[al-Mu'akhkhir]

So I had this really strange dream last night: Me and all teh friendz were at the bar, blah blah blah the usual fucked up dream shit. So I'm sitting up on a barstool, swivel a 180 and bam, right in my dream I seen this girl (I've mentioned her before in a G&S thread, gettin married) I haven't even had contact with for like 7 months now. I had pretty much put her out of my mind (refer to said thread) up until this dream.

So in the dream I were like "wtf?!" and all of a sudden I look around (still dreaming) and we're sitting in this field. This field where we used to sit IRL and just talk and shit. I mean I think I've said things to her, in that field (IRL) that have honestly never left my lips before. Shit even the therapist doesn't know. w/e.

So I wake up. With this awful "dreading" feeling in my chest, and tears in my eyes. It's been.. too long for me to remember the last time I cried (it's not something that I normally do, I've sliced fingertips off, cut through the bones in my hand etc. never cried).

I got up and realized I had smoked my last cigarettes last night. I basically cried again. No. I cried again.

Normally I might be a little depressed from time to time, but I'll be able to function through the depression (as a matter of fact functioning usually helps me get over bouts of depression). However today, I was so depressed and anxious that it took several hours to work up the courage to even leave the crib. The anxiety once I got outside was even worse.


But I got my cigarettes.

... wtf is wrong with me?

(I just had to write this sorta'... I don't have the deniro to see a therapist anymore so I had to get it off my chest - feel free to speculate on what's going on in my head..)