Dating, vs friends

**Canuck Wisdom** · 05-24-2009, 03:12 PM

Hey guys. So I would like to ask you for your thoughts on the potential difference between someone being a 'significant other' and a friend.

First, through out notions that may have traditionally been social indicators of the difference, such as sexual partner. What I mean is, you could do anything with this friend that you could do with this partner. Move in together, have sex, eat dinner, raise children whatever.

So you could argue that a significant other or partner is just a really good friend, but that's not really what I am looking for. In MY opinion, there is a difference, and it may just be mental, an assigning of value or willingness to open up with one particular person, but it may be more than just mental too.

So, what makes the difference, in your perspective, between a friend (who you could do anything with) and a special partner (who you could do any same thing with)?

I think for me it is mostly a feeling, an assignment of value. Labeling someone outside of myself with something I have decided I want, or designated as special within myself. I am not sure why I have that. If its biological, some sort of higher spiritual thing, or just a mental construct from environmental influences on my thoughts, but I have a tendency to want to designate someone as a partner in a different way than a friend is, or someone I have slept with is.

I know it comes from within me too, because if I am with that someone, they are just that outside person and I know its inside me that makes them different from other outside people, but, when they are gone, the memory of them (which is all they are outside of direct experience) is tied into this inside notion and in a way can become more meaningful when they are not there... sort of, ya' know?

Thoughts?

my_scatterheart · 05-24-2009, 03:48 PM

Significant other = commitment/loyalty
Other than that I see no real difference in my life. Any significant other has been a best friend with added intimacy.

Cerpin Taxt · 05-24-2009, 04:27 PM

Significant other = A person who compliments your personality extremely well (if not completely) and vice versa.

Friends are usually made out of mutual interests, which leads to the discovery of common values. How specific the interest is is usually a good indicator of how strong the resulting tie in the corresponding value will be. For instance, I would say 'drinking' is an extremely general interest, while writing existential poetry is much more specific and therefore capable of establishing a stronger and more meaningful connection.

Significant others have these strong connections in common, but the difference is that it is much more encompassing and on a much bigger scale. Encompassing in the sense that your core values and outlooks are complimentary to the point that even if the person you are with has an interest or hobby (which reflects these values) that you have no interest in personally, it is still one that you can understand, respect, and admire.

Friends have a lot more that they dislike about each other in general, to put it bluntly.

**AlteredStateGrl** · 05-24-2009, 04:46 PM

my husband is my best friend. every single thing about that man stands apart from anyone i've ever met. he's my soulmate (don't ask me to define it because i couldn't in a way anyone would understand), so...i know it doesn't work like that for everybody's relationships. i definitely know every relationship is different. what makes one couple happy, could be and often is, completely different from another.

The Rev · 05-24-2009, 07:31 PM

There are degrees of openness, and therefore vulnerability, with different people in your life. You have to trust a person alot to be really open. Sexuality is very intimate and personal. You really let someone in (figuratively as well as literally) when you share yourself on a sexual level. So it seems natural that those we develop the closest of relationships with are romantic partners rather than friends.

The Rev

**Canuck Wisdom** · 05-24-2009, 08:10 PM

Yea true ^

Cerpin Taxt I find your post very insightful. It reminds me how I have often wondered, to what degree, and in what ways would differences of character be beneficial in a couple and in what way harmful. I suppose sharing values, but balancing character traits such as outgoing/introvert is beneficial. These things can be hard to spot though.

JcP · 05-25-2009, 03:22 AM

the difference, to me, between a friend and a lover is:

a friendship is usually based on mutual interests and the act of reinforcing opinions and behaviors. IE: we hang out to do what we love with someone who loves it just as much.

a relationship is usually based on the interest of the person as a person...IE: we hang out because I want to get to know HIM/HER more...this can mean doing something we both love, but it also means doing something you don't like but can find enjoyment in because your partner is.

The line is so thin though that I had to really think about this for a long time. My best friend is always the person I'm romantically involved with. Sexuality tends to create a VERY strong bond of trust and acceptance which is the foundation of any sort of interpersonal relationship...so in a lot of ways friendships ARE a form of "relationship."

Kenny Bus · 05-25-2009, 02:40 PM

IMO a friend with benefits is some you are close enough to and comfortable enough with to be intimate together without requiring any more commitment than any of your other relationships.

A significant other is some one you have future plans with. Plans that go beyond the bedroom or the next event that brings you 2 together. Someone who is so significant to your life that any decisions you make will effect them, and vice versa. someone whos life is a significant part of your own.