Random jokes.

№1 · 06-27-2008, 09:11 PM

I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her in between her tits, she said how're you gonna make that feel good for me, I said just before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face...

Thank you Doug.

Prophet Saddam · 06-27-2008, 09:31 PM

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked shocked and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Man in Black · 06-27-2008, 09:41 PM

So this guy and his wife are sitting around the kitchen table on their anniversary, sharing a bottle of champagne. They start to get a little drunk.

After finishing the bottle, the husband says to the wife "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time".

After thinking for a minute his wife responds "I fucked your brother, and your dick is bigger than his".

The Rev · 06-28-2008, 10:26 AM

With only three posts, this thread already delivers.

The Rev

Flamingnun · 06-28-2008, 12:52 PM

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

aft3rsh0kk · 06-28-2008, 01:02 PM

A priest, a minister and a rabbi find a sack of money.

The priest says "Draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside we give to charity and split the rest.

The minister says, "No, draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands INSIDE we give to charity and split the rest."

The rabbi says, "No, we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

---------------

When I was young, I used to pray to God that the girl down the street have a crush on me, so I could make love to her.

As I got older and wiser, I realised God doesn't answer prayers like that. So I raped her, and prayed for forgiveness.

-------

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

----

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

----

Q: Why is it better to have a white teacher than a black teacher?
A: Because its easier to take an apple to class than it is WATERMELON!!

----
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'Hi....My name is Carmen', she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'.

BearsysRevenge · 06-28-2008, 01:17 PM

Biggest joke ever...

DEX

Mahavishnu · 06-28-2008, 06:42 PM

lol, so much winning

aft3rsh0kk · 06-28-2008, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BearsysRevenge

Biggest joke ever...

DEX

lulzzz

Parallax · 06-28-2008, 10:37 PM

- man i was so wasted last night, i blew chunks!!!

- yeah it happens, you drink too much, then puke all of a sudden

- no you dont understand, chunks is the name of my dog!

Parallax · 06-28-2008, 10:40 PM

three mice in a bar

1st one downs a shot and says, im so baddass, i play with mousetraps for fun!

2nd downs two shots and says, im so badass, i snort lines of rat poison just for kicks!

3rd finishes the bottle, throws it at the wall and says, you guys are weak, im gonna go fuck the cat

06-27-2008, 09:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
№1 Banzai Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: 8th dimension Posts: 8,904 Thanks: 31 Thanked 108 Times in 78 Posts	Random jokes. I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her in between her tits, she said how're you gonna make that feel good for me, I said just before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face... Thank you Doug. __________________ "History is'a made at night! Character is what you are in the dark!" John Whorfin --------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------- Planet Ten

06-27-2008, 09:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
Man in Black sic semper tyrannis Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: the rust belt Posts: 904 Thanks: 218 Thanked 78 Times in 63 Posts	So this guy and his wife are sitting around the kitchen table on their anniversary, sharing a bottle of champagne. They start to get a little drunk. After finishing the bottle, the husband says to the wife "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time". After thinking for a minute his wife responds "I fucked your brother, and your dick is bigger than his". __________________ Look at the million stars, he said. They make some pattern on the sky. It is a pattern of letters spelling a word. One night I shall look up and read the word. -Dylan Thomas

06-28-2008, 10:26 AM	#4 (permalink)
The Rev ~ Herban Legend ~ Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In my head, somewhere. Posts: 11,877 Thanks: 18 Thanked 161 Times in 94 Posts	With only three posts, this thread already delivers. The Rev __________________ THE SECRET OF SUCCESS IN ALL THINGS IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH REALITY DISRESPECT INCORPORATED The Order of the Illuminati "Jesus, I've just realised I've been posting on yahooka for more than a quarter of my life!" -Sir-Ex R.I.P. Governor We know you're smokin wherever you are.

06-28-2008, 12:52 PM	#5 (permalink)
Flamingnun SPEC - V Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: roflmao Posts: 16,940 Thanks: 42 Thanked 264 Times in 144 Posts	A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." __________________

06-28-2008, 01:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
aft3rsh0kk we got dem skeedz Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Tha 602, PhX Posts: 1,515 Thanks: 8 Thanked 16 Times in 16 Posts	A priest, a minister and a rabbi find a sack of money. The priest says "Draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside we give to charity and split the rest. The minister says, "No, draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands INSIDE we give to charity and split the rest." The rabbi says, "No, we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!" --------------- When I was young, I used to pray to God that the girl down the street have a crush on me, so I could make love to her. As I got older and wiser, I realised God doesn't answer prayers like that. So I raped her, and prayed for forgiveness. ------- A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. ---- A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.' ---- Q: Why is it better to have a white teacher than a black teacher? A: Because its easier to take an apple to class than it is WATERMELON!! ---- A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'Hi....My name is Carmen', she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'. __________________ Never trust anyone who doesn't smoke pot or listen to Bob Dylan Never trust anyone who doesn't like the beach Never ever ever trust anyone who says they don't like dogs

06-27-2008, 09:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
Prophet Saddam Crazy Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: CA, fuck yeah Posts: 16,282 Blog Entries: 10 Thanks: 2,508 Thanked 470 Times in 335 Posts	A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked shocked and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

06-28-2008, 01:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
BearsysRevenge Adminfiltrator Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: I've got BuffaLOVE Posts: 4,815 Thanks: 692 Thanked 202 Times in 147 Posts	Biggest joke ever... DEX __________________ There’s a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part, you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you’ve got to make it stop! And you’ve got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you’re free, the machine will be prevented from working at all! Click for lulz

06-28-2008, 10:37 PM	#10 (permalink)
Parallax Admiral Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 3,736 Thanks: 23 Thanked 102 Times in 39 Posts	- man i was so wasted last night, i blew chunks!!! - yeah it happens, you drink too much, then puke all of a sudden - no you dont understand, chunks is the name of my dog! __________________ FUCK THE ROBOTS!!! NUKE THE WHALES!!!

06-28-2008, 10:40 PM	#11 (permalink)
Parallax Admiral Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 3,736 Thanks: 23 Thanked 102 Times in 39 Posts	three mice in a bar 1st one downs a shot and says, im so baddass, i play with mousetraps for fun! 2nd downs two shots and says, im so badass, i snort lines of rat poison just for kicks! 3rd finishes the bottle, throws it at the wall and says, you guys are weak, im gonna go fuck the cat __________________ FUCK THE ROBOTS!!! NUKE THE WHALES!!!

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode