[Geeno]

Okay so back on thanksgiving I caught a felony posession charge for blow, charged with 3.3 grams, a bag with residue and some weed (misdameanor).

My lawyer advised I go to outpatient, whether humanitarian or to get started on a potential sentencing, I followed his advise. I've been going twice a week since January and had one mishap about a month ago when I came up positive for cocaine because I slipped and had a binge. I came clean and admitted it since I felt terrible about it, and there werent any consequences. They told me I hadn't really gone back to square one since I hadn't left it, being that my method of abstinence was simply staying home in solitude.

I have been good about staying away from it since then, but today in group the counselor said that someone had come up positive and then waited for whoever to admit it. I'm looking around the room as is everyone else, then I notice everyone staring at me since the counselor was. Apparently my urine screen last week came up positive for cocaine. I was pretty irate about this because I know I didn't use and I know it's useless to try to make excuses or whatever. I'm still a bit mystified about it, I can't produce any reasonable explanation short of kidney/liver infection (which I don't believe I have).

What sucks about this is that I was told that they'd probably recommend inpatient for me. This would mean a month off of work and about 5,000 in bills for the facility alone - let alone other bills I have that would accumulate.

I'm worried that they'll recommend it, I'll refuse and be booted from the program, and that will look bad when my trial finally comes about (supposedly apr 30). So I'm contemplating resignation from outpatient before I'm faced with the ultimatum.

I was contemplating it last week when I found out my health insurance wouldn't cover it and I'd have to pay 50 bucks out of my pocket every week. That's 200 a month and 1800 overall just to talk to people and have my urine screened weekly.

So I'm also worried that this situation could result in either probation or court mandated rehab, which will lock me into this area for an undefined amount of time, possibly up to two or three years.

The only way I foresee leaving the life of crime that I have established is moving to North Carolina to live with my best friend who is a police officer down there. I know what people say about running from problems and this and that, but I really think it's called for. I feel like I've gotten in too deep in my area, it's a small town with little in the way of economic opportunity. I don't really have much support in the way of drug abstinence since distro and use were my main ways of socialization for the last 6 or so years. I want to put it all behind me and rebuild, but I just don't see it happening here.

Just had to vent, apologies for the likely lack of coherence.