What is wrong with me?

[SageTree]

Hope you are feeling well today Al-Hyper

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

Hope you are feeling well today Al-Hyper

moderately better.
to answer your other post, yes i agree and my definiton of lonely WAS basically "not having people to fsck". guess that has changed.

namaste.

[SageTree]

And you feel lonely in a new way now? The change in perception was the shaking part?

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better alittle, and fyi, I'll be around the rest of the nite.

My offer of using an instant messanger still stands if you'd like.

Other wise we can banter here if that is better.

That is if you have anything you'd like to talk about ofcourse.

Thinking loving kindness over the rockies to the praries,
Sage

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

i think that just my definition of loneliness has changed. where i would have been content with one night stands i guess i 'yearn' for more. more of a real relationship.

[Cerebro]

so, this is still going on then

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

yeah i still feel like shit.

she left me a voicemail message with a number to call but no answer as of yet.

but i still feel like shit.

[Cerebro]

what do you want to do about it?

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

i dunno, i'm lost.

its like a part of me knows it'll just be easier/better to move on but another probably bigger part of me wants to.. make that oh so cliche romantic gesture to try and get her back.

:\

[Cerebro]

all i'd suggest is to act with open honesty
dont try to play her
maybe you could just let her know that you have become aware that she meant more to you than you realised, that might be enough
i know that it worked well for both me and an old gf
i told her that i wished i'd hit that
she was pleased
i dont live with regrets about that one anymore

[Mydriasis]

No time to waste on asking yourself whats wrong.
You need to ask yourself what is, was, or would be right!

I find people often look for the problem before they look for the answer. In a logical scenario this is the best approach(Men tend to be more logical IMO). But in a scenario of the emotions this can lead to a pitty pit-fall(not to say that's your case, but it's certainly happened to me).

What I would reccomend is not focusing on what went wrong, what you could have done, etc. What I would focus on is what was right, what good happened, why.

Sometimes people look back at their ex's during times of loneliness and hard-ship. I think they do this because they just want to "go back", to when things were "good". This is achievable and happens sometimes, however, when you "go back" you have to realize memories cannot come twice. You cannot recreate the past, and re-enactments are meant for once a year not a whole year.

So find what let's you be the normal you, what keeps you going, what good influences you. Engolf your mind with these ideas and things. Find your edges before you try to fit yourself back into the puzzle of love. If your nodes still fits into her heart then by god go for it, by whatever means feasible. If you figure out something more about yourself, go out and find someone else who makes you feel the way you should.

But most of all, be real, with yourself. The realer you keep yourself the better things come to you. If your gonna put up a false gate at any moment, expect to have unwanted key's prying at your handle. Ya dig?

Kinda went all over the place with that, but hopefully it helped to some degree.

[Legen...dary!]

I'm kinda in the same position with one of my best friends... we've been tight since high school, but all throughout I had feelings for her and they came to a head around senior year when I realized I was pretty much in love with her.

After that year ended though we don't get to see each other much, but we keep in contact through Facebook and texts all the time.

But anytime I see her the feelings come rushing back and just this last week I saw her for the first time in ~6 months and when we hugged I just didn't want to let go. I realized how much I missed her and loved being around her.

I know it's cliche to quote songs to explain your feelings but the song "You Never Knew" by Immortal Technique(minus the HIV part) is exactly how I feel about this girl. I could care less about a physical relationship (although it'd be fine with me, of course) but I just want to spend all my time with her. I'm so much more attracted to her mind than I am to her body. But the fact that she's a fox is a positive(or maybe a negative, I don't know)

It really sucks, man... I know exactly how you feel. Can't really give you any advice either cause I'm in the boat with you.

[SageTree]

No time to waste on asking yourself whats wrong.
You need to ask yourself what is, was, or would be right!

I find people often look for the problem before they look for the answer.

What I would reccomend is not focusing on what went wrong, what you could have done, etc. What I would focus on is what was right, what good happened, why.

Sometimes people look back at their ex's during times of loneliness and hard-ship. I think they do this because they just want to "go back", to when things were "good". This is achievable and happens sometimes, however, when you "go back" you have to realize memories cannot come twice. You cannot recreate the past, and re-enactments are meant for once a year not a whole year.

So find what let's you be the normal you, what keeps you going, what good influences you. Engolf your mind with these ideas and things. Find your edges before you try to fit yourself back into the puzzle of love. If your nodes still fits into her heart then by god go for it, by whatever means feasible. If you figure out something more about yourself, go out and find someone else who makes you feel the way you should.

But most of all, be real, with yourself. The realer you keep yourself the better things come to you. If your gonna put up a false gate at any moment, expect to have unwanted key's prying at your handle. Ya dig?

This is a nice post. I especially like the paragraph after the bolded lines. Thanks for the reply Mydriasis, I believe you are an awesome new member. Keep the good vibes flowing.

I agree that taking a proactive positive coarse of action is what is going to clear things up for you Al. I hope that you get ahold of her and get to talk because I feel that right now there is alot of anxiety of what might be, try not to dwell in that place of uncertainty and be proud of the fact that you are trying to get ahold of her to talk.

take care and talk with you soon,
Sage

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

so um i finally connected with her tonight via phone. I was walking to the beer store after my second shift at teh new job (yay! 10 bones an hour to stand around and do nothing and smoke indoors) and on the way she called me. We talked for about 15 minutes about some pretty meaningless shit (she couldn't believe that I was already 20, "five minutes ago you were only 18"). She said she had to go because she was about to pass out from working a double.

Tommorow I plan to tell her about the feelings I had/have for her (haven't decided on the tense to use with that one). Er. I feel 100000x better having just heard her voice, hearing her laugh.

I unno, but the universe seems to have balanced itself out.

Interestingly 10 minutes after I sent her a message on facebook which was essentially a very polite "fuck off", she tried to call me. I missed the call, but turns out she hasn't been on the computer in the last 2 weeks. <- these type of things are not uncommon between us.

She finished one of my sentences on the phone while I was talking to her. It kind of hurts that I let her slip away on me, but I am acutely aware that I could not have satisfied her emotionally in a relationship. Despite the fact that we both possess minds which seem to be infinitely older than our earthly vessels, I understand that she needs someone older in a relationship.

I feel I am beginning to put these feelings to bed, in a sense.

All is right with the world again, I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

[SageTree]

It kind of hurts that I let her slip away on me, but I am acutely aware that I could not have satisfied her emotionally in a relationship. Despite the fact that we both possess minds which seem to be infinitely older than our earthly vessels, I understand that she needs someone older in a relationship.

Because your best wasn't 'good enough' doesn't make you wrong for being yourself or her for knowing what she'd like in a partner. This doesn't demean anything you said, or I hope it doesn't I only mean to say, you shouldn't feel to blame or not good enough. Things go how they should and will.

You had a heavy spell, where you thought about alot of other stuff too. Now you feel alot better. It's the ebb and flow of life and how we learn and maneuver ,by living it, that gets us through.

It's often easier to look back and see this, I wish you the peace of insight more deeply, and soon.

I'm glad you are feeling lighter and hope you just keep getting that bounce in your step back more and more, even if it is that little gangsta walk you do



jk
Sage

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

salaam 'alaykum man.

[SageTree]

wa `Alaykum As-Salaam

[mothernature]

I'm glad you're felling better too. At least, I think you're feeling better! It's good you talked to her. Even if it was just chit-chat.

I think it wise to see things as they are. That doesn't mean you have to totally give up hope. Just keep it in check.

I would strive for a friendship, if that wouldn't be too painful. Later, when you are older, then who knows. You might be 'old enough' for her then.

You might just see you are trying to recapture a past that isn't real anymore. It's been 2 years....she may have changed (into someone you don't even like).

There is alot of good wisdom in this thread.

[SageTree]

Well spoken MN, I believe you hit it on the head with the 'You might just see' sentence.

I think the larger issue here my Brother is a connection you are seeking. She is likely a comfortable way to hold on. Talking with her, should only do good for you, in either feeling connected, or better being able to look at it from with it.

Keep us posted Brother, we care, we do we do.

Metta
Sage

[Mikey]

i just read the whole thread, and that's some pretty intense shit man, but i'm really glad that you feel better now..especially the comment you made about 'the weight of the world off your shoulders' thats good, you deserve that.

i hope everything pans out well for you man.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

Yes hopefully. Thanks to everyone who took a moment and replied to this.

it means alot.