Blue dolphin opens up...

[Blue_Dolphin]

First of all, I am not here to offend anyone, argue or hurt anyones feelings. I am writing this because it's on my mind and I have stuff to say. I usually eep shut on this forum but I have decided to open up. I am not good with words but bear with me. I'm doing this from the heart. Here goes nothing...

When I was young, I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I loved it. I wanted to be there all the time and it made me feel good to be. I was baptized twice in that church. My family decided to move to Texas when I was 10. It was hard for me to seperate from this church. I also had to leave my grandmother behind. She was getting sick. I was never told about this though. I was too young I guess. I spent 80% of my childhood days with her. I was her favorite and she was mine. My uncles and Aunts would get mad that she always wanted to spend time with me and not my cousins. She had told me that she would come visit us in Texas in 3 months for Christmas time. Well, she never made it. She died of Colon cancer.

This affected me very much. I had a weird experience a few days after she passed. I was sitting on my bed and there was a white light coming from under my door. I heard her voice calling me and she appeared in my room. She told me she did not want me to be sad and that she would see me when it's my time to go. She said she would wait for me and that we would go out to dinner. (we used to always go out on the weekends.) she kissed me on my forehead then slowly disappeared into the light. I cried for her but she didnt come back. I didn't go to school for a month. I just cried. I had dreams about her all the time. I still do. I even "talk" to her about things.

I am no longer a church go-er and I dont know how to feel about it. I believe in God and everything but I am what they call a "lazy Christian" I guess. To be honest, I don't know where to start. I dont exactly know what I believe about life and death. I want to believe what I was taught for so many years... Life is like a test and when you die, your actions determine whether you go to Heaven or Hell. It's cool to think about if you are a "good" Christian like the church tells you to be. But what if you aren't? Will I be punished for not going to church? Will I be reprimanded for not taking my kids to sunday school? I want to do the "right" thing. I am really confused. If you do "wrong" in your life, does God really punish you in firey hell for all of eternity? If you commit suicide, do you really go straight to hell? That doesn't sound like the God I would want to be with spiritually. I really need some guidance right now.

Through the years, I have been exposed to a few religions that I know little about. One of my big deals was the idea of re-incarnation... It kinda goes against what I was taught. My first reaction was, "What? We dont just COME BACK as something or someone else! We get one shot at doing the right thing and thats it! I know thats very one-sided but thats how I felt. I still dont know what's up with that idea. It kinda freaks me out. Verk and I had a few fights because he was still adventuring with his spirituality and it was very hard for me to deal with it. I love him but I was not about to change my life in the ways he was trying to do. We are pretty much on the same page now. I am scared of what will happen when we die. Will I be with him for eternity? Will one of be judged as "bad" and one as "good?" I'm scared. I love him.

I do respect everyone's decision to have their own religion. My best friends are Jewish. I still love them dearly and they are no different than I am. I wish there was a way for me to settle my wonder for what is "right." I wish we could all know what is real and what is not. I want to know what happens when you die. How does it feel? What do you see? Where do you end up? How do you get there? So many questions that NOBODY really knows the answers to. This frustrates me. I want to know what to do and what to expect.

Matthew really got me worked up. I feel like I have known him. I have never really conversed with him on here but Verk has, through emails as well. All day I have been feeling extremely depressed. I wish there was somebody there to help him. He needed help. Something. I'm sure he had friends, but there was obviously something wrong. I wish he hadn't died. The thread about Endless Ocean... I even had that game. I never saw the thread for it and as Verk said, it took us too long to get our Wii on the internet. I feel horribe about it. He posted in his own empty thread 10 days later because nobody had replied.

I have been told that I am too emotional with things. I have also been told that I have a big heart. I care about people and things more than I should. It bites me in the ass sometimes but it's all good I guess. It makes me feel good to let people know I care about them and whats going on in their lives. I try to help when I can.

Death and religion are two things that affect me greatly. I am confused on both subjects so I don't know how to handle either one.

Where is Matt? Where is my Grandma? Where are your loved ones that have passed? Will we ever see them again?

What is "right" and what is "wrong?"

Is there a Heaven or a Hell?

Is reincarnation real?

What happens when you die?!

None of will be around to answer these questions but it is always on my mind.

Does anyone else relate to me?




My heart goes out to Matt's friends and family. Also, to any and everyone who has had to deal with a situation like this.

Death is so hard to deal with.

It's so un-known.

[reverie]

I can definately relate with you BD, all those questions are extremely daunting and yet so intriguing. Like you said, they are things we'll never fully understand until we pass. And until we get there its like a continual battle field occurring within your mind space as you try to figure things out.

I've been consumed by similar thoughts lately as well, and the whole Matthew thing just cascaded it all even more. Its interesting how death has the ability to really adapt our normal perspectives. It's awesome in a way though because it ignites something really powerful in us, a will..a desire. The curiosity that drives us to find the answers I find aids in our daily journey as well as our personal development. BD, Its so great that you have so many questions.

Don't ever stop asking those questions.. I think that somehow we always re-ask them or find new ones anyways- because of the whole unknown nature of everything. The more you avoid planting yourself in one spot, the more room your roots have to grow. Look for room in all sorts of places- every spot your minds eye can see. Check out as many scriptures of faith you can, ask people their opinions and thoughts. Open avenues, feed that curiosity. You may not find an ultimate answer but you may find many common truths. Common threads, shared light. "The smallest light follows the largest, and the largest follows the source". We ourselves are a testament to the nature of things. Trust that, trust yourself..as well as others. But at the same time also question and analyze everything. Who is to even say there has to be one ultimate way?

The possibilities that are beyond what we can perceive are infinite, as well as the theories that exist behind them. How can we ever even expect to quantify the immeasurable? I think that many whom harbour such pursuits desire the peace of mind that comes with knowing and predictability. You can gauge how to live your life "properly" as well. It's comforting. At the same time I feel its the bumps along that rocky road that wake us up and excite us. And one thing that is certain is that your perspectives will carry you through it all (or at least to the all of this existence), so the best way to genuine "clarity" is to know oneself. You already got the ball rolling on that one, keep questioning, keep pondering. And keep me updated along the way .

Im sending you good vibes and hope peace of mind finds you soon. Take it easy girl.

[yoh]

ill try to be as sensitive as i can on this subject, however hard i find it to believe that people think god exists. If you believe in god, it doesnt necessarily mean you have to be a christian, you know? i mean, i personally renounce all religion, but i do believe theres something more, theres at least spirituality. the trick is deciding these things for yourself, dont let anyone tell you what to believe, just let them guide you.

While it could be argued that religion is guidance, i think its dictation. I think the way to live a content life is to go by your own beliefs, construct them as you broaden your perspective. Dont look for answers, i dont think you can ever trust answer given to you, especially by religion, follow your own phillosiphy and trust that things will fall into place.

As for death? i wont impose my belief on you, but at least be comfortable with one fact. Whatever you might feel about "spirits" "souls" etc, at least know that your body will return to the earth, your mortal coil will rot and sustain plants, personally i find something promising in the concept that at least in death ill be able to be of some use.

As for right and wrong, ill try giving an example that comes to mind which i hope will help broaden your understanding. In most civilised society, incest is concidered immoral and "wrong". On a trip to iceland i found a family of people, there was a man, his wife, a son at infant stage, and their 19 year old daughter. only, once she had reached a certain age, the father had married the daughter as well. This freaked me out of course, but he just looked at the shock on my face with some confusion, it had never occured to this man that what he was doing went against some universal code of morality, simply because there is none. Just because we think something is sick and "wrong" doesnt mean its even occured to someone in a totally different society that what theyre doing might be wrong, the bottom line is there is no right and wrong. If you see someone doing something you think is wrong, dont tell them its wrong, try and understand why theyre doing it.

As for the being with someone for eternity thing, dont think about it like that, nothing can ever last forever. the human condition, its sickness, is to always want more, joy just holds you through the fear that itll eventually depart. Be grateful for the time you have together, dont want more, just be glad anything lasts as long as it does. And no, im not saying that like its easy, like i can do it and im showing you, i think its something everyone should spend their life trying to learn, i hope ill grow up and be able to truly think like that too some day.

[Smaerd]

Don't feel too upset, over the game thing. And the fear of the unknown. I was going to type more but I am to high to remember. Just chin up!

[The Rev]

The Rev

[all_toked_up]

this may not be sound advice for you,but I personally find it easier to live life without worrying about vast amount of questions that you cant find out the answers to until death. Thats like looking forward to death! death is not something i like thing about. I live life day to day and take it slow and easy.

look at it like it gives you something to look forward to if you do die and have a afterlife here or beyond.

[AnimalLover420]

I know where you're coming from, BD. And it has been very heavy on my heart lately, just like it has been for you. I have found that the simplest explanation for ANY person, whether they are religious or not, is to always go back to your instinctual concept of "right" and "wrong". I know that often times those two regions may cross, there are many gray areas. Especially when it comes to whether or not you should be active in a church/religious facility of the religion you choose to follow, if you choose to follow one. But again, I find a very simple and comforting answer. And that is to strive to be a good person, teach your children to be good people, and I believe that you will be rewarded when you die. Whether it be with a peaceful death, a favorable reincarnation, or heaven. I really can't say. But I can say that people who live their lives trying to make the world a better place, showing compassion to their fellow human beings, will die happy- regardless of how many hours they have spent in a church building. And you are a very good person, my dear. So just work from there.

[Plissken]

Originally Posted by all_toked_up

this may not be sound advice for you,but I personally find it easier to live life without worrying about vast amount of questions that you cant find out the answers to until death. Thats like looking forward to death! death is not something i like thing about. I live life day to day and take it slow and easy.

look at it like it gives you something to look forward to if you do die and have a afterlife here or beyond.

I agree, this is, in fact, very good advice. Although it is natural to worry about these questions, your faith should tell you that you need to just live a good life and you will see these people again. And the more carnal instincts shoudl tell you to continue living your life and enjoy it. Nothing cripples life more than being consumed with death.

[Blue_Dolphin]

to everyone.

Thank you guys so much for the replies. I enjoyed reading them... Maybe I will open up more often and get even MORE awesome responses.

Originally Posted by Animallover420

But again, I find a very simple and comforting answer. And that is to strive to be a good person, teach your children to be good people, and I believe that you will be rewarded when you die. Whether it be with a peaceful death, a favorable reincarnation, or heaven. I really can't say. But I can say that people who live their lives trying to make the world a better place, showing compassion to their fellow human beings, will die happy- regardless of how many hours they have spent in a church building. And you are a very good person, my dear. So just work from there.

Thank you so much for that! You always know the right things to say! I have often thought the same thing but I am still unsure if it's "right." It's scary when you put all of the possibilities together. You dont want to "burn in hell" and you dont want to just DIE. There has to be something after that is great. I try to be a good person and I always want to help people. I think if we're "right" on that, then mostly everyone I know will be ok.

My mother got on my ass a few weeks ago becuase we don't take the kids to church. She told me that she was worried about me and that she was afraid that I won't "make it." This really upset me. I mean, she doesnt go to a church either but she's old and disabled. She watches a local church on tv. I don't keep God out of their lives but I don't drag them to church on Sunday mornings. 5 and 3 are a little too young to take in all of this stuff. When they get a little older I will probably start teaching them some things.


BUT....


What if they get scared shitless like I am? I'm sure the idea of "an eternity in hell" will scare them as well. I don't want them to fear anything. Especially if I am the one getting them into it. Maybe Verk and I should just put our heads together and come up with the "gray" areas of our beliefs and teach them those things. Hmm...



And Reverie, your posts are always so great to read! I'll have to read it a few more times before I can reply but I will say it made me smile and I felt good inside after reading it.

[AnimalLover420]

You're right on target, BD. Your kids ARE too young to understand the concept of religion, or god, and possibly even death (I know that they are aware of death, but it takes a very adult mindset to really UNDERSTAND it). Some theories say that human minds don't reach their final level of maturity until into their twenties. So to force abstract concepts such as religion and god and an afterlife on small children is just burning them out on it before they ever had a chance to really let it set in. I was one of those kids who was dragged to church every week, without fail. And by the time I became a teenager, I HATED church or anything having to do with god or satan or religion in general. My parents killed it for me. Only when I sought answers as a mature adult, ON MY OWN TERMS, was I open to the idea. So I think you are doing the right thing by waiting until they are older so that they can find out for themselves what they would like to believe. It's just another thing that makes me think that you and Verk are wonderful parents.

[Blue_Dolphin]

Aww, thanks! I think I was so used to being "drug" to church that I started to like it. And you're right, the reason I am so lost now is beacuse I learned about it all too early in my life. It was set in my head that if I didn't follow the 10 commandments etc, I would not make it into Heaven. Now that I am more conscious of things I am struggling to figure out what to do with what I know. My kids are already a lot like I was, but I won't let it get too far. Thats the joy of being a parent.... you learn from your own life and are able to help steer your own kids in the right direction.

[suburbanlights]

your kids don't need to go to church to know God.

and proof there is a God?? Look at your beautiful daughters and tell me there isn't something "higher" that helped you create them.

I don't know what happens when we die.. I don't think anyone knows for sure... The only thing is I hope it is "something" rather than "nothing", meanign I really hope there is a place we go to and that we don't just die.

I heart u... I'm sorry about ur Grandma, but I do think it's cool she got to say goodbye to you, my sister had a similar exp when our Grandma died, pretty cool.

Anyway, girl, keep asking questions!
We'll all know the answers someday!

[Blue_Dolphin]

Thanks Girl. You and your wonderful family have taught me a lot this past year. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure you know that. Remember that talk we had before my wedding? I was scared to say things but you were so open to my words it was amazing. I am sorry if I offended you in any way. I am much more open to things now and I love it.


I think that if I keep doing what I am doing I will be ok. I love people, care for them, help when I can and try to make things better for people. I don't turn my head and say nasty things about mentally challenged people or think bad about homeless people. If I feel safe, I occasionally throw out some change for them, eventhough I dont really have money to throw away like that. they are in need and I have something in front of me that might help. It would be really selfish not to. I am not a vain person. I dont judge people by the way they look. I think overall I am a good person and I can only continue doing what I am doing. Improving as the days go by.

[suburbanlights]

That's all anyone can do, girl.. Take it day by day, be thankful for your wonderful life, and be a good person and teach our kids to be good people.

[koshiva]

Hey BD...give my regards to Verk that kindred soul.

Firstly you express yourself with words just fine.

Secondly, when you give to the homeless...unless you are in a particular hurry...bend down and either hand them the money or place it before them rather than 'throwing them change'.

The religeous thing is always contentious. My own thoughts are that it is for the most part a dangerous thing. At the very least children should not be exposed to preachers/church when they are very young. It is easy enough to teach children christian values for example in the home, ie being concientious, truthful, considered, less slefish etc. They need not know about Jesus, or the ten comandments etc till they are old enough to question for themselves and make their own choices and determinations as opposed to being brain washed in church as infants. Your own experience with the 'light'...'could' certainly be much about expectations..and imagination. Strong beliefs can manifest all sorts of tricks of the mind. Though who could know but you.

You know in some of those Muslim Mosques and even those ever so awesome Tibetin monks....reciteing the koran or prayers/chants so that it is singed into their psyches...even the Dhalai-Lama may have been brain washed as a child somewhat, and I know for a fact that he himself has even expressed reservations about the new Dhalai lama's being chosen so young - see in some ways we might even consider that a form of abuse...I would....but the point is....each according to times due course...what is the rush?

People can be Christians, and good ones at that, without ever having set foot in a church, or ever having even read the bible. Any church or preacher who tells you that you will go to firey pits of hell for eternity if you sin etc is the ultimate sinner...a preacher of satanism no less. For so much of Xtianity is about forgiveness and repentance...salvati on. I see preachers on TV from time to time...Xtian ones..and for the most part I find them to be far from Christ - mainly because they are all about power and the projection of that - but not for goods sake - for self.

Life is at times a major mind fuck. If you are open minded there is no escapeing that. Sometimes it may be best to just not seek so far but to keep ones eyes on the road in front of you - for if the answers will be revealed at death, time will take its course, so why persue that which is inevitable? The thing is...many do take shelter in religeon and in many ways this is the greatest self deception of all. One must accept and learn to stand on ones own in terms of truth. If you always seek reassurance from Christ say - you have not listened nor have you reconciled the precipice of fate and destiny which will sweep us all up no matter what we do or what we believe.

For me - life has been very hard lately...and despite all that has occured...all that which I'd have never believed was possible if it hadn't happened, did happen....and in the face of all that is sometimes seemingly purposless it always seems like it's all inter-connected and there are enough cues to suggest purpose vs absolute bullshit...ie too many coincidences...but I am still open to both sides

[Blue_Dolphin]

Wow! Thanks! That was great to read. All I really know is what I was taught as a child. I liked it back then. I wasn't scared. Now that I am an adult and can see the sin that happens all around me, I am scared.

The thing I dont like about preachers is that they tell us that God is the untimate judge, yet the go on to say, "If you dont do what the Bible says, you are going to hell." It makes me mad.

There are many people in my life right now that are struggling to stay alive. My mother has survived cancer 4 times! She is also a Diabetic and has high blood pressure. My Grandmother that I spoke of before died of a cancer that my mother survived. (She was my dad's mother, not my moms.) I am scared to death of getting cancer. My best friend'