The Quest To 11,055!!!!!! - Page 10

Weedwax · 10-22-2005, 01:41 PM

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two--one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

Sir-Ex · 10-22-2005, 05:25 PM

I'm listening to blackalicious

freaky styley · 10-22-2005, 05:35 PM

bump

10-22-2005, 07:29 PM

Sir-Ex · 10-22-2005, 11:16 PM

Puffman · 10-22-2005, 11:36 PM

post whoring to the maximummmmmmmmmmmmm

10-23-2005, 12:29 AM

hoobastank ruined thier musical reputation because they named thier band hoobastank...

**Captain Cannabis** · 10-23-2005, 12:33 AM

i'm gonna be honest that's part of the reason i don't listen to them

10-23-2005, 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain_Cannabis

i'm gonna be honest that's part of the reason i don't listen to them

thats why they called that album "the reason"...

"The reason nobody will buy this record"-with an arrow to the bands name...

Edit · 10-23-2005, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GirlsHateMe

hoobastank ruined thier musical reputation because they named thier band hoobastank...

That, and being emo/indie fags

10-23-2005, 08:27 AM

do you ever stare in the mirror for two or three hours pinching your meat tits talking to yourself 'why don't you just put a bullet in your head, you mediocre, meat-titted motherfucker! some days you just want to duct-tape a big fucking dildo in between your horredous meat-tits and just fucking blow your brains out...my luck the gun would mis-fire and i'd get the joy of unraveling the whole mess....dildo hanging haphazardly...

what WAS that comic's name?

Edit · 10-23-2005, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellis D.

do you ever stare in the mirror for two or three hours pinching your meat tits talking to yourself 'why don't you just put a bullet in your head, you mediocre, meat-titted motherfucker! some days you just want to duct-tape a big fucking dildo in between your horredous meat-tits and just fucking blow your brains out..?

Amen

10-23-2005, 08:38 AM

SOBRIETY

I was lounging around my apartment earlier in the week, writing up a list of Freudian slips I’ve had around burn victims. As I was alternating between writing up my list and slicing off genital warts, I began to reminisce. It suddenly dawned on me how wonderful my life is and how it’s all due to sobriety. It has been many years since I had a drink or a drug, and I smiled good-naturedly at the turmoil my life used to be in. No longer do I drink so much on a date that I forget a girl has told me about her mastectomy, only to wake up the next morning and scream, “Hey, where the fuck is the other one?” No longer do I rape women over 60 with a meat cleaver, or spoil important political dinners by loudly defecating in my tuxedo pants.
Putting the plug in the jug was by far the best decision I’ve ever made. I am a good person, and deserving of love. It has been many years since I beat up a disfigured person simply to impress a girl. I now understand that my worth as a human being is not based on possessions, such as my rare collection of trinkets made from gorilla hands, or my books of poetry on clitoral circumcision. These are lovely things to own, but they do not make me a worthwhile person.
My life today no longer revolves around negativity, but spreading joy. I have recently named my memoirs, ‘Life, Love and Enlightenment’, changed from the original title of, ‘The 10 Most Barbaric Things I’ve Done to the Foreskin of an Immigrant’. I am also working on a children’s book, tentatively called, ‘ Pet Names for my Penis that Rhyme with Cesspool’. It revolves primarily around Vietcong war crimes and songs I enjoy humming while gay bashing with a hammer claw. Putting happiness in someone’s heart is now much more important to me than any fluid I could pay a prostitute to drip on my chest. I believe in taking lemons and making lemonade. In addition to my books, I am currently working on a bloopers tape revolving around miscarriages and Cannonball Run outtakes. I have also come to love all people regardless of race, despite how slanted their eyes are, or how much fun it is to set their churches on fire. Intolerance has not place in my life today, and I will never again throw moist Rottweiler feces into a person’s face simply because their last name is Patel.
I have learned how to find pleasure in smaller things; such as taking needle nosed pliers and pinching the taint of a retarded girl, while gently massaging her large, turnip bulb shaped head. What could be more gratifying than seeing the smile of a homeless man when you flip him a quarter, or watching his smile disappear when you drill your fist into his rotten, unbrushed teeth? I think of all of the friends that sobriety has blessed me with; Rich Vos, Jim Florentine, Otto Peterson, Opie&Anthony and Andrew Dice Clay. It is pleasantly comforting to wake up and realize you’ve surrounded yourself with sexual deviants and total dirtbags. I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I remember feeling up Stalker Patty. How many men can claim to have felt the prickly haired nipples of Foghorn Leghorn’s nephew? It is a rare treat indeed to touch the tits of a woman with the mental capacity of scrotum polyp.
Is my life perfect in sobriety? Heck no it isn’t. There are still times of loneliness where I will pick up a girl with a stomach the size of a small apartment complex and a cunt that smells like the toe webbing of a Haitian marathon runner. As recently as last week I found myself enjoying the oral favors of a prostitute when I suddenly thought, “By golly, that’s a large back for a girl.” Realizing my error, I unfortunately lost my erection. I say unfortunately because it was a blowjob worthy of a Golden Globe Award. I felt momentary shame as my roommate pounded on the bathroom door asking me, “How was it?”, while I stood at the sink scrubbing the foul breath of a transsexual Silverback off my cock.
I have learned to give myself a break, however. No one leads an error free life, and I know there are certain things I still do wrong. I have recently started feeling guilty about inserting my fingers into my anus, then running up to the Opie&Anthony radio program and backslapping, hand shaking and high fiving the entire crew. I also know I should stop telling my 5-year-old nephew to never sleep because Steve from Foundry Music is lurking under his bed with an erection the width of a Pepsi can. I now sincerely believe it is okay for a girl to say, “No” at the end of a date, and immediately resorting to an aluminum baseball bat was simply childish on my part. I think from now on I will tell a girl I have AIDS, instead of just splooging inside of her and yelling, “Tag, you’re it!” I also feel that I should get a part time job instead of making extra cash selling my mother’s period panties on the Internet @smells_like_a_cadav er.com.
Today the keyword for me is humility. A man who can admit his mistakes is a mature man indeed. To demonstrate, I would like to end our time together with a few apologies. To my neighbors, for doing things while baby sitting your children which have been misconstrued. To my ex-girlfriend, for putting itching powder on your tampons and making out with your dad at that Fourth of July party. To my roommate Jim, for making you dream about onions by dangling my testicles over your nose while you sleep and to my grandmother, for grabbing you by the shoulders and screaming, “CUNT”, every time you ask me for your medicine. The most important apology of all is to you, the public, for writing this article in the first place. Eat my ass and God bless, Jim Norton

BrAneFReesE · 10-23-2005, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OldSchoolStylee

I got called gay.

for good reason.....now, gimme ur shoes kid!! or else...

10-23-2005, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinol-girl

me too. prochoice

Right on!

§prakd · 10-23-2005, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GirlsHateMe

hoobastank ruined thier musical reputation because they named thier band hoobastank...

That and the fact that they just plain suck ass.

10-23-2005, 06:38 PM

10-22-2005, 05:25 PM	#185 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 5,101 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts	I'm listening to blackalicious __________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

10-22-2005, 07:29 PM	#187 (permalink)
Ellis D. Guest Posts: n/a	for those about to rock, we salute you!

10-22-2005, 11:16 PM	#188 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 5,101 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts	__________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

10-23-2005, 12:33 AM	#191 (permalink)
Captain Cannabis i hate emus Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: oslo Posts: 10,445 Thanks: 346 Thanked 272 Times in 191 Posts	i'm gonna be honest that's part of the reason i don't listen to them __________________ fuck the monkeys

10-23-2005, 06:38 PM	#200 (permalink)
frendofthedevil Guest Posts: n/a	#5

10-22-2005, 01:33 PM	#181 (permalink)
GirlsHateMe Guest Posts: n/a

10-22-2005, 01:36 PM	#183 (permalink)
GirlsHateMe Guest Posts: n/a

10-22-2005, 11:36 PM	#189 (permalink)
Puffman Attorney at Law Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 6,144 Thanks: 23 Thanked 26 Times in 21 Posts	post whoring to the maximummmmmmmmmmmmm

10-23-2005, 12:29 AM	#190 (permalink)
GirlsHateMe Guest Posts: n/a	hoobastank ruined thier musical reputation because they named thier band hoobastank...

10-23-2005, 08:27 AM	#194 (permalink)
Ellis D. Guest Posts: n/a	do you ever stare in the mirror for two or three hours pinching your meat tits talking to yourself 'why don't you just put a bullet in your head, you mediocre, meat-titted motherfucker! some days you just want to duct-tape a big fucking dildo in between your horredous meat-tits and just fucking blow your brains out...my luck the gun would mis-fire and i'd get the joy of unraveling the whole mess....dildo hanging haphazardly... what WAS that comic's name?

10-23-2005, 08:38 AM	#196 (permalink)
Ellis D. Guest Posts: n/a	SOBRIETY I was lounging around my apartment earlier in the week, writing up a list of Freudian slips I’ve had around burn victims. As I was alternating between writing up my list and slicing off genital warts, I began to reminisce. It suddenly dawned on me how wonderful my life is and how it’s all due to sobriety. It has been many years since I had a drink or a drug, and I smiled good-naturedly at the turmoil my life used to be in. No longer do I drink so much on a date that I forget a girl has told me about her mastectomy, only to wake up the next morning and scream, “Hey, where the fuck is the other one?” No longer do I rape women over 60 with a meat cleaver, or spoil important political dinners by loudly defecating in my tuxedo pants. Putting the plug in the jug was by far the best decision I’ve ever made. I am a good person, and deserving of love. It has been many years since I beat up a disfigured person simply to impress a girl. I now understand that my worth as a human being is not based on possessions, such as my rare collection of trinkets made from gorilla hands, or my books of poetry on clitoral circumcision. These are lovely things to own, but they do not make me a worthwhile person. My life today no longer revolves around negativity, but spreading joy. I have recently named my memoirs, ‘Life, Love and Enlightenment’, changed from the original title of, ‘The 10 Most Barbaric Things I’ve Done to the Foreskin of an Immigrant’. I am also working on a children’s book, tentatively called, ‘ Pet Names for my Penis that Rhyme with Cesspool’. It revolves primarily around Vietcong war crimes and songs I enjoy humming while gay bashing with a hammer claw. Putting happiness in someone’s heart is now much more important to me than any fluid I could pay a prostitute to drip on my chest. I believe in taking lemons and making lemonade. In addition to my books, I am currently working on a bloopers tape revolving around miscarriages and Cannonball Run outtakes. I have also come to love all people regardless of race, despite how slanted their eyes are, or how much fun it is to set their churches on fire. Intolerance has not place in my life today, and I will never again throw moist Rottweiler feces into a person’s face simply because their last name is Patel. I have learned how to find pleasure in smaller things; such as taking needle nosed pliers and pinching the taint of a retarded girl, while gently massaging her large, turnip bulb shaped head. What could be more gratifying than seeing the smile of a homeless man when you flip him a quarter, or watching his smile disappear when you drill your fist into his rotten, unbrushed teeth? I think of all of the friends that sobriety has blessed me with; Rich Vos, Jim Florentine, Otto Peterson, Opie&Anthony and Andrew Dice Clay. It is pleasantly comforting to wake up and realize you’ve surrounded yourself with sexual deviants and total dirtbags. I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I remember feeling up Stalker Patty. How many men can claim to have felt the prickly haired nipples of Foghorn Leghorn’s nephew? It is a rare treat indeed to touch the tits of a woman with the mental capacity of scrotum polyp. Is my life perfect in sobriety? Heck no it isn’t. There are still times of loneliness where I will pick up a girl with a stomach the size of a small apartment complex and a cunt that smells like the toe webbing of a Haitian marathon runner. As recently as last week I found myself enjoying the oral favors of a prostitute when I suddenly thought, “By golly, that’s a large back for a girl.” Realizing my error, I unfortunately lost my erection. I say unfortunately because it was a blowjob worthy of a Golden Globe Award. I felt momentary shame as my roommate pounded on the bathroom door asking me, “How was it?”, while I stood at the sink scrubbing the foul breath of a transsexual Silverback off my cock. I have learned to give myself a break, however. No one leads an error free life, and I know there are certain things I still do wrong. I have recently started feeling guilty about inserting my fingers into my anus, then running up to the Opie&Anthony radio program and backslapping, hand shaking and high fiving the entire crew. I also know I should stop telling my 5-year-old nephew to never sleep because Steve from Foundry Music is lurking under his bed with an erection the width of a Pepsi can. I now sincerely believe it is okay for a girl to say, “No” at the end of a date, and immediately resorting to an aluminum baseball bat was simply childish on my part. I think from now on I will tell a girl I have AIDS, instead of just splooging inside of her and yelling, “Tag, you’re it!” I also feel that I should get a part time job instead of making extra cash selling my mother’s period panties on the Internet @smells_like_a_cadav er.com. Today the keyword for me is humility. A man who can admit his mistakes is a mature man indeed. To demonstrate, I would like to end our time together with a few apologies. To my neighbors, for doing things while baby sitting your children which have been misconstrued. To my ex-girlfriend, for putting itching powder on your tampons and making out with your dad at that Fourth of July party. To my roommate Jim, for making you dream about onions by dangling my testicles over your nose while you sleep and to my grandmother, for grabbing you by the shoulders and screaming, “CUNT”, every time you ask me for your medicine. The most important apology of all is to you, the public, for writing this article in the first place. Eat my ass and God bless, Jim Norton

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode