective about what information he decided to make available about himself before anything sexual happened. Being discriminate wasn't an issue until his true colors began to show. Besides, it's one thing to have sexual contact with someone whose character turns out to be questionable and another to try and make a relationship out of it.

Being drunk is certainly an excuse, even though I do take responsibility regardless.
Sure I got myself drunk, but booze alters judgment, memory, awareness and rationale in a way that few other substances will. This taking place certainly inspired me to re-evaluate my use of alcohol a while ago--I have not been intoxicated in over two months.

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The SARS Volta

No shit, I can say that now--all this was revealed in the "oops, too late"-stage.

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The SARS Volta

You got it. I don't want to come off as hateful toward him when all I am is regretful with my past actions.

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osirus2020

So basically you fucked him and now he's just being a clingy SOB? It doesn't sound like an unrealistic scenario.

Do you still want to be friends with this dude? You haven't told us about the qualities you like in him and there are clearly a lot of things that you don't like about him. This gives me the idea you're just having trouble getting a guy you don't like.

It's not too late to terminate a relationship altogether like this because it's a relationship you chose to be in as apposed to a relationship you're obligated to be in (like family). It also sounds like you haven't known him for too long.

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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Peace seeker

he sounds like a spoiled, immature, douche.

why do u even bother to hang out with him?

are you the type of person that cant say "no" to people?

The SARS Volta

I've known him 5 months, so not especially long. I hooked up with him after 2 months of knowing him. I will base whether it's a good idea to even be friends from his response to me declining the benefits.

He's a nice guy with a good heart, very loyal and supportive to friends--just a bit dense with irritating qualities. These qualities eventually made themselves obvious and sometimes problematic.

All of our friends have attributes that are negative and positive, which may make you want to spend less or more time around them.

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