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Originally Posted by Porcelain
From everything you've said, I think this is more of a battle you face with yourself than with him. I think that deep down inside, you have this vision of your ideal man. It's not wrong...we all idealize this non-existant person somehow...it's just that you're at that point in your life where you're wondering if he exists. Your boyfriend may not necessarily live up to your ideals but ask yourself why you've stood this long with him to begin with? The thing is, no one ever finds their ideal person...the person we find is someone who is close enough that we're willing to accept them. So you should ask yourself what it is about your boyfriend that reminds you of your animus.
I've been with my man for 5 years too and I can sympathize with a lot about what you said. When I feel kind of "blah" about him, I just ask myself why I fell in love with him to begin with. Or, I try to look out for his positive qualities...I try seeing him in his element (at work, as a father, etc...) and it makes me realize that I am lucky to be with a person like him. I went through a huge phase of dismissing everything he did and just calling him an asshole but after spending a few months apart, I realized how few people come as close to my ideal man as he did. I spent some time as a 3rd wheel around other couples and I realized that even the "cute" couples have their shitty times. Everyone works on their relationships. They're never easy and if they seem like they are, there's either a lot of denial or hard work brewing underneath, ya dig?
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I am really starting to realize how correct you are when you say it's mostly a battle between me, myself, and I. It seems as if the decision really is mine alone, because he is always going to be this way. I just have to decide if I can deal with that for a lifetime, and I really don't think I can. I've heard so many people tell me that the "perfect" relationship does not exist that I've just started to accept mine, even though I find myself very unhappy at times. And as for your question about how close he is to my ideal man, he's actually not that close. We share a lot of the same opinions and he would never hit me or cheat, but other than that there's not a lot about him that matches what I'd always dreamed of for myself. I guess I'm having trouble knowing when to settle for what I've got and give up on fairy-tale thoughts and when to actually try for something that works better for me.
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Originally Posted by Captain Cannabis
being comfortable and being compatible are different things. i have had a few females that i have been totally comfortable with, yet i am too stupid to enjoy myself if i don't see a future in the relationship. its small things like your issue with your boyfriend that i personally can't ignore. i am too quick to dismiss people for those reasons and the result is that i am perpetually single.
how bad is it with him? does it affect your moods a lot? would you be happy being single?
funny how a man with a wonderful woman can be so gloomy, while myself i am content yet alone.
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To answer your questions, there are times when everything is smooth sailing and we have pleasant days. But those seem to be few and far between. I find myself anticipating his laughter like a little child, watching and waiting to see any sign of happiness. And that seems fucked up to me, that a sign of a good mood from him is so rare that it feels foreign when it actually happens. I don't know if I could be happy as a single girl. I know that I wouldn't at first. I'd probably cry. A lot. And I'd probably be very lonely considering I've lost contact with many of my friends throughout the course of this relationship. But maybe in the end I would be much happier than I am now. It's just hard to tell because I've been with him for so long I have almost forgotten what it's like to be single.
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Originally Posted by CowMan
AL420: Yes there are happy go-lucky guys out there. I'm one of 'em. Usually pretty cheerful and full of life. If you are like me, then you kind of need someone who's happy as well. I've spent my time with some women who are downers and it's just no fun. I try to surround myself with positive people at all times.
Negative people need to be cut out like a cancer. Sorry if this seems harsh to your bf, but if he's a consistant downer, always shitting on himself and telling you that you should be with someone more plesant...well, I think you have to really consider it.
Also, leave the pressure for marriage and all that alone. Try to look at this situation objectively without these outside influences making your decisions for you.
It's not beyond repair, if you two are both wiling to work on it and maybe inject a little spice into the bedroom I think you can possibly work things out. If you're not willing to put in the effort to keep it going then i think it's time to see new people.
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Thanks. I was really starting to wonder if "giddy" men even existed, because the only ones I've known (who weren't gay) would seem like generally happy people when I first met them. But once I got to know them better their true, miserable colors were revealed. Leaving him will be a pretty big deal though, considering that we live together and all of our families are expecting us to get hitched any day now (really more of their idea than ours). So breaking up would mean moving out, finding a new roommate and place to stay (because there is no fucking WAY I'm moving in w/ my mom) and a whole ordeal. So I just want to be sure it's the right thing to do before I go through all that.