Why do I keep falling into the same patterns of behavior?

Dr. Drew · 09-02-2009, 10:15 PM

This is one of the few threads I have ever made in G&S; I usually don't like telling people how I feel, especially when shit is going bad...

I am wondering why I keep doing the same destructive shit, even when I know it's wrong and making my future seem dismal.

In january 08 I started doing a bunch of tar (H), and blow when I couldn't get tar. I had a job, but spent all of my money on tar and ended up owing people money..
I started going to outpatient rehab in order to help my court case (marijuana possesion and paraphenilia). After a while I bought into what they were teaching and got clean for a short while, my life seemed to get better, albeit boring.
After a while, I started smoking bud again, then started doing tar and blow again. Lost my job, due to an unrelated reason.
So I started pawning my shit, and some of my mom's shit (that I hoped she wouldn't miss(which I feel horrible about)). When I ran out of shit to pawn, besides really valuable shit, I started stealing dvd's and such to sell back to the used disc store tp get tar. At the time all of this was going on, I knew I was in the wrong, but I would get impulses to do it, and give in.

Gained and lost a couple more jobs, ended up getting another possesion and para ticket meanwhile. Got caught stealing from a store, and a couple weeks later stealing money from work. During this time I couldn't find tar for a while so I was doing a lot of benzo's and shit..

My mom got fed up with my shit and sent me to live with my dad, very far away. This worked at well, because I knew noone where my dad lives. Was going to N/A meetings (which were ok, but boring, hard for me to get into, but I didn't try that hard), and was clean for about 8 months.. Minus smoking bud here and there. Eventually I made friends and found connects for bud, started smoking all the time. Stopped going to meetings because I kept myself busy with school, and had decent friends to chill with and just smoke weed.

A few months later I met kids who could get boy, I told myself I was just going to try it out once in a while because I had never done powder H (which was retarded). Eventually I started doing more and more H, then started stealing shit again to buy it. Got in trouble again stealing my moms hydrocodones that she didn't need anymore while on vacation. She caught me and realized that a necklace was missing that I had taken a long time ago. Me and her had a falling out; today I finally confessed and apologized to her.

So here I am; doing H again, stealing shit so I can afford it, did blow tonight because I couldn't get H...
I tried to resist the temptation to do all of this today, but I gave in.

I wish that I could just get a job and a girlfriend, and make school my top priority again(made 3.5 last spring).
But I fear that I will just spend all the money that I earn on drugs (again), lie to a girlfriend (like my past girl), and let school start slipping.

I'm gonna go to an N/A meeting on Friday, but I don't think that will help much... I'm just tired of repeating the same stupid cycle.

Sorry that this post was very long and not very coherent, I just needed to get that all out. I need to try to find a way to stop doing this.

stonerkid · 09-02-2009, 10:22 PM

i feel really bad for you and hope you can activate the inner strength inside of you to do what you know is right for your self.

Mydriasis · 09-02-2009, 11:33 PM

You made a big step already whether you believe it or not buddy. Your realizing the patterns that you induce in your life when you lose your gaurd.

Obviously you don't need these drugs, which is something you must come to terms with NOW. Don't believe me? When your in a new environment you don't run back to find a way to the dope(I've abandoned everything in my life on more than one occassion to just get high and give up). So your far from hopeless.

Getting off these things literally is hell at first but it get's alot better, but living with them is death.

You mention you get bored? I used to have the same problem too. Also you mention kind of a "broken home" I don't mean to imply you were abused or some shit. But what I'm saying is your parents are divorced.

I think your more emotionally addicted to these things than physically. I don't mean to make you sound soft so you don't have to talk about these things hear. But here's some questions to ask yourself.

What are your goals in life(you feel lost)?
Are you depressed?
Are you waiting for something, but you don't know what?

Stealing from your parents is unacceptable behaviour. You are an addict. Whether it's to one substance or to just being fucked up. You have an escape addiction. What is the core here, what are you trying to escape from?

Can you sort this out on your own?

I've gone through this man. It's so hard to face yourself 24/7, and not let yourself slip.Your going to get depressed but there is an unresolved issue whether your sober, or high, at your moms pad, or your dads. I need you to attack it.

If you wanna talk more privately about it don't feel weird about PM'ing me.

But after you find the root. You need to find a way to pull it out of you, without taking too much of your own flesh with it.

If it really is just boredom, than you need to learn self-confidence, willpower, hobbies, and you need to gain a tolerance to boredom again.

I have a lot to say, but I don't wanna scare yea off, and I don't wanna write a novel about some bull-shit that might not apply.

Get better dude, I know where you are, and it's dark. but you can find your light and continue to shine, but you are going to have to fight for a while, and it's gonna hurt..

Mydriasis · 09-02-2009, 11:40 PM

Also are you afraid of succeeding? This is a huge problem of mine. Your obviously a bright person a 3.5gpa isn't attained by a slacker with no potential.

my_scatterheart · 09-03-2009, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by Dr. Drew

I am wondering why I keep doing the same destructive shit, even when I know it's wrong and making my future seem dismal.

After a while I bought into what they were teaching and got clean for a short while, my life seemed to get better, albeit boring.
Was going to N/A meetings (which were ok, but boring, hard for me to get into, but I didn't try that hard),

A few months later I met kids who could get boy, I told myself I was just going to try it out once in a while because I had never done powder H (which was retarded).

Why? Because you haven't committed yourself to your own cause.

**SageTree** · 09-03-2009, 08:24 AM

Are you doing them by yourself or with friends? Habits and cycles are hard to break.

Can you think of a time you wanted to but did?

How did you arrive at that choice, where did you find the power?

Sorry Dx2 I am here to talk or in private. Much love buddy. Knowing you want to change something is part of the solution.

Have you considered a personal counseller for this issue?

Dr. Drew · 09-03-2009, 09:17 PM

Thanks guys, I will reply and adress the issues you brought up tommorrow or very soon, I really am not up for it at this moment.
But I really REALLY appreciate your support; it means a lot to me that you all took the time to read that and reply. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff, so thanks for listening.

much love and respect,
mike

myxomatosis · 09-03-2009, 10:03 PM

Drew I'm fallin asleep here after a real long day, so I'll toss you some advice or whatever here in the morning but I just wanted to wish you some luck.

**SageTree** · 09-03-2009, 10:27 PM

We love you Mike

and are here for ya brother.

SageTree

Xil · 09-03-2009, 10:36 PM

i hope you can find it. You really aren't in a cycle; a cycle implies circular, no start and no end. But there was a start, and there can be an end.

I'm not too experienced with addiction but the advice i can give is this: the past doesn't hold any sway over the future and patterns can be broken.

NickNasty · 09-04-2009, 09:59 AM

You seem to at least be able to recognize how your psyche works...the challenge is to take that understanding and modify your behavior as best you can. it might mean changing alot of internal and external factors and asking yourself some tough questions. good luck.

fenderbender · 09-04-2009, 11:18 AM

Man you gotta make life itself fucking interesting...when your just sitting around with the same deal going on over and over, why not do drugs.
Drugs make boring shit Fun.

When you are active in other fun areas of your life, its easier to get away from that shit

I suggest travel somewhere by yourself, plus the occasional Strong hallucinogen trip

Snowmayne · 09-13-2009, 09:26 PM

I went through a similar cycle with cocaine addiction. Lasted a good 4-5 years and I still haven't beaten it yet, but I am winning.

It took me many many fuck ups, hurting many people, 2 trips to rehab, a lot of NA meetings and just realizing how destructive it is, and the only thing in the end is going to be me living in the streets trying to rob people and steal to just to get high. You know deep down its not worth it the whole time but I think it just takes an addict quite a while to realize you have run out of options to get high and soon you will be on the streets for real doing that shit and you don't want to end up there.

Keep trying NA man, if you aren't really feeling the meeting you are going to try another meeting. I was lucky enough and the first one I attended I met really cool people and learned a lot and it did a lot for me really.

The more you fuck up, the more you fuck up again because you will keep trying to run from your faults, its a bad cycle. You have to learn to forgive yourself, make apologies and amends to the people you've done bad to

higherthanamile · 09-14-2009, 12:32 AM

^I'm shoulder to shoulder with SM about 'learn to forgive yourself'

There isn't a 'hookan here that hasn't made poor choices or bad decisions in their lives. We just don't all post about them.

This is a 'destructive' year and a half or so that you have talked about. But, it sounds like you are aware of it. Clearly enough, by your recollection.

What I would recommend you do is honestly consider the things, people, or places that are 'triggers' for you to use. And walk away. Because, right now, you've surrounded yourself surrounded with compulsive behavior and decision making.

Dealing with boredom was also mentioned in another post. I also agree that you need to do that, by finding something else to do besides these things you have talked about. You're going to have to find something that is time consuming. An easy way to approach that is by scheduling each day out, hour by hour, from the moment you wake up, until the moment your head lands on your pillow. And commit to that schedule no matter what.

Don't take shit off of anyone (you may have to walk away from) about it either.

You ever hear people talk about how they would of done things differently if they'd known then what they know now? It's true. Right now, you know that you know you want to change. Down the road, I bet you'll know that you needed to.

Give up on destroying yourself.
Fail at it. I'm right behind you, Double D.

Peace seeker · 09-14-2009, 04:47 AM

only "you" can help you (and God)

i wish you luck to find both (God and yourself) so you can quit this bad habbit before it takes your life

millions of people have quit hard drugs (meth, H, etc) for life.

But they all shared one thing in common. They really wanted to.

do u really want to quit? Ask yourself.

If u do, u will succeed.

Snowmayne · 09-22-2009, 04:06 PM

care to update the thread Drew? Anything positive been going on?

turmaline · 09-22-2009, 04:34 PM

All I have to say is....

we are all human, we all do the same repetitive shit over and over...

what we need to do is get involved with eachother to work together to try to change things one day at a time.

whether it be by ourselves or together.

the repetitiveness of our stories is what the definition of insanity is.