I need relationship advice.

AnimalLover420 · 05-12-2008, 12:41 PM

I've come here because all of the people I know in real life who have experience with long-term relationships are family, and I don't feel comfortable telling them some of what I'm feeling. I also don't think that my man ever visits this place anymore, so it should be safe.

Here's my problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years. We've been through a lot of difficult shit and broken up several times, one of those times we even stayed apart for about 2 months. We've had a rocky relationship, but one thing was always certain: we were in love. The thing is, I think I may be falling out of love with him. I know that relationships don't always have the "brand-new" passionate phase characteristic of first meeting someone. And I don't expect ours too. I do, however, prefer that my relationship have at least SOME passion left. I can't remember the last time we just went absolutely crazy and fought each other all the way to the bedroom, unable to even hit the bed before getting crazy turned on (see why I didn't want to talk about this with family?) And I know that's not just his fault, I'm sure I've become boring in bed to him too. But I don't think it's that I'm just getting too old or losing my sex drive, it's still very much alive. I just crave something different and interesting.

Other than the passion-factor, there are other things I wonder about. Example: our dispositions are SO different. I stay happy pretty much all the time, it takes some major shit hitting the fan before my mood is soured. He, on the other hand, lets every fucking thing ruin his day and it brings me down. I find myself feeling miserable just because he does, when I otherwise would have been in a perfect mood. He's also not as socially inclined as I am. I don't have the desire to be out on the town every night, I actually don't even like hanging out at bars or clubs. But do like to go over to friend's houses or to concerts or even just for a walk in the park, while he is always more interested in staying home.

So my question for you all is this: Is it beyond repair? I am still very much in love with him and the last thing on this earth I want to do is hurt someone whom I care so much for. But if we're too different, isn't it time we just go our separate ways? Does this sound like a typical relationship that needs an exciting boost and more effort on both our parts to be saved, or does it sound like I'm kidding myself trying to make something work that never will?

Thank you so much to anyone who actually read all or part if this. I'm really torn right now and ANY advice would be appreciated.

WildWill · 05-12-2008, 12:48 PM

Yup, your relationship is doomed, either now or two years from now, it won't matter. There's too much baggage that you're both carrying from the past. the differences are too many, and for one party to ask the other to compromise their actions is not fair.

At least you haven't brought kids into the picture, then it would be even messier.

My advice would be to make a clean break, and try to date someone else for awhile. Don't even contact your ex for some time, at least a couple months. IF you still find yourself pining away for this guy who brings your down all the time, get counseling.

Staying in a bad relationship just for the sex is an awful way to live day-to-day. If he's not fulfilling your basic needs for companionship and is only a tool for sex, you can get that guilt free elsewhere.

Then again, what do I know? I've had ONE solid relationship in my 37 years on this planet, of course, it's ongoing and in about a month we'll be celebrating our 8th anniversary.

WildWill · 05-12-2008, 12:55 PM

Forgot to add, good luck and stay safe!

verklingen · 05-12-2008, 01:13 PM

i certainly don't think it's beyond repair, but only you can decide where that line is drawn.

i think i good talk is needed between you two. both of you need to figure out how your behaviors affect each other, why they have those effects, and what can be done about them. long-term relationships have a way of getting really bad emotionally before either party recognizes there is an actual problem, so much so that the bad feelings themselves become a part of the usual routine. by this point, when a problem is brought up it is most times done selfishly, which is to say that it is presented one-sided as though it pertains to only half the equation. it's never meant as an attack -- you're just seeing a problem and explaining how it's affecting you -- but it's often seen as one, and the result is a reaction in what is perceived as like kind: justifications, accusations, and whatever else. this goes both ways, and through a 5-year relationship i'm sure you've seen your fair share.

talk with him: explain yourself completely and allow him the same chance. see how your explanations relate and don't be afraid to point out what doesn't add up or have what doesn't add up on your part pointed out. there is no right or wrong in this (with the exception of feeling like you're "owed" some leeway in your behavior for something you've put up with), you are both dealing with opinions. express them clearly and try to find an agreement between them. you have to understand each other, but most importantly understand yourself. if you don't have that there's no use trying to understand anyone (or really anyTHING in my opinion) else. lastly. . . the past is the past. leave it there. that only matters if you both agree, though.

but all this is offered under the assumption that you BOTH want this to work. . . figure that out first. best of luck, plenty good vibes going your way.

Center · 05-12-2008, 01:40 PM

Well, everything can be repaired. The question is: are the materials worth the INVESTMENT? In this case the material are you as a person and the limited amount of time you have left on this planet, in this body. Now, you may love someone on a soulful personal level, but you know what, sometimes you just have to left someone or something go if they are toxic. It's natural for you to want to try to make something work with someone you've put so many of your resources into, but, sometimes you have to realise a bad INVESTMENT and pull out.

Only you can determine the quality of your relationship. I would advise you one thing though--think thoroughly and very well about your relationships (especially your lover), they shape and change you more then anything else on the planet. To choose unwisely will bring certain demise; Goodluck.

Gяiєvєs · 05-12-2008, 02:50 PM

The ship has only sprung a leak...It's now up to you weather or not you want to save it, let it drag you down with it, or let it sink completely...The first thing you need to do is let your partner know whats up, communication is the most important thing and resolution can only come once everything is out on the table and no one is hiding anything...For all you know he may feel the same way and just doesn't know your stance...If talking doesn't help matters than work on a clean resolution to the relationship in which both of you keep your pride in tact.. Whatever you do, don't stay in the relationship any longer than you feel comfortable...Good luck It'll work itself out..

AnimalLover420 · 05-12-2008, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WildWill

Staying in a bad relationship just for the sex is an awful way to live day-to-day. If he's not fulfilling your basic needs for companionship and is only a tool for sex, you can get that guilt free elsewhere.

I'm definitely not just staying with him for the sex. To be honest, our sex life has seen better days. It really is companionship keeping me with him. Sometimes I feel really miserable, but then I worry that I'd miss him if he weren't around. Maybe it's a "grass is greener on the other side" type of thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by verklingen

talk with him: explain yourself completely and allow him the same chance. see how your explanations relate and don't be afraid to point out what doesn't add up or have what doesn't add up on your part pointed out.

We have talked about it quite a bit. Basically what I get out of him is that he is just a pessimistic person and that's how it's going to be. He even tells me that he thinks I would be better off with a more happy person. And I understand that he is who he is, and I know that I can't change him. But the thing is, I didn't realize what a Debbie Downer he truly was until I had already fallen for him. Now I do find myself wondering if I'd be better suited for someone different.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grieves

For all you know he may feel the same way and just doesn't know your stance...If talking doesn't help matters than work on a clean resolution to the relationship in which both of you keep your pride in tact.. Whatever you do, don't stay in the relationship any longer than you feel comfortable...Good luck It'll work itself out..

He has told me that he got so lucky to land such a pleasant person, and that he'll never even try to find a girl as good as me if I ever leave him. I'm sure that's a load of crap, because obviously he can't see himself dating others while he's still dedicated to me.

I guess my next question would be this: Is there a such thing as a bubbly, happy man, or is that just a chick thing? I know everyone has their moments, but I think my life would be happier if it was spent with someone who lifted me up rather than bringing me down. I just don't know if that person exists and I don't want to sit here wondering if I should "upgrade" when I should just be happy with what I've got. He is very good to me, would never cheat, treats me like a lady, and all that. Am I being greedy to expect a smile and a good mood every once in a while on top of all those things?

**Captain Cannabis** · 05-12-2008, 09:37 PM

optimistic people exist in both genders.

AnimalLover420 · 05-12-2008, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain Cannabis

optimistic people exist in both genders.

I knew it! I knew happy men existed! Our families have really been pressuring us to get married, and I was very excited about the idea of it at first. But the more I think about it, the more a lifetime of shitty moods and gloomy days seems like the exact opposite of what I desire for my life. But I'm just so close to him, I've never been so comfortable around anyone. Sometimes I think that I'm happy enough for the both of us, but it just gets old being constantly reminded of the shitty things in life.

GirlsHateMe · 05-12-2008, 09:59 PM

ive seen you naked

Porcelain · 05-12-2008, 10:03 PM

From everything you've said, I think this is more of a battle you face with yourself than with him. I think that deep down inside, you have this vision of your ideal man. It's not wrong...we all idealize this non-existant person somehow...it's just that you're at that point in your life where you're wondering if he exists. Your boyfriend may not necessarily live up to your ideals but ask yourself why you've stood this long with him to begin with? The thing is, no one ever finds their ideal person...the person we find is someone who is close enough that we're willing to accept them. So you should ask yourself what it is about your boyfriend that reminds you of your animus.

I've been with my man for 5 years too and I can sympathize with a lot about what you said. When I feel kind of "blah" about him, I just ask myself why I fell in love with him to begin with. Or, I try to look out for his positive qualities...I try seeing him in his element (at work, as a father, etc...) and it makes me realize that I am lucky to be with a person like him. I went through a huge phase of dismissing everything he did and just calling him an asshole but after spending a few months apart, I realized how few people come as close to my ideal man as he did. I spent some time as a 3rd wheel around other couples and I realized that even the "cute" couples have their shitty times. Everyone works on their relationships. They're never easy and if they seem like they are, there's either a lot of denial or hard work brewing underneath, ya dig?

**Captain Cannabis** · 05-12-2008, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnimalLover420

I knew it! I knew happy men existed! Our families have really been pressuring us to get married, and I was very excited about the idea of it at first. But the more I think about it, the more a lifetime of shitty moods and gloomy days seems like the exact opposite of what I desire for my life. But I'm just so close to him, I've never been so comfortable around anyone. Sometimes I think that I'm happy enough for the both of us, but it just gets old being constantly reminded of the shitty things in life.

there are some important things i have learned about myself in regards to how my mood affects my experiences. people who stress and whine and bitch about everything really bring me down. in my mind i don't have enough time on this planet to be in a bad mood every time i am inconvenienced. such a lifestyle seems ridiculous to me. not to hijack your thread or anything, i will say that both of my parents have this effect on me. my mom is the worst though. she always stresses about everything and i can't handle it. being around someone in that type of mood absolutely affects my mood and how much i enjoy that particular day. if we both have to be somewhere in the morning i will wake up an hour earlier than necessary so i can eat breakfast in peace, and then take a nap before i leave the house. i have to completely avoid both of them sometimes, which makes me glad that i'm going to living in a different country soon. anyway that was a bit off topic..

being comfortable and being compatible are different things. i have had a few females that i have been totally comfortable with, yet i am too stupid to enjoy myself if i don't see a future in the relationship. its small things like your issue with your boyfriend that i personally can't ignore. i am too quick to dismiss people for those reasons and the result is that i am perpetually single.

how bad is it with him? does it affect your moods a lot? would you be happy being single?

funny how a man with a wonderful woman can be so gloomy, while myself i am content yet alone.

CowMan · 05-13-2008, 06:30 AM

CC: perhaps your contentness is breeding complacency?

AL420: Yes there are happy go-lucky guys out there. I'm one of 'em. Usually pretty cheerful and full of life. If you are like me, then you kind of need someone who's happy as well. I've spent my time with some women who are downers and it's just no fun. I try to surround myself with positive people at all times.

Negative people need to be cut out like a cancer. Sorry if this seems harsh to your bf, but if he's a consistant downer, always shitting on himself and telling you that you should be with someone more plesant...well, I think you have to really consider it.

Also, leave the pressure for marriage and all that alone. Try to look at this situation objectively without these outside influences making your decisions for you.

It's not beyond repair, if you two are both wiling to work on it and maybe inject a little spice into the bedroom I think you can possibly work things out. If you're not willing to put in the effort to keep it going then i think it's time to see new people.

CowMan · 05-13-2008, 06:32 AM

Also, porcelain is spot on with her assesment on 'ideal people' just... some people are mroe ideal then others.

AnimalLover420 · 05-13-2008, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porcelain

From everything you've said, I think this is more of a battle you face with yourself than with him. I think that deep down inside, you have this vision of your ideal man. It's not wrong...we all idealize this non-existant person somehow...it's just that you're at that point in your life where you're wondering if he exists. Your boyfriend may not necessarily live up to your ideals but ask yourself why you've stood this long with him to begin with? The thing is, no one ever finds their ideal person...the person we find is someone who is close enough that we're willing to accept them. So you should ask yourself what it is about your boyfriend that reminds you of your animus.

I've been with my man for 5 years too and I can sympathize with a lot about what you said. When I feel kind of "blah" about him, I just ask myself why I fell in love with him to begin with. Or, I try to look out for his positive qualities...I try seeing him in his element (at work, as a father, etc...) and it makes me realize that I am lucky to be with a person like him. I went through a huge phase of dismissing everything he did and just calling him an asshole but after spending a few months apart, I realized how few people come as close to my ideal man as he did. I spent some time as a 3rd wheel around other couples and I realized that even the "cute" couples have their shitty times. Everyone works on their relationships. They're never easy and if they seem like they are, there's either a lot of denial or hard work brewing underneath, ya dig?

I am really starting to realize how correct you are when you say it's mostly a battle between me, myself, and I. It seems as if the decision really is mine alone, because he is always going to be this way. I just have to decide if I can deal with that for a lifetime, and I really don't think I can. I've heard so many people tell me that the "perfect" relationship does not exist that I've just started to accept mine, even though I find myself very unhappy at times. And as for your question about how close he is to my ideal man, he's actually not that close. We share a lot of the same opinions and he would never hit me or cheat, but other than that there's not a lot about him that matches what I'd always dreamed of for myself. I guess I'm having trouble knowing when to settle for what I've got and give up on fairy-tale thoughts and when to actually try for something that works better for me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain Cannabis

being comfortable and being compatible are different things. i have had a few females that i have been totally comfortable with, yet i am too stupid to enjoy myself if i don't see a future in the relationship. its small things like your issue with your boyfriend that i personally can't ignore. i am too quick to dismiss people for those reasons and the result is that i am perpetually single.

how bad is it with him? does it affect your moods a lot? would you be happy being single?

funny how a man with a wonderful woman can be so gloomy, while myself i am content yet alone.

To answer your questions, there are times when everything is smooth sailing and we have pleasant days. But those seem to be few and far between. I find myself anticipating his laughter like a little child, watching and waiting to see any sign of happiness. And that seems fucked up to me, that a sign of a good mood from him is so rare that it feels foreign when it actually happens. I don't know if I could be happy as a single girl. I know that I wouldn't at first. I'd probably cry. A lot. And I'd probably be very lonely considering I've lost contact with many of my friends throughout the course of this relationship. But maybe in the end I would be much happier than I am now. It's just hard to tell because I've been with him for so long I have almost forgotten what it's like to be single.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CowMan

AL420: Yes there are happy go-lucky guys out there. I'm one of 'em. Usually pretty cheerful and full of life. If you are like me, then you kind of need someone who's happy as well. I've spent my time with some women who are downers and it's just no fun. I try to surround myself with positive people at all times.

Negative people need to be cut out like a cancer. Sorry if this seems harsh to your bf, but if he's a consistant downer, always shitting on himself and telling you that you should be with someone more plesant...well, I think you have to really consider it.

Also, leave the pressure for marriage and all that alone. Try to look at this situation objectively without these outside influences making your decisions for you.

It's not beyond repair, if you two are both wiling to work on it and maybe inject a little spice into the bedroom I think you can possibly work things out. If you're not willing to put in the effort to keep it going then i think it's time to see new people.

Thanks. I was really starting to wonder if "giddy" men even existed, because the only ones I've known (who weren't gay) would seem like generally happy people when I first met them. But once I got to know them better their true, miserable colors were revealed. Leaving him will be a pretty big deal though, considering that we live together and all of our families are expecting us to get hitched any day now (really more of their idea than ours). So breaking up would mean moving out, finding a new roommate and place to stay (because there is no fucking WAY I'm moving in w/ my mom) and a whole ordeal. So I just want to be sure it's the right thing to do before I go through all that.

FineazPR · 05-13-2008, 07:20 AM

Its OK to grow and change within a relationship. Boredom happens,and it may not have anything to do with you. Have you talked about this with him at all? Is he aware of a "problem" existing between U 2? Or maybe its time to move on. And that is OK too! You can recover, and you will heal. Chances are, he is prolly just as miserable as U, ad looking for a way out! (cough, cough!)

05-12-2008, 12:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
AnimalLover420 Love Junkie Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: US Posts: 3,199 Thanks: 3 Thanked 16 Times in 9 Posts	I need relationship advice. I've come here because all of the people I know in real life who have experience with long-term relationships are family, and I don't feel comfortable telling them some of what I'm feeling. I also don't think that my man ever visits this place anymore, so it should be safe. Here's my problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years. We've been through a lot of difficult shit and broken up several times, one of those times we even stayed apart for about 2 months. We've had a rocky relationship, but one thing was always certain: we were in love. The thing is, I think I may be falling out of love with him. I know that relationships don't always have the "brand-new" passionate phase characteristic of first meeting someone. And I don't expect ours too. I do, however, prefer that my relationship have at least SOME passion left. I can't remember the last time we just went absolutely crazy and fought each other all the way to the bedroom, unable to even hit the bed before getting crazy turned on (see why I didn't want to talk about this with family?) And I know that's not just his fault, I'm sure I've become boring in bed to him too. But I don't think it's that I'm just getting too old or losing my sex drive, it's still very much alive. I just crave something different and interesting. Other than the passion-factor, there are other things I wonder about. Example: our dispositions are SO different. I stay happy pretty much all the time, it takes some major shit hitting the fan before my mood is soured. He, on the other hand, lets every fucking thing ruin his day and it brings me down. I find myself feeling miserable just because he does, when I otherwise would have been in a perfect mood. He's also not as socially inclined as I am. I don't have the desire to be out on the town every night, I actually don't even like hanging out at bars or clubs. But do like to go over to friend's houses or to concerts or even just for a walk in the park, while he is always more interested in staying home. So my question for you all is this: Is it beyond repair? I am still very much in love with him and the last thing on this earth I want to do is hurt someone whom I care so much for. But if we're too different, isn't it time we just go our separate ways? Does this sound like a typical relationship that needs an exciting boost and more effort on both our parts to be saved, or does it sound like I'm kidding myself trying to make something work that never will? Thank you so much to anyone who actually read all or part if this. I'm really torn right now and ANY advice would be appreciated. __________________ ************************************** R.I.P. Ken Gorman**

05-12-2008, 12:48 PM	#2 (permalink)
WildWill Go Medical! Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Beverly Hills Adjacent Posts: 212 Thanks: 34 Thanked 29 Times in 24 Posts	Yup, your relationship is doomed, either now or two years from now, it won't matter. There's too much baggage that you're both carrying from the past. the differences are too many, and for one party to ask the other to compromise their actions is not fair. At least you haven't brought kids into the picture, then it would be even messier. My advice would be to make a clean break, and try to date someone else for awhile. Don't even contact your ex for some time, at least a couple months. IF you still find yourself pining away for this guy who brings your down all the time, get counseling. Staying in a bad relationship just for the sex is an awful way to live day-to-day. If he's not fulfilling your basic needs for companionship and is only a tool for sex, you can get that guilt free elsewhere. Then again, what do I know? I've had ONE solid relationship in my 37 years on this planet, of course, it's ongoing and in about a month we'll be celebrating our 8th anniversary. __________________ Custom Volcano Bags http://www.geocities.com/wmnoe/volcanobags.html

05-12-2008, 12:55 PM	#3 (permalink)
WildWill Go Medical! Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Beverly Hills Adjacent Posts: 212 Thanks: 34 Thanked 29 Times in 24 Posts	Forgot to add, good luck and stay safe! __________________ Custom Volcano Bags http://www.geocities.com/wmnoe/volcanobags.html

05-12-2008, 02:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
Gяiєvєs High Score Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Terra Sancta Posts: 7,787 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 420 Thanked 201 Times in 91 Posts	The ship has only sprung a leak...It's now up to you weather or not you want to save it, let it drag you down with it, or let it sink completely...The first thing you need to do is let your partner know whats up, communication is the most important thing and resolution can only come once everything is out on the table and no one is hiding anything...For all you know he may feel the same way and just doesn't know your stance...If talking doesn't help matters than work on a clean resolution to the relationship in which both of you keep your pride in tact.. Whatever you do, don't stay in the relationship any longer than you feel comfortable...Good luck It'll work itself out.. __________________ It's so controlled, it's sitting in most, just sit and stare, At a television with a distant glare, And I'm ashamed to admit it, I'm a slave to this shit, As much as anybody but I'm not afraid of it, This is where the change comes, and this is where we make some difference, Embrace what's within us and escape from this prison, All it takes is a little bit of faith, And a little bit of love, to get rid of all the hate, Last edited by Gяiєvєs; 05-12-2008 at 02:53 PM.

05-12-2008, 09:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
Captain Cannabis hope fiend Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: trapped in a computer Posts: 9,824 Thanks: 219 Thanked 152 Times in 101 Posts	optimistic people exist in both genders. __________________ fuck the monkeys

05-12-2008, 01:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way up the ladder of greatness Posts: 525 Thanks: 5 Thanked 33 Times in 26 Posts	Well, everything can be repaired. The question is: are the materials worth the INVESTMENT? In this case the material are you as a person and the limited amount of time you have left on this planet, in this body. Now, you may love someone on a soulful personal level, but you know what, sometimes you just have to left someone or something go if they are toxic. It's natural for you to want to try to make something work with someone you've put so many of your resources into, but, sometimes you have to realise a bad INVESTMENT and pull out. Only you can determine the quality of your relationship. I would advise you one thing though--think thoroughly and very well about your relationships (especially your lover), they shape and change you more then anything else on the planet. To choose unwisely will bring certain demise; Goodluck.

05-12-2008, 09:59 PM	#10 (permalink)
GirlsHateMe Souled-Out Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Central Florida Posts: 2,267 Thanks: 29 Thanked 35 Times in 31 Posts	ive seen you naked __________________ When you love something, let it go...and if it comes back to you...YOU SHOOT IT, BECAUSE YOU BURRIED IT IN THAT DAMN INDIAN CEMETERY.... "When they come for me, Ill be sitting at my desk, with a gun in my hand, wearing a bulletproof vest, singin my my my how time must fly when you know your gunna die by the end of the night"-Catch 22

05-13-2008, 06:30 AM	#13 (permalink)
CowMan Just a friend Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: On the other side Posts: 2,542 Thanks: 1 Thanked 17 Times in 6 Posts	CC: perhaps your contentness is breeding complacency? AL420: Yes there are happy go-lucky guys out there. I'm one of 'em. Usually pretty cheerful and full of life. If you are like me, then you kind of need someone who's happy as well. I've spent my time with some women who are downers and it's just no fun. I try to surround myself with positive people at all times. Negative people need to be cut out like a cancer. Sorry if this seems harsh to your bf, but if he's a consistant downer, always shitting on himself and telling you that you should be with someone more plesant...well, I think you have to really consider it. Also, leave the pressure for marriage and all that alone. Try to look at this situation objectively without these outside influences making your decisions for you. It's not beyond repair, if you two are both wiling to work on it and maybe inject a little spice into the bedroom I think you can possibly work things out. If you're not willing to put in the effort to keep it going then i think it's time to see new people. __________________ He who hesitates is lost

05-13-2008, 06:32 AM	#14 (permalink)
CowMan Just a friend Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: On the other side Posts: 2,542 Thanks: 1 Thanked 17 Times in 6 Posts	Also, porcelain is spot on with her assesment on 'ideal people' just... some people are mroe ideal then others. __________________ He who hesitates is lost

05-13-2008, 07:20 AM	#16 (permalink)
FineazPR YaHookan Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: A HOTT place Posts: 101 Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	relationship advice..? OK... Its OK to grow and change within a relationship. Boredom happens,and it may not have anything to do with you. Have you talked about this with him at all? Is he aware of a "problem" existing between U 2? Or maybe its time to move on. And that is OK too! You can recover, and you will heal. Chances are, he is prolly just as miserable as U, ad looking for a way out! (cough, cough!)