15 ways to avoid a southern ass whipping

[xxxdream]

Ok let's pretend i'm from somewhere up north of the palm beach county area, cos south florida is really just as much a metropolitan cesspool as some of the cities mentioned here.

1. Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
2. Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Etta Mae, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3. Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat’s ass whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we’ll kick your ass.
5.We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, All Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don’t care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6. Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll kick your ass.
7. Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll kick your ass.
8. Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
9. Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. WE don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that’s all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick your ass.
11. Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
12. Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. WE say sir and Ma’am. We hold doors open for others. WE offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13. So you think we’re quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston.
14. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll kick your ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT Dare to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box, minus your ass.

[Jakeisuseless]

Come up here. Start talking that holier then thou southern bullshit. Get your skull pumbled with a steel pipe.

[xxxdream]

Been there, done that.

[deadhead94]

I thought they calles barbeques grills in the south?


what the fuck

[Jakeisuseless]

They don't know what they call anything anymore!

[cactushead]

Dont fight shirtless guys with mullets or colonel saunders all white suits unless you feel like duelling but dont make fun of the duelling banjos kid either because the guy who says you got a purdy mouth, thats the sheriff. Dont hit on a rednecks sister or his GF (same thing). Just get a gun and a bible and you will be okay.

[Mahavishnu]

its funny in the north about how theres imitation rednecks
and you canadians don't know shit about the south so eat a dick up
north and south have thier pros and cons

[deadhead94]

and you canadians don't know shit about the south so eat a dick up

Damn, that was clever....better copyright it before Elton John reads this thread....

Damn, that was clever....better copyright it before Elton John reads this thread....

that was by far the funniest thing youve ever posted out of the 17billion posts you have...

loserface...

[Geeno]

Damn, that was clever....better copyright it before Elton John reads this thread....

Congratulations.

[ColtEtish]

Southerns are stooopid!

Besides soul.

And Jed Bush

I dunno, does southern florida really count as the south? I don't consider myself a southerner when I lived in san diego...

florida in and of itself isnt the south because theres not really a majority of people here who hold those beliefs to be a southerner...

its 33.3% black

33.3% white

33.3% spanish

theres no major white race to really make it the SOUTH...

[The Rev]

The stereotype of southern people being stupid dates back to the hookworm epidemic of the 19th century, which apparently, if it goes far enough, makes a person a bit tonto. It was a problem in the South for some reason, and alot of affected people were walking around untreated. One of John Rockefeller's first acts of altruism was to fund treatment and end the epidemic. Unfortunately, the stereotype continues to this day.

Just FYI.



The Rev

[Prophet Saddam]

can anyone verify any of these tips?

1. Sorry! The administrator has specified that users can only post one message every 58 seconds.

[shark plays shark piano]

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we’ll kick your ass.



hahahaha, whoaa, thought you'd slip that one in at number four and nobody would notice huh...


I like how the person who wrote this came up with three big examples of their point, a hefty three, the proud trilogy of literate southerners.

[Lloydy]

2 questions.

What are grits?

How do they know you want a sprite instead of a coke?

I was wondering about those 2 aswell

[Flamingnun]

Wasnt xxxdream in Deliverance?

[Marxist419]

People wonder why we hate yankees.

[KRONIK]

and you canadians don't know shit about the south so eat a dick up

You don't know shit about what we know...but I bet we know more about you than you know about us.

[lewddachris]

We're really long overdue for another civil war. I think our collective societies are becoming, well, bored.