What is wrong with me?

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

So I had this really strange dream last night: Me and all teh friendz were at the bar, blah blah blah the usual fucked up dream shit. So I'm sitting up on a barstool, swivel a 180 and bam, right in my dream I seen this girl (I've mentioned her before in a G&S thread, gettin married) I haven't even had contact with for like 7 months now. I had pretty much put her out of my mind (refer to said thread) up until this dream.

So in the dream I were like "wtf?!" and all of a sudden I look around (still dreaming) and we're sitting in this field. This field where we used to sit IRL and just talk and shit. I mean I think I've said things to her, in that field (IRL) that have honestly never left my lips before. Shit even the therapist doesn't know. w/e.

So I wake up. With this awful "dreading" feeling in my chest, and tears in my eyes. It's been.. too long for me to remember the last time I cried (it's not something that I normally do, I've sliced fingertips off, cut through the bones in my hand etc. never cried).

I got up and realized I had smoked my last cigarettes last night. I basically cried again. No. I cried again.

Normally I might be a little depressed from time to time, but I'll be able to function through the depression (as a matter of fact functioning usually helps me get over bouts of depression). However today, I was so depressed and anxious that it took several hours to work up the courage to even leave the crib. The anxiety once I got outside was even worse.


But I got my cigarettes.

... wtf is wrong with me?

(I just had to write this sorta'... I don't have the deniro to see a therapist anymore so I had to get it off my chest - feel free to speculate on what's going on in my head..)

[xMSx]

Did something happen that may have sparked a memory of this girl? Did you used to smoke cigarettes with her? I don't know about this past relationship was all about, but perhaps something happened in your day that brought a glimpse of her. It sounds like you still have strong feelings for this girl, maybe you miss the old days in the fields...Nothing is wrong with you, you are just painfully reminiscing.

Let me know if i can help.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

well. I'm a fairly young man, and to be honest while I have been in a serious relationship or two, the love I've given to women has been purely physical. "notches in the bedpost" if you will.

but. I think that she's one of the only people I've ever loved simply for who they are, not what's between their legs. up until today I had thought I quelled any initial romantic notions I had about her, and even moreso when she got engaged.

perhaps I was only tricking myself into thinking this.

I don't love my parents (long story). I don't love my family. I don't love my friends. I like my parents, family and friends. But I've never had a connection with anyone as deep as that between her and me (this seems to have been a mutual feeling, I felt she was sincere in agreeing on it).

*sigh*

[Cerebro]

the lack of courage to get out the door indicates a fear of the present; perhaps you view her, and her marriage, as an example of someone changing their life.
A possible way for you to escape the present.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

A possible way for you to escape the present.

do you mean that my want to stay in the house is a possible way for me to escape the present?

[Cerebro]

no, staying home is an attempt to avoid the present
getting married and moving away would be a possible way of escaping

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

I won't lie; you lost me on that one.

[AfroHorse]

Having you been getting particularly fucked up on strong stuff regularly recently? Doing that can result in having weird dreams

Might be best to not beat yourself up over it, think positive

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

nah i've been mellowing out the last few months actually, just some drinking and a mild amount of pot.

[mothernature]

Hi bot,

It seems to me you're lonely. You're tired of the bar scene and want more of what you had when you and the girl were friends.

I didn't read the other thread about her (link?). Is there any reason you can't hang out with her now? Her being engaged shouldn't interfere with a friendship.

What puzzles me more, is you say you like your friends and family, but don't love them. I don't understand this. It's usually the other way around.

Let me know if I can help.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

I think I'm beginning to see more and more the "error of my ways". I dunno if a mod would be so kind as to revive the thread... I believe it was the very last one that I made in G&S, it seems to have disappeared in the great thread loss of '09.

There's no real reason that I can't hang out with her other than I'm presently unaware of her schedule (last I heard she was going back to get her hs diploma and then to post-secondary education).

I dunno. I have some sort of strange anxiety surrounding reconnecting with people (as an example, I once did not talk to my biological mother for 6 months, upon being urged to reconnect with her by my therapist, I was unable to sleep for a couple days and threw up probably 9 or 10 times during those two days).

My parents are more like normal people more than loved ones, if that makes sense to you.. Like new people that you've met: you can't quite invest all your trust in them yet.. yadda yadda. It's like they're all stuck in the realm of new acquaintances. If that makes any sense.

I suppose I could be lonely, though I suppose this is making me reconsider what I would define as lonely (insert shallow definition of loneliness here).

[SageTree]

Hi Ali,

I just want to say I love you man, and what you are experiencing is okay, and there is nothing wrong with you. Things might not feel right, but there is no 'normal' way to express life. If more people opened up about what was really weighing on their hearts and mind we all might feel alittle better about our oddities.

What you are feeling is ok.

A few questions:

What do YOU think the dream meant?
How many times have you had similiar feelings?
Did your friendship go sour with her?
I know you are struggling with not smoking as well, atleast you were, does that weigh on you at all? I remember you saying you pretty much HAVE to quit to live. That has to be hard to consider.
What was the main 'issue' for you in theropy?

As always, You can PM me and we can talk there. My wife tells me I am a natural counseler and she IS actually a counseler, of whom I consult and bounce ideas with about you all on Yahooka, just to reflect what I want to say and see if she has anything to add.

So PLEASE feel free to open up to me deeply. You, and you all, always have the deepest attention of my heart. I would like to talk with you if you'd like. This is the closest I can help you personally to getting 'into' theropy.

Also I used Aim Msn Yahoo and Skype, for a variety of reason I have so many. Mostly to talk to my family here is why I opted to sign up for 2 of them. I really care man. Truely honestly. While I can't perhaps do something now for you, this second, today while I'm at work, when I'm walking around listening to my breath and feeling the touch of life, I will focus on Loving Kindness and You, as my working, not walking , meditation.

Perhaps you would do well to try to find a quiet place to sit, read your Gita or something calming for while and then just try to sit and 'watch' the breath for a while and see if anything insightful, thought wise, passes through your mind while you are feeling the cool calming air pass over your top lip and past the tip of your nose.

Much much Metta,

SageTree

[SageTree]

Also I'll bump that thread back into there if I find it.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

What do YOU think the dream meant?
How many times have you had similiar feelings?
Did your friendship go sour with her?
I know you are struggling with not smoking as well, atleast you were, does that weigh on you at all? I remember you saying you pretty much HAVE to quit to live. That has to be hard to consider.
What was the main 'issue' for you in theropy?

My friend sage: I was hoping you'd come and ask the hard questions.

I think that the dream (as much as I hate to admit) "means" or maybe more liek "hints at" the fact that I have unresolved feelings. In so far as how to resolve these feelings, I dunno. I also came to the odd conclusion today that this was some form of lucid dream, as though I had willed her to appear at the bar, in my dream. I don't know why/how that occured to me (been sober for a day or two now)..

How many times do I have similar feelings for her or similar feelings for anyone at all? I'll base my answer off of the former rather than the latter (that being the first, not the second, if my memory serves me correctly). I get "pangs" (like hunger pangs) for her every so often. Sometimes I'll see a girl who looks similar on tv, or in real life, and it's like her face is superimposed upon theirs- in my minds eye at least. Other times I'll find myself repeating something that she's said in my mind. It's not often, but often enough: maybe once a week or so (in the 7 months since we've been apart).

I wouldn't say the friendship went sour, not that I'm aware of anyhow. The last contact I had with her was going out for coffee (something I'd never done with anyone before her) and just talking. She had offered to erm.. beat the shit out of a girl who had broken up with me recently (and beat the shit out of anyone she could, she's some kind of crazy martial artist. she used to toss me around all the time when we were drunk, it was funny because she's a purdy little girl and I'm a big lank.)

Yes to the smoking thing, it weighs on me I guess. In the sense that I'm aware of the fact that I am "ending myself" prematurely. But to be frank I'm fine with that. Honestly the luck that I've had, ever since I've been cognizant of my luck anyways, has been pretty shitty. My life seems to be set on repeat: something wicked happens, life is awesome for about a week, the something wicked is either taken away or in some way damaged or tarnished and then I'm moody and depressed for x amount of days/weeks/months/years.

I will answer the question about therapy with as little detail as possible, because this post is long enough already.

Essentially, I was raised for the first 3 years of my life by my bio mother, who has been an alcoholic I gather for most of her adult life (lucky I didn't "get" fetal alcohol syndrome but hey). To give you insight into the type of person she is: she didn't quit drinking or smoking while she was pregnant. (my parents weren't ever together)

Yadda yadda, my dad goes on an experimental treatment for some health bullshit, the treatment causes him to compulsively gamble my post secondary education money, all his property and all his life savings away. In addition his partner, my step mom, decides that that gives her carte-blanche to do exactly the same. It is at this time that my father begrudgingly gives me back to my mom. I think he knew even back then that this was bad, but...

Yadda yadda, My step mom and pops split up, it was a messy divorce. It's around this time that I really start acting out in highschool, going to school on various illegal perscription pills acid xtc etc whatever just to forget about how fucked up everything is.

Yadda yadda, fast foreward a year or two and my mother and her boyfriend can barely handle me (I was such an awful child; I sat in my room all day getting high, and taking food when nobody was looking because I was made to feel that the groceries were not bought for me.... .... ...). So my moms boyfriend takes it upon himself to rectify the situation with his fists and verbal abuse, and my mother finds it rather appropriate to sit off to the side, witnessing everything, and saying nothing other than the same old "I'm the victim here, why do i need to live with this fighting" shit. never mind standing up for her only flesh and blood.

So basically I moved the fuck out and life has been marginally better since. Been 3 years now but. Life is fucked up.

sorry for the length of the post, here's a kitty on astroturf:

[SageTree]

Read it and going to work. just fyi.

[al-Mu'akhkhir]

i'll look at the kitty and await your response...

[my_scatterheart]

Your final hurrah to something lost.
Not uncommon, in my experience.

[SageTree]

Thanks for the response, the length was of no concern, look at what I usually type out. I don't give it without expecting to receive it. Well detailed is good for me. Thanks for sharing I didn't mean for it to make you ruminate about bad things, just wanted to get some back ground.

The heavy chest sounds like classic anxiety for sure. About what I'm not sure, but this is what it sounds like to me. If it prosists get it checked out.

My other thought is that you really care for this girl because she was someone that was easy to give you trust to and be honest with, this certainly give way to blossoming love, passionate or otherwise. It doesn't sound like you have had alot of chances to learn trusting realationships early in life and I'm sure that still effects you, thusly why this girl means so much.

You said you felt lonely and that you didn't feel love for alot of realationships you have. I believe that is what could be at the core over all. Would you agree? Because it's hard when you don't feel like you are sharing life, friends or anyone.

What does lonely mean to you? And What was the feeling when you didn't want to go outside and fear reconnection, what was running through the mind? Think feelings here.
I also see you mentioned that you 'see the error of your ways' what do you mean by that?

I'll be back on here tomorrow morning at 5-6am BC time, so I'll look for your response.

In the mean time, try to get out and do something for yourself, take a nice walk, draw how you are feeling or write a letter to the hurt/depressed person within and tell them how you wish they would feel better. Sounds crazy, but trust me.

Also, can you call this girl? If you think it will help to call her and if you really feel like you trust her, tell her what weighs on your mind man. Unless it is more confusing, she really sounds like THE person you have connected with emotionally.

Take care man and just think about deep breaths. Don't be hard on yourself, life is an ever changing form, and sometimes when it my hardest moments, my greatest triumphs have come. I surely wouldn't be who I was today without loss, 'failure', and more trial and error than I can say.

I love you man. I really wish for you to be happy. And thanks for trusting me and the rest of us to help. We wouldn't reply if we didn't care.

Patience and Compassion to you,

Sageji

[myxomatosis]

Dreams like that are one of the best examples of a blessing and a curse I've found.

[xMSx]

well. I'm a fairly young man, and to be honest while I have been in a serious relationship or two, the love I've given to women has been purely physical. "notches in the bedpost" if you will.

but. I think that she's one of the only people I've ever loved simply for who they are, not what's between their legs. up until today I had thought I quelled any initial romantic notions I had about her, and even moreso when she got engaged.

perhaps I was only tricking myself into thinking this.

I don't love my parents (long story). I don't love my family. I don't love my friends. I like my parents, family and friends. But I've never had a connection with anyone as deep as that between her and me (this seems to have been a mutual feeling, I felt she was sincere in agreeing on it).

*sigh*

It sucks losing someone you connect to on an emotional level. Perhaps this "notch on the bedpost" complex was destroyed by this one that got away, and when she did get away, it hurt you because of your strong emotional ties