I Feel Like I Am Becoming Numb

Cerpin Taxt · 09-21-2009, 07:06 PM

Lately I have been feeling this kind of indifference about where I am at in life.

I am on the brink of finishing University, but have absolutely no clue what I am going to do with my life.

My close group of friends don't seem to be enough, but it's almost as if the effort of finding new ones would be fruitless. Why?

I feel like I don't completely fit in with my surroundings.

I havn't discovered that TRUE passion in my life, and my aimlessness is numbing my brain.

I havn't had a girlfriend in 2 years, but I don't really know if I want one at his point. Why would I bring someone into my life when I have no clue about what I'm doing with my own? Add the fact that I seem incapable of meeting girls outside of a drinking game, and my libido seems so dormant that the extra little 'kick' towards doing so isn't there, and I'm left alone, lonely, but not lonely.

I try to get excited about weekends, but it's always the same shit, with the same people, going to the same places, doing the same thing, and wasting money. But then, in the next sentence, those are some of the funnest times I have.

Why is this feeling so cyclical? Why does any change I make become swept under the rug of habits that have engrained themselves within me since before I even knew the context in which I even exist? Why is it that any time I feel there is change, there is but only temporary delay of the usual.

Why is it that sometimes when driving on a two-lane street, I imagine what it would feel like to suddenly swerve into the other lane into oncoming traffic and into a head on collision?

Why do I want to love but feel incapable, why is it that I want passion but feel only emptiness, why is it that I am constantly fucking about in this world inside my head while ignoring the world around me?

I know I need to do something, but I am unsure about whether it's a matter of me figuring it out, or whether I already know and just need the cohones.

P.S. This is NOT depression, I've been depressed and this is a different, somewhat unfamiliar feeling...

my_scatterheart · 09-21-2009, 07:10 PM

It's prolonged boredom. Make some fun. Stop doing the same shit. Shake your life up a bit. How, I've no idea. Just gotta make some change.

Mafoo · 09-21-2009, 07:12 PM

your words might as well have come out of my head. im trying to take it all in stride, i dont really know what to do either...

The Rev · 09-21-2009, 07:14 PM

You're at the end of a chapter, and nearing entering another that hasn't been written yet. You're facing an empty future, because you haven't filled it yet. This can be a difficult time, but also a great time, because you are about to go somewhere you've never been before. Don't worry so much about having it all mapped out. I'm nearly 43 and still don't know what I want "to do with the rest of my life." I don't think anyone, at any age, has it all dialed in like that, and I think if they did, they'd be pretty neurotically fucked up.

Just know that you want to move forward, and let the path come to you. Life really does work that way. Things have a knack for coming together. You just have to be open to it. Embrace the unknown as a blank canvas upon which you can paint your whole life, then paint over it if you like.

Hope that helped.

The Rev

**kitch** · 09-21-2009, 07:14 PM

it's called September kids, happens to everyone. Try listening to side 2 of Wake Of The Flood on repeat, or some good bluegrass.

Cerpin Taxt · 09-21-2009, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by my_scatterheart

It's prolonged boredom. Make some fun. Stop doing the same shit. Shake your life up a bit. How, I've no idea. Just gotta make some change.

8th paragraph.

Originally Posted by The Rev

You're at the end of a chapter, and nearing entering another that hasn't been written yet. You're facing an empty future, because you haven't filled it yet. This can be a difficult time, but also a great time, because you are about to go somewhere you've never been before. Don't worry so much about having it all mapped out. I'm nearly 43 and still don't know what I want "to do with the rest of my life." I don't think anyone, at any age, has it all dialed in like that, and I think if they did, they'd be pretty neurotically fucked up.

Just know that you want to move forward, and let the path come to you. Life really does work that way. Things have a knack for coming together. You just have to be open to it. Embrace the unknown as a blank canvas upon which you can paint your whole life, then paint over it if you like.

Hope that helped.

The Rev

This actually resonates pretty well with me... Thanks a lot Rev

SpankyMcLankey · 09-21-2009, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by Mafoo

your words might as well have come out of my head. im trying to take it all in stride, i dont really know what to do either...

I agree, I think a lot of us here at Yahooka feel very similar. I'm sure it's always been somewhere back there, it's just rising to the surface of your awareness at this point in time.

Cerpin Taxt · 09-21-2009, 07:55 PM

^This is also very true...

These feelings have most certainly been brooding.

my_scatterheart · 09-21-2009, 08:26 PM

Change doesn't mean you go to a movie instead of going out drinking this weekend. It means a lifestyle change. You find something you're actually interested in and you do something pertaining to it, and go with it. Doesn't sound like you're too terribly active. Get the ball rolling.

Cerpin Taxt · 09-21-2009, 09:07 PM

I know what you meant... but thanks, I'll continue putting more focus on things I am genuinely interested in

my_scatterheart · 09-21-2009, 09:11 PM

Or just make a really good sammitch. Sammitches always make me feel bettuh

Mydriasis · 09-21-2009, 09:37 PM

I agree with pretty much everyone here.

I think finding yourself is the biggest quest in Human Consciousness. Like what are you, what are your talents, what do you aspire to be, what makes you happy.

Don't worry about the numbness thing though that's pretty normal when your stuck in the middle. It makes you feel like an observer on someone else.

turmaline · 09-22-2009, 10:35 AM

I remember you making a thread like this just before you went to university. I have a good memory. To me it sounds like you're going to have an exciting time coming up in your life...

Id travel somewhere if I was you....maybe even move somewhere different.

I wouldn't worry about relationships, it'll happen when the time is right.

what do i know about anything though.

verklingen · 09-22-2009, 10:41 AM

i watched yes man last night and while accepting every opportunity is a bit silly it reminded me how many opportunities are passed up out of mere apathy. if i may, the best way i can put what has worked for me into some words of advice is to become accepting and receptive. sometimes it's life waiting for an opportunity with you rather than you waiting on life. . . gotta be open to it