eulogy for the 2000-2008 jimmy cube * long ass read*
As I should I will start by saying sorry to all those who I offended, aka "shit on" during those 8 years. I clearly was loosing it slowly and life changing events, drug addiction and the eventual drug psychosis that followed really dint help the situation very much.
I of course can’t justify all my wrongs here. Hurting other people is hard to justify in real life let alone the need to hurt people hundreds or thousands of miles away, people that I have never met or ever will, people who for the most part, have been very kind to me, people who are a lot like I was and currently am. Most of it I really don’t remember anyways so that makes it all the more futile.
Instead I will try to explain why I acted the way I did, why I was who I was and what I was trying to achieve. This isn’t all for other people to read but also for me to "get the demons out" as it were. A type of self examination to learn about myself and face what I dint like about myself and learn why.
“Down the rabbit hole we go”. Like many people when I first smoked weed and found out that it dint kill me I felt that I had been lied too by society as a whole and if they lied about that, what else had they lied about? So began my illustrious/pitiful drug career and when I say a career I mean it. I strait up dedicated my life to drugs. I did everything I could as soon as I could and of course, as much as I could, which would latter lead to my downfall. If I wasn’t doing various drugs I was writing about them, making zines about them, writing faqs, guides, trip reports and art dedicated to or done on various chemicals. I literally still have 2 file cabinets filled with folders of just my drawings I did on drugs. Some are kewl, some not so much. I managed to keep this life style going through high school and college with relative ease. Many times my reputation or constant saturation of my college or school with my drug zines would gain me access to the stashes of various friends or “people in the know”. Thus feeding the beast that was inside me with a general ease. It was some what manageable. Sure, it no doubt cost me some points on exams and various concerned looks from family members but hard drugs were mostly saved for weekends so it never had a chance to get out of hand.
Through those years I had one constant. That of course was my now wife Lain. She was and still is my partner in crime, my “other half”, my best friend, the only person who could tell me “no”. During these years Lain shared my passion for drugs but obviously did not have what ever my brain has that doesn’t know when to stop. She had the control I dint, the compassion I lacked and the ability to say “no”. She some how managed to keep me “in line” with out ever seeming like she intentionally was. When college ended her and I both had are degrees and were ready to tackle the world together but then something unexpected happened.
About a week or two out of college I became paralyzed. Now, I am not going to go into that very deeply because it’s been discussed to death already. I will just say it was bad time for the both of us and really did some major damage to my self esteem. Lain staid by my side through out and honestly I don’t know how she managed to do so but I have learned that she is quite the lil warrior at heart. Although I place her on pedestal she still manages to shatter my expectations of her capabilities. Now, in an attempt to keep this whole thing on track I will keep the praise of my wife to a few paragraphs instead of a few pages.
This is ware things truly became “interesting” and by that I mean “fucked up”. I am lucky in terms of illness because I am in the 5% percent who recover mobility from it. That doesn’t mean I dint have significant problems both physically and more so mentally from the whole ordeal and thus introduced to the world of a true addict by my Drs and specialists. The fact that I had chronic pain, severe depression and a chronic illness made me the perfect time bomb and prescription drugs lit the fuse. I was put on a steady increase of opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers, anti depressants, and classes of drug I don’t even know to this day. While this is happening my specialists were telling me I had “a few years” to live and I literally was watching myself go from a 160lb slightly chubby guy to a 115lb skeleton. When all you feel is pain, all you hear is death and all you see is yourself wasting away your mind does very strange things.
In the storm of all this confusion and general turmoil I got my wife pregnant and we had our daughter Lilith. When most people have a child they throw away their “childish ways” and take on the responsibility of having a family and a child who depends on you. Being the provider and general example of what is considered right to your children. For me though it was quite different at the time. To keep it short and sweet I really hated myself then and felt I was a major strain or bother to all those around me. Generally I felt the people I truly loved would be better off with out me. So, I fuckin left Lain and Lilith and ran off with a heroin dealer I was introduced to by a “friend” of mine.
Oh, I am sure you remember her to my dismay lol. She had a face only a mother could love and that dint even hold true because she was adopted but what she did have was a ton of free heroin and at that time it was my crutch for completely avoiding everything I felt physically and mentally/emotionally. I just did heroic amounts of H and hoped for a quick and easy ending to my life but luckily it never came. Eventually we ended up doing all of our own stash of course *which truly was a huge amount of drug because she was funded by divorced out of state parents who happened to be quite well off it took us a better part of a year and a half to do all of it & left me in drug induced psychosis which I don’t have the words to adequately describe*. When I was forced to get off heroin because every dollar was spent, every bridge was burned and all other paths were fortified I became slightly more clear headed and it dint take long for me to realize I had truly gotten myself into a far worse situation than the one I had left. It began to sink in that even though I tried with all my might I had indeed began to out live my what my Drs had said was my life expectancy and do things that they said I would never do. Once again I had the realization that “the people in charge” had no idea what they were talking about much like when I had first smoked weed and realized the “establishment” was also clueless.
So began the slow crawl out of the gutter so to speak. Then, Lain and Lilith were in a car crash that almost killed them both. Once again all my plans went to complete shit. My world fuckin turned upside down on me and I know what you’re going to say “wtf is he talking about? He left them so how could he act like he loved them so much?” Well, I do have a reply to that and I am not expecting anyone else to really understand this line of thinking but it is truly what I felt at the time. I left them because I loved them. I really thought they would be better off with out me at the time and they actually were. Lain had moved with Lilith to another state and they were doing fine until Lain failed a pop drug test for weed and lost her job because of it and then moved back home to be with her mother. Getting back to the point though the first few days after the car crash I just hit the fent harder than ever. Lain came too pretty quick but she was badly injured and had a shattered orbital socket which took a few surguries to fix. Lilith was in far worse shape and was in a coma for what seemed like forever. I began to literally stay at the hospital with Lain and Lilith day and night. There wasn’t a lot I could do for Lilith, just hold her hand and kiss her head and pray to every god I ever had known to make her better. I could how ever help Lain by just staying with her and talking to her and letter her know that she still meant the world to me and when things got bad I would always be there for her like I had promised in my youth. Thankfully (cant find words to express how thankful I really am), they both came out of the whole thing fine and eventually ended up suing the other driver who hit them for quite a large sum of money because he was drunk and on the meth.
The car crash was a big turning point for me obviously. I got rid of the heroin chick quickly and after some convincing I was able to prove to Lain that I at least realized what I needed to do to improve my life and all that remained was to actually do it. So in yet another stroke of divine luck I was given another chance with Lain and my daughter. Eventually after much trial and failure I was able to get myself off of all recreation use of narcotics, mainly fentanyl and xanax. Mind you what just took a few sentences to say took a few years to actually complete fully.
Eventually I got a good paying job, quit all recreation drug use except weed, shrooms and E *Lain and I were both candy kids so the E kinda is like having our teen years back* got another degree, (thank you gov for paying my entire way) built a big ass house, manned up and became the father my daughter needs and went about living my life as though I indeed do have medical problems but that doesn’t mean I cant live a full and enjoyable life and still manage to take care of my daughter and wife and do good things to actively participate in society while knowing I can never recreationally do drugs like I used too.
It all really seems like a dream when I think back to the past, just the amount of bad decisions is really staggering to me at this point but it is what happened and I am just thankful that I ended up ware I am today. So, there you have it. I don’t know what it all means or if it helps anybody but I feel better having said it and congrats if u actually read the whole thing
much love
I of course can’t justify all my wrongs here. Hurting other people is hard to justify in real life let alone the need to hurt people hundreds or thousands of miles away, people that I have never met or ever will, people who for the most part, have been very kind to me, people who are a lot like I was and currently am. Most of it I really don’t remember anyways so that makes it all the more futile.
Instead I will try to explain why I acted the way I did, why I was who I was and what I was trying to achieve. This isn’t all for other people to read but also for me to "get the demons out" as it were. A type of self examination to learn about myself and face what I dint like about myself and learn why.
“Down the rabbit hole we go”. Like many people when I first smoked weed and found out that it dint kill me I felt that I had been lied too by society as a whole and if they lied about that, what else had they lied about? So began my illustrious/pitiful drug career and when I say a career I mean it. I strait up dedicated my life to drugs. I did everything I could as soon as I could and of course, as much as I could, which would latter lead to my downfall. If I wasn’t doing various drugs I was writing about them, making zines about them, writing faqs, guides, trip reports and art dedicated to or done on various chemicals. I literally still have 2 file cabinets filled with folders of just my drawings I did on drugs. Some are kewl, some not so much. I managed to keep this life style going through high school and college with relative ease. Many times my reputation or constant saturation of my college or school with my drug zines would gain me access to the stashes of various friends or “people in the know”. Thus feeding the beast that was inside me with a general ease. It was some what manageable. Sure, it no doubt cost me some points on exams and various concerned looks from family members but hard drugs were mostly saved for weekends so it never had a chance to get out of hand.
Through those years I had one constant. That of course was my now wife Lain. She was and still is my partner in crime, my “other half”, my best friend, the only person who could tell me “no”. During these years Lain shared my passion for drugs but obviously did not have what ever my brain has that doesn’t know when to stop. She had the control I dint, the compassion I lacked and the ability to say “no”. She some how managed to keep me “in line” with out ever seeming like she intentionally was. When college ended her and I both had are degrees and were ready to tackle the world together but then something unexpected happened.
About a week or two out of college I became paralyzed. Now, I am not going to go into that very deeply because it’s been discussed to death already. I will just say it was bad time for the both of us and really did some major damage to my self esteem. Lain staid by my side through out and honestly I don’t know how she managed to do so but I have learned that she is quite the lil warrior at heart. Although I place her on pedestal she still manages to shatter my expectations of her capabilities. Now, in an attempt to keep this whole thing on track I will keep the praise of my wife to a few paragraphs instead of a few pages.
This is ware things truly became “interesting” and by that I mean “fucked up”. I am lucky in terms of illness because I am in the 5% percent who recover mobility from it. That doesn’t mean I dint have significant problems both physically and more so mentally from the whole ordeal and thus introduced to the world of a true addict by my Drs and specialists. The fact that I had chronic pain, severe depression and a chronic illness made me the perfect time bomb and prescription drugs lit the fuse. I was put on a steady increase of opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers, anti depressants, and classes of drug I don’t even know to this day. While this is happening my specialists were telling me I had “a few years” to live and I literally was watching myself go from a 160lb slightly chubby guy to a 115lb skeleton. When all you feel is pain, all you hear is death and all you see is yourself wasting away your mind does very strange things.
In the storm of all this confusion and general turmoil I got my wife pregnant and we had our daughter Lilith. When most people have a child they throw away their “childish ways” and take on the responsibility of having a family and a child who depends on you. Being the provider and general example of what is considered right to your children. For me though it was quite different at the time. To keep it short and sweet I really hated myself then and felt I was a major strain or bother to all those around me. Generally I felt the people I truly loved would be better off with out me. So, I fuckin left Lain and Lilith and ran off with a heroin dealer I was introduced to by a “friend” of mine.
Oh, I am sure you remember her to my dismay lol. She had a face only a mother could love and that dint even hold true because she was adopted but what she did have was a ton of free heroin and at that time it was my crutch for completely avoiding everything I felt physically and mentally/emotionally. I just did heroic amounts of H and hoped for a quick and easy ending to my life but luckily it never came. Eventually we ended up doing all of our own stash of course *which truly was a huge amount of drug because she was funded by divorced out of state parents who happened to be quite well off it took us a better part of a year and a half to do all of it & left me in drug induced psychosis which I don’t have the words to adequately describe*. When I was forced to get off heroin because every dollar was spent, every bridge was burned and all other paths were fortified I became slightly more clear headed and it dint take long for me to realize I had truly gotten myself into a far worse situation than the one I had left. It began to sink in that even though I tried with all my might I had indeed began to out live my what my Drs had said was my life expectancy and do things that they said I would never do. Once again I had the realization that “the people in charge” had no idea what they were talking about much like when I had first smoked weed and realized the “establishment” was also clueless.
So began the slow crawl out of the gutter so to speak. Then, Lain and Lilith were in a car crash that almost killed them both. Once again all my plans went to complete shit. My world fuckin turned upside down on me and I know what you’re going to say “wtf is he talking about? He left them so how could he act like he loved them so much?” Well, I do have a reply to that and I am not expecting anyone else to really understand this line of thinking but it is truly what I felt at the time. I left them because I loved them. I really thought they would be better off with out me at the time and they actually were. Lain had moved with Lilith to another state and they were doing fine until Lain failed a pop drug test for weed and lost her job because of it and then moved back home to be with her mother. Getting back to the point though the first few days after the car crash I just hit the fent harder than ever. Lain came too pretty quick but she was badly injured and had a shattered orbital socket which took a few surguries to fix. Lilith was in far worse shape and was in a coma for what seemed like forever. I began to literally stay at the hospital with Lain and Lilith day and night. There wasn’t a lot I could do for Lilith, just hold her hand and kiss her head and pray to every god I ever had known to make her better. I could how ever help Lain by just staying with her and talking to her and letter her know that she still meant the world to me and when things got bad I would always be there for her like I had promised in my youth. Thankfully (cant find words to express how thankful I really am), they both came out of the whole thing fine and eventually ended up suing the other driver who hit them for quite a large sum of money because he was drunk and on the meth.
The car crash was a big turning point for me obviously. I got rid of the heroin chick quickly and after some convincing I was able to prove to Lain that I at least realized what I needed to do to improve my life and all that remained was to actually do it. So in yet another stroke of divine luck I was given another chance with Lain and my daughter. Eventually after much trial and failure I was able to get myself off of all recreation use of narcotics, mainly fentanyl and xanax. Mind you what just took a few sentences to say took a few years to actually complete fully.
Eventually I got a good paying job, quit all recreation drug use except weed, shrooms and E *Lain and I were both candy kids so the E kinda is like having our teen years back* got another degree, (thank you gov for paying my entire way) built a big ass house, manned up and became the father my daughter needs and went about living my life as though I indeed do have medical problems but that doesn’t mean I cant live a full and enjoyable life and still manage to take care of my daughter and wife and do good things to actively participate in society while knowing I can never recreationally do drugs like I used too.
It all really seems like a dream when I think back to the past, just the amount of bad decisions is really staggering to me at this point but it is what happened and I am just thankful that I ended up ware I am today. So, there you have it. I don’t know what it all means or if it helps anybody but I feel better having said it and congrats if u actually read the whole thing
much love
Total Comments 10
Comments
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Scurry, scurry, worry, worry,Quote:“Down the rabbit hole we go”.
Like the hare I run about,
Busy, busy, in a tizzy,
I only hear the voice without.
Quiet, hare. Do not despair!!!
The voice within is strong and sure.
If you just listen, you'll learn your mission,
Be confident and self-assured..........~Posted 08-26-2009 at 01:39 PM by Pharm Girl
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huggles pharmPosted 08-26-2009 at 07:47 PM by Jimmycube
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thanks for sharing man hold down the fort and keep up the good fight. I wish you all the best.Posted 08-27-2009 at 05:54 PM by Mull D
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thank u my friendPosted 08-29-2009 at 01:32 PM by Jimmycube
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'I left them because I love them'
man those words hit home right there.
im glad everything is working out for your tho.Posted 08-30-2009 at 08:25 AM by Mikey
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It's okay to hurt jimmy. And you weren't a demon for expressing yourself in that way(though it'd be better if you hadn't). Don't beat yourself up over it. I bet you just want someone else to understand, because not too many people really can.
It sounds like you've had a really rough patch of garden that is life. But you kept your roots strong and overcame. Which is what matters the most.
I'm so glad your clean now! I didn't talk to you much under my old Alt(Smaerd). But I struggle with addiction as well. So I am glad from ex-addict to ex-addict that you did it.I say ex-addict even though your technically one for life, who wants to live that way(a never ending AA meeting "Hi I'm X, I'm an addict" when really your just X)?
Also the "I left them because I love them" is still something that is in my mindset. I wonder why people think like that.. I dunno but I still do(working on it).
Thanks for sharing this, I enjoyed reading it. I hope you get much clarity for the rest of your livelihood.Posted 08-30-2009 at 08:17 PM by Mydriasis
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dang jimmy, thanks for posting this.Posted 08-30-2009 at 11:05 PM by SpankyMcLankey
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Mikey and Mydriasis,
thank you for letting me know i am not the only one who has thought my loved ones would be better off with out me. It really does help to have somebody who knows that feeling come forward.
I wish i had an answer for fixing that part of me but sadly it still eludes me. The answer will be different for all of us when we do finally find it.
I strongly believe life is a never ending quest for knowledge. Asking our selves why we feel the way we do and what we may not like about ourselves is a very hard thing to do for some people. So i think we should all be proud that we took that first step and looked into the murky water of our psyche's and are trying to figure the whole thing out.
thank u all for accepting my honesty and returning the favor. Its truly appreciatedPosted 09-03-2009 at 10:12 PM by Jimmycube
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You are such an amazing person. You truly inspire me to keep going. You know my life hasn't been the easiest and yet I still keep going with a smile on my face and its because of people in my life like you. You love me no matter what. You understand. You encourage. And when you are disappointed you let me know. When other people are thinking something and don't have the nerve to tell me I know I can trust you to give it to me straight. And I welcome it. Because I know you care. And because I know you've been there too. I love you so much you don't even know my dear.Posted 10-26-2009 at 05:13 PM by
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Your honestly in telling your story is amazing. I wish you the best and look forward to seeing more of your art.Posted 03-26-2010 at 08:44 PM by FLO
