addiction rant

[Burner of trees]

probably should put this in the addiction forum but meh i'd like more people to see it for teh mega-support. so anyways for the last 3 or so years i've gotten quite deep into the opiates and at the beginning it was all swell because well shit, 20mgs of hyrdocodone could get me off for very cheap. now years later i need atleast 140mgs of oxy just to feel normal..

a month ago, i decided i need to quit. i've tried it a few times but was never all that serious about it, but considering the fact my life is pretty much in the same state as it was 3 years ago it really dawned upon me i absolutely HAVE to quit or everything i ever wanted as a person could be placed in jeopardy. the month was hard as i'm sure many of you know..many days were spent thinking about hitting opiates from the back, but somehow i did without them...until today that is. some oxymorphone was around, and being the opie-head i am i just couldn't say no to banging such a wonderful synthesized piece of heaven ...so now here i am right back where i started, kind of.

i just don't really know what to think or say anymore, only a few of my friends understand the severity of the situation and i can't help but feel judged by some of the ones who don't. just recently i have moved in with two good friends of mine who let me stay here rent-free for now, and despite me trying to hide my actions today they found out and now i just hang my head in shame.

i owe two of my dealers money and dont have the funds to pay them back. one has the potential to kill me i believe..

heres the kicker: ive only done herion a couple time, and thankfully i dont have a real solid connect but i know if that was the case it i'd only be worse,,,shit i just don't know what to do anymore. no money, no job as of now, not much support, bills, horrible withdrawls, pretty much shitiness in most faccets of life..back when i started fucking with this shit i always repeated to myself that i basically was not dumb enough to get addicted...damn i couldn't have been more ignorant if i tried. to anyone reading this who hasn't really dabbled with other drugs please STAY THE FUCK AWAY!!

sorry for the general length & it being all over the place but i just needed to get this off my chest, and i know a lot of you guys can definately raise my spirits and whatnot. thanks again guys n u can haz cheeseburg now. excuse me while i get some morphones ready / ?

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

shit bro. I dunno how long you were off the opiates for, but either way, I think that it's pretty common for people to relapse on the "road to recovery", hell, it probably verges on being "normal". I wouldn't be too worried about slipping up w/ the oxymorphone, but I think it's important that you do some introspection as to why you did that, how it made you feel, how you feel about continuing your use of opiates after this slip up etc.

I mean really, I think it's possible for us to even trick ourselves into thinking we're ready to give something up when we're not. But I digress.

It's pretty damned scary when you get into spots with sketchy people (eg. drug dealers). I mean, you probably know this, but if you're up front and don't duck theze niggaz they'll be alot happier with you than if you "Casper" (the unfriendly ghost) them. There ought to be some sort of employment program or something funded by the government to help people find jobs in your area... seek that shit out. Pounding the pavement for a job ought to also keep your mind off of opiates.

I dunno. Good luck though dude. Addiction is some bullshit.

[my_scatterheart]

Put your best foot forward and keep trying. It's not lost until you sit on the couch and quit the good fight. Truth is, you need to do it. The harder truth is that no one can help you get there but you. Prepare yourself for what's ahead and get steppin. It's a long winding road, but we'd all rather you be around to trek it than not. Believe.

PS, seriously, quit that shit. It'll ruin you so completely

[dubtrice]

its hard man, I know what you mean... to fight for a long time staying clean, then fuck it all up with one hit and feel like you're back at square one. It feels horrible, it makes you feel worthless.

You feel like shit and you know you dont need it, but when that money comes you're happy again and you want to do it "just one more time" and the cycle continues..

But if you're looking to quit, looking for help, then you're already past square one, you know what you need to do, just need to figure out how to do it.

Gotta make a commitment, they say the first two months are the hardest, they aint lyin. Look at your life man, no money, no job, almost no home; the only thing thats made it like this is the drug.

Gotta make a serious commitment, for your life man, pay up your debts, pay the dealers and tell em not to sell you any more shit, you're done. Gather up the paraphernalia, anything that reminds you of that shit and throw it away.. FAR away... delete the dealers numbers, forget about them.. It may seem rough, but you know its what needs to be done.. Make a plan for yourself, what do you want to do in life, seriously? Go to College? Work forever?

Not a clue what you want to do? Talk to a recruiter from any branch.. Chances are they've seen many people in the same situation you are in, they will do whatever they can to make sure you stay clean and follow through with your commitments; you'll be clean and have a solid, good paying job for the next 3 or 6 years, money for college and experience that will look great on your resume.

Im speaking from experience, drugs are fucked, something you will always regret as long as you keep doing them, but its never too late to quit, now is the best time. Most important, remember that even though it may feel like it, youre not alone, a lot of people go through this shit and you can be one of the many who beat this shit.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

yeah as above, i was leading up in my post to saying that you're not really back at square one, it's important not to brush aside the progress you've made thus far.


also on a probably unrelated note, I've never looked at the period (of about a year) where I was hxc addicted to cockaine (most of a ball per day, every day) as being a "negative" period in my life. I mean all the pissed away cash made paying bills and eating (..) pretty difficult, all the pissed away relationships/friendships, etc. In spite of all that I snorted away, I still look upon it as a positive part of my life. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, so I basically think of my (past?) addiction as a "crash course" in life lessons.

food for thought I guess.

again, good luck. hope things start to brighten up for you a bit soon.

[Burner of trees]

thanks guys i truly appreciate the input i knew i could count on youall to make my dick hard . i'll make sure to read this thread again tomorrow as my comprehension skills will no doubt be active and ready to soak up all your advice despite how negligent some may be. see: find heroin dealer and kill.

[Bad dog]

part of the way that I kicked it was by doing intensive physical work for half a year.
By building up the body you get a better balance and find it easier to sleep.
I used to deprive myself of sleep as well, after 24hours awake, you start feeling high naturally.

Listen dude. It's a long proccess. You wion't be able to stop overnight.

It will take you a few years of gradual reduction, quitting, relapsing and quitting again.
But if you put your mind to it, it can be done.

I couldn't imagine wanting to live a life without opium. Now (11years clean) I couldn't imagine using it again.
However, I still know who I am and wouldn't put myself near any temptation. Once a junkie always a junkie. But you can become a clean junkie.

Try to rediscover sex, it helps a lot.

[Geeno]

if relapses werent common it wouldnt have its own word.

youre doing the right thing

maybe ask your parents for help

[tedkennedy]

im sorry you are going through rough times.

i think you need to ask yourself why are you addicted to drugs. why did you get into drugs in the first place, are you depressed? lonely? frustrated by your life? and try to address these problems because drug use is usually a symptom of a deeper problem.

i really sympathize with you and you are a decent person. you gotta stop doing drugs man for your own good if you want a future. its ok to dabble but when your admittedly out of control you need to stop yourself. if you have to, get help, but in most cases its just a matter of going cold turkey, bearing through a week of shitty withdrawals and then trying to rebuild your life in a positive way so you dont feel the need to use drugs.

once you are addicted to opiates it loses its luster in my opinion. its no longer about having fun instead its about just isolating yourself in a very sad lonely world. dont get me wrong i am sad and lonely to begin with but drugs will never be a solution because its just entering a fake temporary state of mind that always ends in a worse situation than when you began.

its up to you to want to stop so i suppose thats your decision, but for your own good and just for the sake of at least lowering your tolerance i suggest you take a break. and then when your tolerance goes down you can go back to getting high.

be safe, dont become the next guy on yahooka to overdose on opiates

[msicidron]

try to really feel the good feelings of doing something like this. once you learn to find a similar pleasure in self discipline to that which you feel when you get high again (not the high but the satisfaction in getting your fix) it will be a lot easier to keep your spirits up through the more trying moments.

for example, sometimes you dont feel like getting off your ass and getting some exercise, but if you find as much or more joy in the way your body feels when you get the blood really flowin (stay clean) as you do in sitting on your lazy ass (relapsing), it aint so hard.

[Stoney]

Dude you've been doing so good. I'm proud of you. Its a hard habit to kick and more often than not you never have enough people that see your struggle and how hard you work to stay clean that will say I'm proud of you. Even after a relapse I'm still proud of you. Relapsing is not using. If you are relapsing it means you're still trying to quit. Its not easy. Like others have said you need to get rid of everything that makes you want the drug, get rid of everything you do the drugs with, and get rid of everyone who knows where to get the drugs. And hun remember that you're not the only one who has been through this. If you need support reach out and talk to someone before you decide to do the drugs again.

[Xil]

good luck man.just take it as a lesson learned and continue on from here, with more experience to guid you down the right road.

[turmaline]

all i can say is don't depend on your friends to save you. I'm sorry you have to do these things to feel normal....I struggle with alcohol myself. but what you're doing I think would take much more work and love and caring and understanding to get through. When you start to take the steps to get through it...you know where I am.


lotsa love eh.

[toastyroach]

the most important thing to do is start feeling better about / caring about yourself again. how many junkies you know can look in the mirror and smile knowing the kind of person that they are? i bet you've done some grimey ass shit you aren't proud of to be able to support a habit that bad... just by quitting a lone will be a huge push in the right direction... exercise & sex & meeting women helps a lot.. and the biggest key is to *not* put yourself around it... if all your friends are junkies, you're better off having no friends, and you will realize that eventually one day if you haven't already. get rid of them, turn your phone off for a few days if you have to, and for the love of god get some suboxone, percs might even help a lot too...

the key here is to man up and stop being a vagina it happens to all of us. once you get past the wd and mental addiction, it will get easy and you won't even think about it anymore. don't let this become your weakness... never get too comfortable because you aren't like normal people, you're a junkie and you can't just do it 'once in a while', or 'just this one time'.. never forget using today means using tommorow, waking up sober with nothing to show for it.

you realize my car payment + insurance is cheaper then doing just a single blue (20$) a day??? and i have a pretty nice car and expensive fuckin insurance.. you gotta look at it that way too... shiiiit, 140 mgs a day?? isn't that bad compared to many people, but fuck man... that's like being able to go out every day and buy a fly new outfit.. or the car payment on a 80,000$ benz... do the math bro, doing pills is fn disguting

[dubtrice]

hows it coming along man?

[tedkennedy]

so wut happened? hope you are doing well bot.

[AnimalLover420]

Bot, you can do it babe. I know it's very hard, but you're a smart guy. The next time you start feeling the urge, reason yourself out of it. I know that sounds simplistic, but the mind really is capable of extraordinary things when you completely commit to something. Just gather up every once of willpower you have and make that shit work for you.

[aft3rsh0kk]

bot, homie, i know what its like when your in that situation and you cant say no.

just try not to be put in that situation again, i know its hard, to just cut off all ppl you bang with, but if its around the temptation may be to great.

dont worry about losing your friends, keep the ones that understand, and let them help you through it.

good luck bro,