Need advice

[Canuck Wisdom]

Hey guys,

I've got this relationship, sort of. I've been seeing her since around christmas, and now she is out of the province, and out of the country next year. She talks about getting back together when she gets back, and in the shorter term is trying to find a chance to come visit.

We talk a fair bit on the phone and internet, and she says how she loves me and so on. And thats good, I like her a lot too. She wants to stay away from dating while she is away, and I like the idea of that, but were not going to do a long distance relationship thing. Still it would be nice to be able to talk to her and still keep that little special thing going.

As I said I like her a lot, but I do have some significant problems with the way our relationship seems to work, which leaves me feeling like I am getting the bum end of the deal. Anyways I couldn't sleep much last night after talking to her for a bit and finally as the sun was coming up I sat down here and wrote a page long letter about why I am concerned and how if things don't change its not in my best interest to stay emotionally connected to her.

I don't know whether or not to send it, thats what I am asking. I am going to sit on it for at least a day and see how I feel. I don't want to ruin her good feelings towards me for while she is gone, but need to express myself so I either don't keep feeling disrespected, or I stop talking to her so much and try to move on.

I don't know if its worth it to express my problems or not, but I don't like what I am getting from this, and its made all the more obvious now by the fact that she is far away. Same issues, just magnified.

She really likes me and would probably try to work with me, but it might just strain our relationship more than help if I open up because of the distance, we can't face each other in person. We've had a couple mini episodes lately and I personally feel like there is a bit of a strain already. If she does, she seems to be ignoring it.


Part of what my problem is is how she seems less considerate of my concerns, then I of hers, and I worry that saying these things may just highlight problems that cannot be resolved, because our characters just don't mesh right, and that it would in fact be best to break up so to speak, but since she is already far away, I don't know if its the right thing to do.

[Mafoo]

i have a similiar situation, my gf is planning on moving the end of this summer and whenever i ask her about her plans and what not she imediately gets frustrated towards me, as if i was trying to make her mad. in actuality im just trying express my feelings but she has no patients for that kind of discussion.

im leaning toward seperation simply because distance is a difficult thing to deal with, but if your girl wants to get back with you whenver she comes back maybe you can just wait until that happens and then decide for sure.
unless your feelings of disrespect are creating a negative set of emotions for you while she is away, if thats the case you gotta end it.
sorry for the rambleage and i hope everything works out, i know how much this type of stuff sucks.

[illest12]

obviously, you already know what to do.

Just read your post.

[badgoalie85]

Originally Posted by illest12

obviously, you already know what to do.

Just read your post.

qf fucking t i was just about to respond EXACTLY the same way.

like verbatim, no joke.

[Canuck Wisdom]

Whats that, end it?

I'm gonna keep thinking about it, but I think for now I will just hold my tongue and maybe try and distance myself from her without saying anything. If she comes to visit one more time I will bring it up, let her know exactly how I feel no matter what it means for her, and make sure she understands it instead of as Mafoo says just gets frustrated with the conversation and ignores what I am getting at.

The thing is, she wants to abstain, but says she expects me to date other people while she is away. So in a way it is ideal, but I find it difficult to deal with her telling me about the things she does while also saying she loves me and no way would 'cheat'. Even though the things she says to me, if I was saying to her, would be in attempt to make her a little bit jealous, and it makes me jealous, but then she thinks I should be able to curb my jealousy. Her plan is to take a year off birth control for a variety of reasons, so I mean there is empirical reasons why she would want to be that way.

I think if I do date other people it would make me feel more confident about my situation, but I am hesitant to do that until she either comes to visit or I know for sure she is not coming. She has more experience creating new relationships and I feel like it gives her an upper hand of sort, that I don't care for, i.e. if she is not willing to satisfy my jealous concerns and maybe temper her behaviour a bit out of respect for me I find it difficult to continue having an emotional connection to her. The last thing I want to do is tell her how to live her life, but I don't find her willingness to trust new friends very comforting. In fact, somewhat inapropriate, could lead to being taken advantage of. Personally I am pretty reserved, so I try to be understanding, but that only goes so far when I don't feel respected.

/sigh, its confusing, this morning I got some very respectful (in the sense I am talking about above) texts from her on my phone.

[badgoalie85]

it sounds a bit to me like you're making a problem out of nothing. if you have issues that need resolution, then you should let her know what those issues are. if you think she'll react negatively to those issues and won't care about the fact that you're unhappy, then why would you want her anyway?

if you feel at ALL disrespected don't just accept it and see what happens...that's WHY you get disrespected in the first place. the bottom line is that you should do exactly what you want to do and it sounds to me like you want to let her know about your issues. fuck her if she decides that your issues aren't important to her because if they're not important to her she shouldn't be important to you.

[Canuck Wisdom]

Yea man, thanks, its good to hear.

Still I am gonna give it a couple sobering days and make sure I am not just being paranoid or something.

[Suliman]

yeah man, i agree with badgoalie, just to add that bringing up problems, if they are real and not just paranoia or an irritated ramble or whatever, never hurt anyone. if shes going away for a year you should bring it up now not when you havent seen her for half a year, know what i mean?

anyway, best of luck to you man, this shit really fucks with your mind

[Skywarp]

keep her in your life without the labels and expectations, taking it one day at a time, enjoing every moment together but not monopolising each others time into redundancy? Is that an option? We are nothing more than the moments we make, if they become forced than drop all the what ifs and live in the we are...

[Suliman]

Originally Posted by Skywarp

keep her in your life without the labels and expectations, taking it one day at a time, enjoing every moment together but not monopolising each others time into redundancy? Is that an option? We are nothing more than the moments we make, if they become forced than drop all the what ifs and live in the we are...

got it... kinda. it sounds awesomely perfect but im too sober to understand it fully. imma smoke bowls and check back in on it ;P

thats realy deep sky, and its a really good point. im going to take that and save it, i really like what youre trying to say

[Kishar]

Send the letter, as long as it's not a break-up letter..that would be lame.

Send the letter and let her know exactly how you feel about her and what you expect in the relationship. Let her know you really care about her. Do you love her very much or do you just like her and think she's fly? Ask her to call or write back after she reads it and let you know how she feels then the both of you may be able to compromise with each other and shit might turn out great if both of you are honest. If it doesnt work and she dumps you or vice versa then it wasnt worth it anyway and in that case I'll give you my sister digits...she's hottt. (thats what my friends say, I think she's gross) lol

[fenderbender]

Originally Posted by Skywarp

keep her in your life without the labels and expectations, taking it one day at a time, enjoing every moment together but not monopolising each others time into redundancy? Is that an option? We are nothing more than the moments we make, if they become forced than drop all the what ifs and live in the we are...

first off great post,,,


but what (i think ) you said there isnt always as easy as it seems... you can try to keep it like that, live for today with her etc etc, but after time you start to develop something more with her and it gets extremely hard to just look at shit that way as much as youd love to...


eh if i understood your post correctly then it really hit home for me as thats what ive been trying to do, and succeed with it every once in a while... but damn its hard sometimes and idk how the fuck its gonna turn out... probably bad and hurtful

[Canuck Wisdom]

Thanks guys, good posts. It's really nice to be able to have yahooka to do this sort of thing with.

[Canuck Wisdom]

So it looks like she will probably be coming down to visit in july. I don't want to fuck up the visit or have her leave earlier but I can't let her come down here and not explain to her that I'm not satisfied and basically I it seems like lack of effort on her part, or a very different idea of whats going on.

[Canuck Wisdom]

So it looks like she will probably be coming down to visit in july. I don't want to fuck up the visit or have her leave earlier but I can't let her come down here and not explain to her that I'm not satisfied and basically I it seems like lack of effort on her part, or a very different idea of whats going on.