Adult Children of Divorce....

[spicoli]

Okay, so I just wanted to put this out there, to see if there were any other adults who were from broken families who feel that their lives have been adversly affected by the divorce of their parents.
I am in my 30's, and am still greatly affected by my parents divorce.
(btw, they divorced when I was like seven)
My situation is a little unique in that my dad had a several years affair with our next-door-neighbor, and eventually married her. We (my brother and I) reffered to her as our 'aunt', she was my mom's 'best friend' or so she thought, and her kids were our everyday playmates. We went on vacations together, then they became our brothers and sisters, and we lived together when visiting dad.
When I came to the age where I put it all together, I really started with the animosity towards my step-mom and my dad. It's still really bad.
I love them, but I am so damn angry with them, that it does affect my life to this day.
There are so many other completely fucked up details in our upbringing, that I'm sure will come out later in this post.
Tell me your stories!!

[generic_hippie]

the divorce was hard on me, I was the newly appointed older child after the trauma had seen my elder brother and sister leave home is search of greener pastures

Suddenly I was in this new role of shoulder for both parents to cry on, well, drunken rage and idiot self-pity on would probably be a more accurate description than cry on, but you can imagine what it was like.

when they first actually seperated and it got really hard. My younger sister was four years behind me and got to spend a lot of time with my mother's sisters.

I got to spend a month at a time with each parent who would share with me intimate details of the betrayals they felt they had been subjected to, each full of the same bitterness and anger and each relying on me for somewhere to vent, (not to mention the spying and shit they expected me to do on each other).

Fast forward five years to our next family gathering, a Christmas dinner and we were all doing particularly well by our standards, (until mother's new boyfriend phoned to wish her well). I got really drunk that night and chose to call a policeman names so I wouldn't have to pay for a motel.

The last time we were all together was at Dad's funeral five years after the last supper, 1989. My brother couldn't deal with his grief and broke my nose.

[Jimmy Coonan]

Yeah, I'm sure my parents divorce has affected me in a lot of ways I'm only just starting to be aware of. They separated when I was 12, I'm 22 now. My Dad moved away, I didn't see him much after that. Not that I ever saw him much in the first place. I'm sure my own rather jaded view of relationships and difficulty with maintaining one has a lot to do with growing up in such a bad one. There's more, but I need to put some more thought into it before I post more, it's only over the past few months that I've stopped running from and denying who I am and sorting my feelings out in my head.

[spicoli]

Sorry, that sucks.
I remember mine talking shit about each other, and when you do that to a little kids, it screws them up! I had to tell them to cut that shit out. When you have a 10 year old telling you that kind of stuff, it has to hit you hard.
During the time of their divorce and long before and after, a family member was sexually abusing me, and they had no idea. Because of their selfishness, of cheating, and hating each other, they were so consumed with themselves, that they had no idea what was happening to their little girl. And the signs were there, believe me. I put signs out all the time. That's why I'm so angry! I look at my babies, and if that was happening, I WOULD KNOW. So, why didn't they?

[GirlsHateMe]

My parents split up when I was 2, they had joint custody for while wich sucked, all my stuff was split up into different houses in wich if I forgot somthing at one house, I had to go without the next couple of days due to the fact I would be with one or the other parent for days at a time....

Needless to say that sucks...

So that eventually ended and I just stayed with my mom, wich lead to growing up without a dad, and that shit is lame...

Overall, I think its effected my life alot, in a negative way...

[spicoli]

So do any of you talk to your parents about the way their divorce has and still does affect you?
I feel like I should, even tho they already know, because I'm so pissed,still.
But- I'm not sure it would even make me feel better to open those wounds with them, get them all upset, when in reality, it's done. Has been for a long time. I dunno how to deal.

[generic_hippie]

not sure you'll get the resolution you're looking for by fronting your parents with these issues

probably best to find a friend/counsellor or psych for dumping that shit without bring-up a whole bunch more

[reverie]

Wow spicoli , thats pretty messed up. I'm sorry to hear about it all and how its affected you.

Personally for me, my parents divorce didn't impact me very much at all. All I really remember is not believing they were breaking up. My Dad was away a lot and I dont have many memories of the 3 of us together as a family. That probably has a big influence on why Im not that impacted by their divorce. I just kinda went with the flow from then on..never resented them, shit happens and both are an active part of my life still. Good and bad thing resulted from the situations that followed. And thankfully the good outweighs the bad by a significant amount.

I feel like in any situation one must always be true to themselves. So if you feel like you should talk to your parents about their divorce then you certainly should..because you may always be fighting that feeling of wishing to express to them. Keep in mind that you may not get the reaction that you may hope for but it also may give a peace of mind..by simply getting it off your chest. I say go for it.

All the best

[spicoli]

That's the general direction I'm moving in...looking into a phsychiatrist/therapist team to work my shit out with.
You're right...it won't do anything but stir up pain in both my parents for no good reason.

Edit: this response is for generic hippie

[spicoli]

Originally Posted by reverie

Wow spicoli , thats pretty messed up. I'm sorry to hear about it all and how its affected you.

Personally for me, my parents divorce didn't impact me very much at all. All I really remember is not believing they were breaking up. My Dad was away a lot and I dont have many memories of the 3 of us together as a family. That probably has a big influence on why Im not that impacted by their divorce. I just kinda went with the flow from then on..never resented them, shit happens and both are an active part of my life still. Good and bad thing resulted from the situations that followed. And thankfully the good outweighs the bad by a significant amount.

I feel like in any situation one must always be true to themselves. So if you feel like you should talk to your parents about their divorce then you certainly should..because you may always be fighting that feeling of wishing to express to them. Keep in mind that you may not get the reaction that you may hope for but it also may give a peace of mind..by simply getting it off your chest. I say go for it.

All the best

You're lucky. I wish I didn't have all this effin baggage.
My poooooooooooor husband.....

[spicoli]

Originally Posted by Jimmy Coonan

Yeah, I'm sure my parents divorce has affected me in a lot of ways I'm only just starting to be aware of. They separated when I was 12, I'm 22 now. My Dad moved away, I didn't see him much after that. Not that I ever saw him much in the first place. I'm sure my own rather jaded view of relationships and difficulty with maintaining one has a lot to do with growing up in such a bad one. There's more, but I need to put some more thought into it before I post more, it's only over the past few months that I've stopped running from and denying who I am and sorting my feelings out in my head.

Yeah. It's weird how you sort of push those feelings back and don't deal with them, and then, low and behold, one day they come back with vengeance.
My anger really started to get intense when I got married and started having babies. That's when you realize the depth of love you can have for your own child, and cannot comprehend hurting them in such a way. It is so ultimately selfish to do that to your kids...
It's such a double-edged sword. Do you stay in a miserable marriage for the sake of kids, and end up fucking up their perspective on what a 'healthy' relationship should and could be? Or do you throw in the towel, and rip their lives apart in another way?

[verklingen]

my parents divorced when i was 5. i took it pretty hard at the time, having to get some counseling for separation anxiety issues and such, but my mom moved out of state after a couple years and became less and less an active part in my life. around the age of 12 i began to see how beneficial the divorce actually turned out to be for me, as an impetus for growth. but my dad remarried into a stable relationship a year or two afterward, so i suppose my sister and i were much luckier than most.

now, as an adult, i feel like i haven't lost any time at all with my mother. she still lives out of town but she's visited twice since her granddaughter was born and we talk on the phone every few weeks. we're both glad for the time we have now because we both recognize what a waste it would be to resent the past. all in all i think i'm more glad for her at how this has worked out than i am for me, because i made peace with it long ago. . . and if she hadn't, i honestly don't think i'd want to be around her.

[Cerebro]

My parents divorced when I was about 6. My mum moved me and my older brother 2hrs away because she couldn't afford to live in Sydney anymore, I spend weekends with dad so never got enough stability in my social circle. I remember my parents arguing all the time, my dad used to start arguments/debates with my bro and I which he would never lose, that was very hurtful. I wasn't the shoulder/man about the house, the older brother was. I was the peace maker, I hated conflict. Either role is fucked up on young shoulders. My dad used to take his girlfriends overseas, he never took us. I can remember him coming back from a trip to South America, he actually bought me a tshirt that said "My Dad went to Rio de Janeiro, and all i got was this lousy tshirt" can you believe that? We were an inconvenience. We used to put a glass on our bedroom wall and listen to him fuck whoever his gf was at the time.
I tried forgiving him by looking at how happy he must have felt when I was born, some of that must have stayed with him so I held on to that (I was about 15 then). When I was 20 I met him on neutral turf and had it out with him, told him how worthless he had made me feel etc, it didnt get me anywhere deny, deny, deny...."I've got a bad memory, so I dont remember that etc". But I still feel good for having a go, although it's gay to have to be the adult when you are still so young.
We lost touch after that, I re-established a relationship with him about 6 yrs ago (27?) when we were having our first child and had a sort of dad for about 4 years, we could talk, he had accepted me, I was successful so he couldn't put shit on my occupation anymore, we had some shared interests...it was good. We didn't talk about the past.
Then at Christmas at his house he'd had too much to drink, my wife had a go at him and I was up for the next 4hrs trying to listen to him about how hurt he was that she dissed him, and explaining why it had happened. But he wouldn't listen to fucking word I said, he made out that he had some deep understanding of my wife that I wasn't privy to. So, we went back home and him and his wife licked their wounds as being very hurt by the saga and 'not ready' to move on. So we left them to it and got on with raising our own family.
One way I've been especially effected by my parents divorce is that I don't look at divorce as an option. I grew up without a father figure, that has effect me in so many ways, I can't do that to my kids.

[april]

my parents split up when i was 4. my dad was an alcoholic and used to hit my mum. to begin wit my mum tried to help him but it was just too much so she threw him out. he kept stalking us and would park out side the house. he would force his way into the house and steal things...so my mum got a restraining order. after that there were a couple of times we had to call the police or neighbours would have to come help us when he broke the restraining order. then all i remember is next thing i know he has run away and left the country and i dont hear from him for the next 6 years. we had to sell the house after that and moved into a flat. when he got back in touch he said he had stopped drinking, but that was a lie, as he called up the house one night wasted saying he was going to kill himself and stuff like that. eventually he did stop drinking tho and now he is back in scotland. i dont really have the best relationship with him and only really see him at birthdays and xmas time, im used to it tho and i dont really expect much. but it hard not to get upset when your dad forgets your birthday or is too busy to see you on your 21st. he doesnt even know wot im studying or what my boyfriend is called coz he never listens to me. i love him despite it tho.

ive found that all this has affected me in terms of how i am in relationships...im constantly testing who ever i am with to see how far i can push them which isnt fair. i find i can be overly aggressive at times which i hate. i am quite insecure about what people think of me and am very defensive ...i put up a wall if i feel i dont fit in somewhere etc etc i also sometimes will just be in bed and all of a sudden remember a horrible memory i had totally forgot or repressed and that sucks a bit too lol

[spicoli]

Thank you all for sharing your very personal stories.
Keep em' coming.
This is so incredibly helpful to me, and hopefully to u guys as well.
I find some sort of strange comfort in knowing that I'm not the only adult out there that still harbors resentment, anger, and hurt for what happend so many years ago.
I'm still trying to figure out how to get passed it. I think a shrink is gonna hafta help me!

[LHM]

My parents split when I was about 6, they were always fighting in front of me and shit but I still didn't want them to split. Anyway it happened, the main reason was because daddy was out there rooting other women. Anyway the whole time since then has been a bit of a blur, a few months after they split they came across each other in the street, a physical altercation occured leaving my mum in hospital in a coma on life support for a year.

I lived with my dad in a shed for the following year, during that time visiting her almost everyday and watching her wake up. It was pretty sad but as a little kid you just plow through the shit without thinking about it too much, synthesizing happiness. When mum got out of hospital I went back to live with her. My father left the country to go work in the usa. I was upset to say the least. Anyway I always saw my mum as a different person after that, she just didn't seem like the same mum I had before she got fucked up. I pretty much grew up with her while she was still getting her head together after that shit. Anyway a few years later the accident caught up with her and sped up genetic iregularities, her kidneys failed, heart attacks etc etc etc etc.

I'm her carer now, sometimes I feel my dad should be the one here looking after her, and I do have a great deal of negative attachments in me from those past events. I do get worried sometimes that I'm watching the best part of my life go by, and I'll never know what it's like to move out and be an indepedant man making a life for himself. It's frustrating as it's one thing I know I can't change. But I pretty much just stopped giving a shit what happens now. Our dreams mean shit in the big picture.

Lifes a box of chocolates and there's no seethrough lid. And theres no point complaining as there's always someone who's got it ten times worse. So don't sweat it.

[spicoli]

LHM- You are doing a selfless and beautiful thing by caring for your mother. Even if you refuse to acknowledge it. She needs you, and you are there. As angry as it may make you now, when she is gone, you will be glad you were there to comfort her.
It makes me sad to hear you say you've given up on your dreams...that's the best way to make sure they never come true.
You deserve happiness and love and freedom, and you can't give up on that.
I really think that if you don't believe that you are worthy of good things in life, they just won't come to you.
You are incredibly strong, by the way.

[Porcelain]

My parents split a few years ago when I was 20. They were married for 21 years, 20 of which was turbulant. Their split ended with my mom going to the slammer for a couple weeks after attempting to stab my dad. They both cheated on eachother, fought physically, pitted my (much younger) brother and I against one another. It was a big huge mess and for a while after their split, I was happy that mess was over. However, it all hit me about a year after their split when my daughter's father and I started having issues of our own. We were together for 3 years at the time and things got so bad between us that I got my own apartment and had to take care of not only myself, but also my 1 year old. I began to resent both of my parents because they were so wrapped up in finding someone new that they were never fully there for me when I needed them the most. My mom rarely offered to baby-sit my daughter even when I needed to go to work. Although my dad helped out with that, I just always felt like he was like a little boy again who just wanted to go around with random chicks who were nearly my age. On top of everything, my brother (who was 6) really felt the burn of their split cuz he had to listen to them trash talk each other. I felt bad for him. My mom remarried just over a year later but her husband (who isn't my favorite person in the world) got deported so she shipped my brother off to Russia to live with my extended family and went to Israel to be with her husband. My dad is out of the country for work most of the month and sometimes I just feel so lonely cuz aside from my daughter, I don't have anyone who is family to me. Her dad and I got back together but it's still hard when we have an argument and I don't have anyone to turn to for comfort. I guess as an adult, that's been the hardest part of experiencing divorce.