a pending realization

[The SARS Volta]

I am 21 years old. I know this is my time for doing my own thing on my own time. However, I don't spend enough time with my family. I haven't done my fair share on this for a while now, and I don't know how to turn back and reintroduce family outings and activities as part of my regular life.

This is partially because I am different from them in beliefs, lifestyle, ethics, etc. although I am always civil toward them. I do the basics such as birthdays and holidays with my family, but I am MIA at a lot of extended-family gatherings.

Of course I feel guilty for being distant and them wanting to know where I am all the time. They care a lot more than a lot of friends I have who aren't front-row in my life, shown to be permanent and reliable through thick-and-thin although not the most outwardly loving and welcoming of families. That's why I initially built a wall around myself from them and it's become far too tall at this point. I feel like a deadbeat family member although I treat them with respect and appreciation the little I do spend time with them.

Is this normal? I've never been particularly close with my family, but now that I have my own shit going on I'm further away than ever. Especially with my mom--my dad had custody of my sister and I when they divorced years ago. She and myself will clash if we spend time together frequently, due to personality differences. This is no valid excuse for me to spend minimal time with her, although we speak on the phone regularly.

I feel as if this is going to be a challenge for me emotionally and mentally and might take some balls and getting used to after some time, and I am too discontent with how closed-off I've gradually grown from them. Everybody has their issues, and we've had beef and issues of betrayal and neglect on both sides--mine and theirs. I need to change, or else one day they will be gone and I will have irreversible regrets as well as missing out on good times with them. It isn't a matter of if I will make different decisions, it's how I'll cope with getting used to it.

Can anyone relate?

[Cerpin Taxt]

It is crazy you mention this realization... I'm 21 and have been thinking about this as well, as recently as an hour ago.

For me it's different because growing up, I was always the youngest of my entire family. Family get togethers always was just about different areas I could play and just enjoy the general atmosphere of things.

Overnight, it seems, I've grown into an adult and everyone else has stayed the same. It's like my role of being a sociable adult seems weird within the family; almost like it doesn't 'fit'. This isn't to say I don't let my family know I love them as they do the same for me, but it just seems different.

But I digress... my involvement with my family is just in a process of shift, just as my role from being 'the kid' to the 'young adult' shifts. I think this guilt is partly due to a realization that your new ideas and concepts of what it means to be close to someone don't match with what they were growing up...what you've essentially built the relationship with your family on.

Although more of an assumption than anything, I think the older members of your family know exactly what you're going through as they very well may have went through it themselves. I believe it's natural when after flying the coop, so to speak, you begin to not only come into your own, but also subconsciously understand the role your family had in helping you get there. Therefore, you begin to reflect on the relationship you have with the people that have always truly mattered in your life, your family, and see the importance of being close with them.

Basically, once the goal of becoming who you are is well underway, you're able to shift focus from yourself to those closer to you.

This is reaaally scattered and i'm sorry for not being more concise, but feel free to pick at what I've said if it has any relevance for you!

[my_scatterheart]

Props on recognizing and taking the initiative.
I've always been good with my family for the most part, as they're all funny as shit, and really one hundred percent where I get my humor from which is pretty much all of me. However, me and moms started to clash a couple years after her piece of shit bf moved in. We were always really close, so it was kind of heart breaking. Shit still isn't the same.
But for a while, I was making a conscious effort. We went to dinner just me and her every Thursday, and it did a lot of good.
Simple shit. Baby steps. But keep at it even when you're hella pissed.
S'worth it

[catastrophe]

I can relate, especially after being able to live on my own for a couple months; the essence of being at home has altered completely. Having said, the people at home I'm referring to are two 80-some year old grandparents. There's never been anything for us to really do together anyway, now that I'm older and they're much older; it makes things way different.

[The SARS Volta]

Thanks up to this point, everything said has been helpful.
I never felt like I had any acceptance, support or encouragement from my family as a youngin--and i didn't get much if any. But now that I'm not dependent upon their approval anymore as a n00b-adult I feel like I should get back on that and start talking to them again. The emotional distance is inconceivable compared to other families.

[Cerpin Taxt]

Sounds completely reasonable to me... it also seems like if you'd like to form some new and much stronger bonds with your family, you're going to have to be ready for some serious discussions.

Maybe perhaps figuring out small ways in which you can bond with your family... and once that foundation is layed out, you can eventually ask about why you were being treated the way you felt you were being treated?

I'm sure having that new foundation of a bond with the family will help them to understand that you aren't looking to start any new problems with them, but genuinely want to connect with them in a way that can only be achieved by reconciling differences you have had in the past.

I don't know enough about your family to give advice over any potential problems with this, but I think it's still a possible route of action for you to consider in the future?

[The SARS Volta]

Funny you mention that, because that serious discussion occurred in an explosive manner this past January. We do not argue much and this was a full-on shitstorm on the basis of bottled-up anger mostly on my part, triggered by an assault bestowed upon me by someone I had never met before. My parents attributed the event to my "having bad judgment" although it was clearly none of my doing--an angry drunk spits in my face out of the blue one night and that's because I have poor reasoning? I blew up because I told them about it thinking they'd be on my side. When all I got was harsh, unfounded criticism I went apeshit.

Everything has been far better with my Dad since, and we came to an understanding. But my mom--more distance. She didn't take what I had to say well, although I tried to put it in more kind words than what my original thoughts were, and reacted with much denial.
The conversation was overheard by people who had insight on it, and they sided with me, but that did not make me feel much better. Even if I don't get her acknowledgment, I got it out.

[Cerpin Taxt]

Since things got worse with your mom, she may very well understand just as clearly, but may be in denial to try and protect herself. The difficult feelings of having a daughter confess the failings (in a sense) of being a mother might be too hard for her to bear. Perhaps some demons of her own prevented her from being the mother she knows she should have been.

If things got better with with your dad after the serious discussion, then he clearly understands where you're coming from, and may be your best bet at getting through to your mom. Keep trying to foster a relationship with both of them but keep in mind that your dad could very well be the key to your mom opening up.

[The SARS Volta]

Nah, they've been divorced a while now. I have to do it myself in some form, but you are correct. She is a successful careerperson and scholar but can be very awkward and emotionally alienated. She does not open up, which is why at times, I don't think much of her. But her intentions are good, and when she makes another muted effort to reach out to me, I have to act differently not to reject her subtle attempts.

[Cerpin Taxt]

Sounds like you've got everything necessary to make things happen. Acting differently in not rejecting those attempts may be what gets the ball rolling... you say yourself those intentions are good. As long as hers are good and yours are just the same, you both may very well be capable of getting on the same level in a way that allows you two to connect.

Funny, your description of your mother sounds like a roomate I currently have... and if they are anything alike, I understand how utterly frustrating and annoying it can be at times. Deep breaths and patience...

It's very honorable to do what you're doing, so try not to let the setbacks get to you! I hope everything eventually works out for you and it's all worth more than you ever thought possible

[Aurora]

Yes I can relate. I'm 27 and far as fuck from my parents, doin' my own shit. i'd elaborate but im not sober at all so maybe some other time if you want. didn't read much of this thread either so if you are satisfied by the answers then woooo, go yahooka!

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

lol this is funny i feel very similar.

i've decided ignorance is bliss though.

[reverie]

All young adults experiencing the same thing on this board? I suppose leaving the nest is one of those "milestones", one where when you look back the view is entirely different from when you first were looking out.



I can definitely relate Sars. I have been out of the house for quite a while now, my living situation has never been stable for as long as I can remember. When I left home I was really young, and I never felt like I closed the appropriate chapters before venturing out. Because of this I had traveled back and forth across the country yearly as I tried to ease my indecision.

It's a really hard process to go through. Especially if you had rocky relationships at home, there's a sense of regret that's overwhelming. You are basically a different person from who you were when you established your relationships with these people. Now... at a time in your life when you're expected to kinda boot these people out of your daily life, you dont feel as if the relationships are accurate or fair to who you are now. And in their minds you are still the same person. How they treat you may then hold you back from feeling like progress is possible. Sometimes it really never leaves, a lot of parents think their offspring are eternally children. I wish that were the case.

I can't really give you concrete and solid advice as I am still going through this in my own life. All I can tell you what I've done to ease my own mind and close the chapters I feel that need closing before I can feel confident in my decisions as a young adult. I set out a time period, which I'm nearing the end of right now, to engage in my "past life" (aka life before moving out). Spending time with the family as much as possible (I actually came back home for a while to do this). And I am acting in according to how I want to set off my relationship with my family..Leaving room for no regrets by acting and relating with these people how I want to now as an adult. I am also establishing what it is about this environment and these people who made me who I am. How I can keep growing from the benefits of these things and how I can change the negative influences of those things.

In this process I think its important to establish your values as a person, so you can really identify just what it is you cherish about your family and home life so you can incorporate them in your "new life". Take the time to meditate on saying goodbye to the life and the things you've grown so accustomed and conditioned to. Try visualizing the changes your making as a celebration of you coming into your own. Liberation, freedom, confidence.

Those two things have probably helped me the most, as it is more of an inner struggle for me than anything else... so changing my perspective has definitely had the most impact . You begin to realize that you have so much influence at this point in your life right now, that change is possible and that knowing yourself is the most powerful tool you can be equipped with. The sense of empowerment that you get from these personal "epiphanies" are irreplaceable.


Much love girl, and all the best.

[Dezzy]

I have never gotten the whole not getting along with your parents thing. Granted im 23 and still live at home partially because I dont know anything else and partially for financial reasons not because lack of money but for years i was a junkie and had close to a 100grand in bills that are paid off for the most part. Even when i do move out i cant ever imagine moving far away from my family for the simple fact that they made me the person I am and have done more for me then anybody could ever do.

[Mercury]

My family meets at my grandmas every Sunday morning for breakfast. I don't always look forward to it, unless I'm really hungry, but I'm usually glad I went because I never have the feeling that I'm isolating myself from the rest of my family. Also, it's all the time we seem to need to discuss our family affairs and offer help to eachother if needed. The rest of the week we all do our own thing seperately.