friendship and whatnot

[tedkennedy]

so i have a friend. we did H together for a while. everytime i got the H, and it was a pain in ass because i had to chill with annoying people/meet shady drug dealers often. i would front my friend money, call him ask him how much he wants whatnot. he would always put alot of stress on me to get drugs, and if we didnt have drugs he would obsevillely talk about H and how he is miserable unless he is high.

so anyway, i tell him recently that i no longer want to get H because it is so difficult for me, he knows i have bad anxiety disorder and i always complain about how hard it is to deal with these people. i suggest he tries to get it. he takes this as i dont want to do H anymore even though i explained this wasnt the case. i immediatly notice alot of tension from that point on. so he comes back for spring break and we barely hang out at all, being all he wants to do is "get H and be able to enjoy himself".
i suggest to him that he has several options, he could try catching a buzz off poppy tea, he could try enjoying himself without drugs or i offer suggestions on how he could obtain drugs. he barely talks to me or respects my opinion and i interpret as he is bitter that i wont help him get drugs and now he doesnt want to hang out with me.

so anyway, he goes back to school and starts telling me on aim that he is "nodding off right now", and thats all he says, and this goes on for a few days. im not really angry that he got drugs, im just really dissapointed that he finally gets a connect and then he doesnt share with me the experience that i always was so happy to share with him. like 5 weeks ago i went so far as to mail him drugs when i had some just so he could share the experience.

so anyway, i got quite frustrated and say to him im pissed off that i always bought him drugs and mailed him drugs and he would not even tell me about his experience and think about paying me back. immediately i felt guilty for saying it, because i made it sound like all i care about is drugs. but thats not really the issue, its really about respect, and that in paying me back he is showing that he respects my contribution of friendship and he out of friendship wants to return the gesture.

maybe people just forget about other peoples feelings and start taking it for granted when they are constantly accommodated? and sometimes you just have to remind people they have to be fair? i am always doing favors for people and shit and then no one does me favors or offers me the support i give. this is getting rough because im down to about zero friends at this point.

[koshiva]

Once you work your way up to H, where is there left to go? Nowhere.

Over time, god forbid - you will notice that the shell which opiate fiends 'may' project, is as fragile as the deception that they engage themselves in, but of which they have become a captive. The question then becomes, will you let them make a slave of you? Cause ultimatly it's all about getting high - not friendship, not respect. Too many will learn the hard way that the truth was there all along. It seems you have had a taste of it and perhaps have distanced yourself. Learn to recognise the signs for what they are. Do not allow yourself to become a victim of your own self pity, which is what opiate addiction is.

Your friend? Try and help as best you can, but remain strong and slip not into temptation. I think you became angry that he didn't share after you had shared with him all those times and yet he was doing you a favour! Maybe he even did that conciously because he cared about you too much! He may view his own life as fucked and seek to knumb himself in wonderland, but still retain a recognition that your life is 'ok' or 'better' or has 'potencial' which he probably does not see in himself. Maybe there is an opporunity for you both - to become life long friends who do have each others backs - who do respect and look out and show a sense of loyalty.

It is so indeed, people can be parasites - it be good to get a good filter going and seek good people who are genuine and can be trusted. For one can get to a place where one trusts no one at all - and that is the greatest sadness of all. Cynicsim beyond repair. Once you get there, H is probably a good option.

Seek not in others but seek to be fair and good and just. Ask not, want not.

I hope your friend makes it. He probably just needs a girl friend or something... and support. Bail not...its not over till its over. Ignore mediocrity and cultivate progress. Always carry some sense of detachment so you do not get too glued.

[tedkennedy]

^ while i cant argue with what your saying and i do find wisdom in it, my friend nor i are addicted to opiates. we both do have mild anxiety and depression, and a part of having fun for us is "self medicating" and allowing to be more "normal". so minus the fact that drugs were involved in this example the issue goes past drugs. the core issue is that i am a very perceptive, neurotic person and i am very critical about other people but more so critical of myself.

this same thing has happened with my ex girlfriend whom i was extremely compassionate and understanding towards in spite of her numerous flaws and insecurities. she is completely devoid of any understanding of my feelings, and i can sense manipulation and stupidity in basically everything she says to me. but unlike my friend i never really trusted her or thought very highly of her to begin with so it never really bothered me. the sad part is i put up with her shit and continue to put up with her shit despite the fact i loathe her personality. all the people whom i have ever been friends with i basically found reasons to dislike them and form distrust of them to the point that i avoid them. i set high standards for my friend, and i feel he let me down, and now i seem to be making too big a deal out of it maybe?

/hence anxiety disorder.

i agree with your last statement about detachment though. i think once you hit the 20 year old mark you realize that you are basically on your own. it is a sad notion, but i always thought that the few friends i had i could always count on. this is apparently not the case. you cant really depend on friends the way you could in highschool, adult friends do their own thing and then have a superficial obligatory chat once every few months reminiscing about fun things you did the past and will never do again

[koshiva]

I can totally understand the 'medication' approach in terms of rationalisation - for sure. If your 'use', as 'you'd' like to think of it as was in a legal enviornment where there was no 'fiending' for it then half of all the associated negativity surrounding that would be void. But that as you mentioned there is much consternation over just getting it - and then one can imagine the excitement of fixing once scored - just the psycology of that could become a bad habit, or addiction. Under medical supervision(programm e) then opiate use could be beneficial for some 'more' patients.

neurotic? Who isn't? Maybe you need to think of yourself as just like every one else - succuesses, problems, ambitions, goals, dreams, sadness, joy, hate, love?

making mountains outr of mole hills? Quite. Let things be can be good...not getting so serious about 'shit'. Ussually if you find so many flaws in people, your expectations are too high. Maybe you are smarter and more aware? Who could know that though? Certainly not you. Some act and appear stupid but are other wise. So too those who may appear clever or think themselves so - may be fools. And so much of that is like intelligence. What is that? Isn't it just about one point in time and how to solve a problem before you? So what if you can do such and such if it's not applicable to now.

'Mild; anxiety and depression? Cut down on substance use/abuse, or 'stop' all use. Eat well, exercise well...occupy your mind with some passion - anything. Idle hand make for the devils work and this can apply to thought processes too. Think good, be good. Hopefully, that is contageous. I know smiles can be.

[tedkennedy]

^ werd.

i keep rethinking the whole series of events thru and i wonder if maybe i just didnt make myself clear or some shit. like maybe he honestly thought i just didnt want to do H and forgot to pay me back or something and i interpreted it the wrong way. and me being me i automatically see the worst possible scenario

im just avoiding the situation as i always do making it worse, but i know if i log onto aim he is prolly gonna have an angry rant or a sarcastic comment as he always does in these situations.

sigh...

[highanddry]

This isn't a friendship guy. You're both junkies and junkies have one friend, drugs. I can't understand how you think someone is going to pay you back, give you thanks or any of that BS. You're in a world without thanks, honesty and friendship.

my friend nor i are addicted to opiates

Absolutely no relevant insight on your part..

, but i know if i log onto aim he is prolly gonna have an angry rant or a sarcastic comment as he always does in these situations.

sigh...

Are you guys lovers? Leave this kid to his H and become better friends with yours.. or get help and have real relationships with people.

You can keep telling yourself that your not addicted, but the reality is that one day you will want to stop and not be able to.. You're friend is already there, though he doesn't want to stop yet.

[tedkennedy]

^ yea im a junky who hasnt touched drugs in 5 weeks and my friend uses less drugs than i do so stfu :P just becaues the subject happens to be heroin, the situation still applies to anything, which is people not respecting other people.

oh yea and clever insertion of a homophobic comment, no we arent lovers, i have just been his friend for about 7 years.

your post fuels my frustrations that people are stupid and cant understand simple things.

ha I have recently had ex-friends "coke heads" that i never associate with anymore...

good people except for the fact they are still hooked. My ex friend has kids and has recently become a mule for a drug dealer who is in hiding. I told her ex-husband, so he can look out for his kids that are still infull custody with his ex wife. anyways...her best friend...hahaha used to be i was her best friend....calls him up and freaks the fuck out...telling him it's not true...etc. What kind of mother would tell off a man who is looking out for the best interest of his children? I'll tell you who...a fucking junkie who is looking out for the only interest, which is her drug habit.

If you want to getaway from H....stay away from other junkies...that's what i did. and now that i don't do that shit on the reg. i realise they were not true friends to begin with, but only people who wanted other junkies as a shoulder to lean on so they didn't feel so bad.

I was not a junkie like these losers, but I did it alot.

lotsa hugs TK!

[tedkennedy]

^ aye turm, i know ppl like that and i hate them. the thing is myself and my friend are "functioning" drug users, like you say we do alot of drugs but arent drug addicts.

we go to school, are really well educated and frown upon scummy people, which is very rare when you with people who use dope.

yep and i was functioning person as well, don't kid yourself tk.

lotsa love, I know what you're dealing with, and these types of friends will get you back down to where you don't want to be when you are weak.

You feel comfortable with them because you are sharing your worst moments with them, with acceptance....they give you ultimate acceptance without judgement when you are high, you need to find people who will be there for you in recovery...when you have a set back we will still be there, but guess what, when you are sobre? The user won't be there. I think this makes sense.

You know we will always be here, so share your recovery with your friends, who will accept you no matter what, even when you decide to quit H.

[tedkennedy]

^ that was deep.

oh another word...

Like i did, i told myself she was a good friend because we spent so much time together. Now I know I used her as a friend to enable myself to do the things that were not right.

make sense?

i didn't like her as a person...i liked her because she didn't care what i did.

[InAJar]

Hey TedKennedy, I have anxiety/depression also. I find that weed helps me more than anything. The only problem, is I can't always find weed and when I do, there isn't very much. When I can't find weed (like right now) I end up drinking too much beer. Beer helps with anxiety in some ways, but it doesn't help with depression much. Weed fixes both these problems for me without bogging me down like beer does. My suggestion to you is that if you can find enough weed, try that instead of H. It will probably work just as well for you without causing as many problems as H does. I've smoked opium but never tried H. I have friends that did and when they got on it, I didn't see them much anymore. They only wanted to hang around with other H users even though they were good friends before. So try not to be too angry at your friend. He doesn't mean to slight you, I don't think.

[tedkennedy]

^ aye , weed does help a bit, but its unpredictable, sometimes it increases my heart-rate which makes the problem worse. i can completely relate to what you are saying regarding drugs and anxiety.

yea, turm, wow good advice, interesting way to think about it.

[highanddry]

Originally Posted by tedkennedy

^ yea im a junky who hasnt touched drugs in 5 weeks and my friend uses less drugs than i do so stfu :P just becaues the subject happens to be heroin, the situation still applies to anything, which is people not respecting other people.

oh yea and clever insertion of a homophobic comment, no we arent lovers, i have just been his friend for about 7 years.

your post fuels my frustrations that people are stupid and cant understand simple things.

What is sad is, your lack of insight... remember this

Addiction is not related to how much or how often you use.. good luck

I apologize for coming off like an asshole, but in all honesty I think you need some blunt truth from someone you respect soon.

Originally Posted by tedkennedy

^ aye , weed does help a bit, but its unpredictable, sometimes it increases my <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.qklinkserver.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=92&k=hea rt%20rate&st=1" onmouseover="window. status='Search for: heart-rate'; self.ql_skeyphrase=' heart%20rate'; if(window.event) self.ql_sevent=windo w.event.srcElement; self.ql_timeout = setTimeout('ql_doMou seOver(1)', 1000); self.ql_isOverLink=t rue; return true;" onclick="if(self.ql_ timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql _timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; ql_closeiframe(); self.ql_skeyphrase=' heart%20rate'; window.status='Searc h for: heart-rate';return true;" onmouseout="window.s tatus=''; if(self.ql_timeout) clearTimeout(self.ql _timeout); self.ql_isOverTip = false; setTimeout('ql_close iframe()', 1500); ">heart-rate</a> which makes the problem worse. i can completely relate to what you are saying regarding drugs and anxiety.

yea, turm, wow good advice, interesting way to think about it.

because that's what it is.

[. at the end]

Well, this friend of yours is a bitch. He is just using you for drugs. Let himget addicted to H and fuck up his life. Whatever, don't even trip over this shitface crackhead.

I too have to deal with people like the one you described. You know what I do? Cut them off.

[fenderbender]

i cant stand to see people use drugs to cope with things like depression and shit. like when does that ever work

never...but it helps for the time being.

[Center]

WOW WOW WOW. Their is so many things wrong with this post I'm not sure where to start.

Your asking about your friend, but I CANNOT LET MYSELF post in this thread without trying to help you see some light elsewhere--So, you are using heroine to 'become normal', which is achieved through lowering your inhibitions with drugs? Don't you see the flaw in this? You are looking for quick fix things to change what is coming from your mind. Your anxiety or whatever other symptom's your experiencing are stemming from YOUR MIND, YOUR THOUGHTS. You will NEVER fix this by adding harmful substances to your body! Stop drugs, stop thinking negative, stop hanging with drugies. Truth hurts--

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you understand I'm only typing this to help you. Goodluck sir...