Brother problems

Bearsy · 04-10-2009, 09:43 PM

So my older brother isn't very friendly(to put it kindly) to our family.

He doesn't make any effort to clean up after his messes, or do his laundry or even say goodnight without catching an attitude.

Whenever I try talking to him about anything more substantive than last weeks episode of Heroes or something, he shuts down.

He's not depressed I think. He goes out with friends all the time, he enjoys that... he just seems to hate everyone he's related to.

How do I get him to open up a bit. Or at least be cordial?

**SageTree** · 04-11-2009, 07:49 AM

The important thing when talking to him is to not make him feel guilty or bad because that won't bring him back to you for sure.

mothernature · 04-11-2009, 09:30 AM

Have you tried smoking him up? Try to just hang out with him without reminding him about the laundry.

my_scatterheart · 04-11-2009, 09:58 AM

How old?

Bearsy · 04-11-2009, 10:39 AM

He's 18 months older than me, he'll be 21 in June.

I actually offered to smoke him up last night and he declined.

I try to hang out with him, I want to be a brother to my brother, but all he ever does is ask me for money when his bank is overdrawn, and complain about "how much a bitch mom is being".

**SageTree** · 04-11-2009, 10:42 AM

Do you know what else might be going on in his life? Is he satisfied with other aspects? Is there a way you can just say, ' I love you man and I feel like we are growing apart. I want to ask if there is a way I can feel more a part of your life? '

It sounds like you miss him? How has he been with the family previously over the years? Is this out of suit for him?

Bearsy · 04-11-2009, 11:01 AM

Idk, he broke up with his long time girlfriend a year ago. And then got back with her, and then broke up, and got back together... and so on. None of us are really sure if they're actually dating... we all just know that she's playing him.

He seems to kind of be stuck in the whole high school was my glory days, kind of mind set.
He was captain of the swim team, and took our school to championships every year, and won all but once. He had hundreds of friends and was popular and all that, so I guess he really misses that.

He's worked at the YMCA for about 4 years now and he's worked his way up to being the full time Aquatics Coordinator(he runs the pool and everything involved with it). But he's still getting paid like $8.45/hour and gets walked all over by the HNIC.

Other than that I really don't know anything about him.

This is kid of new for him. He's always been a little distant, but never overtly, namean? And all of the distance stuff started before the problems with his g/f and his job. So I don't think those caused the shift in his behavior. They maybe increased it though.

**SageTree** · 04-11-2009, 11:14 AM

So he hasn't had alot of family bonding time with you guys then? When I was 21 I had alot going on in life too, and was probably neglectful of family contact too.

Just keep trying to love him and maybe try to tell him you wish you guys had a stronger realationship, because to you it seems, that you've done something to offend or distance him. Keep the focus on your open nonjudging feelings of love for him, that you already have, and off the judgemental you you yous.....this doesn't work nearly as well.

My Mom always said you catch more flies with honey than vinager....I don't know why Mom was always trying to catch flies, because she said this alot

Good luck Bearsy. I hope you get the realationship back to talking terms, or perhaps take the conversation to where he is and edge him out of it over time. Just stay interested in his life as much as you can, with your feelings and health in mind as well.

awwsuga23 · 04-11-2009, 12:07 PM

im having the same prblems with my little sister but shes like 12 and starting the "pre teen" bullshit so i get it. you should just talk to him about it and ask if theres anything bothering him. or if hes just got alot going on. tell him you would like to have a better realtionship with him because you family are the only people who you realy have in life. anyone else can just walk out whenever.

badgoalie85 · 04-11-2009, 12:10 PM

leave him be.

i was like this with my family for years. the only one who's going to be able to finally convince him he's being a prick is himself.

edit: oh and p.s. if he's 21, has a job, and isn't in school, he should move out of your parents house. he'll enjoy life AND his family a lot more if he has a space he can truly call his own.

Bearsy · 04-11-2009, 12:38 PM

He's like 15k in debt or some shit. He's been in 3 car crashes in the past year and wasn't able to work, so he's got tons of credit cards maxed out and in debt. So my mom's letting him live at her house until he gets back on his feet.

badgoalie85 · 04-11-2009, 12:50 PM

^well there you go. the sooner he gets out of the house the better off he'll be.

imo anyway. that's how it worked for me.

**SageTree** · 04-11-2009, 12:55 PM

I was going to comment on that earlier goalie.

I instantly felt better after I had a pad of my own. No doubt that having a simple sense of accomplishment goes a long way. Its work but worth it.

I also wanted to agree to those being good causes for stress as well.

Maybe he feels trapped a little?

Mikey · 04-11-2009, 01:26 PM

I totally agree on the moving out part.
You feel alot better about yourself and become much less of a bitter person. Sense of accomplishment I guess.
I'm 21, and there was a time where I was around 13k in debt (student loans) and credit cards and debts.
I moved out, created a life for myself and still managed to do it all on my own even with the debt.

But then again you can't force any of this on him, let him find his path, and just be nothing but nice and supportive no matter what, and after a while when he catches on that he's got no reasons to be an asshole to you, he'll feel like an asshole and hopefully change.

Best of luck.