Day 3

stateofkane · 12-25-2008, 06:48 PM

My last smoke was on Monday night somewhere around 7:30 pm (this time). Over the last 72 hours I have felt depression, irritability, anxiety, just overall miserable. I've been smoking a lot lately, and this IS the fuckin withdrawal.

My friend was going to get me high on Tuesday night. When he didn't call back by the time I was going to turn in for the night I thought, "I don't even want to get high. I quit."

I've been wanting to quit not long after I started. Longest stretch was 8 1/2 months and I was starting to become a normal person who was interested in working and doing healthy stuff.

I think people are more successful if it is a spontaneous decision. I'm through with this shit. It isn't even fun anymore. It used to be like a drug when the dealer said, "yup, stop over." My heart would race, goosebumps, all that good stuff. And that feeling hasn't existed for a long time.

If I ever get my shit together and have my own house, maybe I'll start up again, and grow it, but I will still be someone who doesn't respond to weed in a healthy way. Why would I want to throw it all away? It would be the first time I achieved a lot since, well, before I started smoking pot.

I want my old life back where things were easy. I wanted to achieve and strive for perfection. Now I just live to survive, with no fucking purpose.

Thanks for listening to my ramble. BTW, it's all the same too. No more alcohol for me either, but that one is too easy.

I guess now I can look forward to going back to school. Get my degree. Get a job. I might take up a new hobby... RC planes, collecting stamps, jerking off in different positions... the possibilities are endless.

stateofkane · 12-26-2008, 07:14 AM

Day 4. I feel a little better this morning. Actually, a lot better, but mornings I am rarely depressed. I got about 8 hours of sleep. Depression usually hits me at night. Pretty soon I will start dreaming again, and not before I start having some vivid using(where I get high in the dream) ones first.

I have a fast metabolism. I am probably where most quitters are on the 2 week mark. I will probably have a majority of the drug out of me after 2 weeks, in which I will start thinking clearer and not be as moody and depressed.

The battle continues, and I will not give up. I know that if I smoke now I will feel relieved and my thoughts will slow down again.... fat chance. That will put me back to square one. I'm looking forward to all of the bad shit that will come my way which will prompt me to want to get high. I'm not going to, so haha.

drunken13astard · 12-26-2008, 08:00 AM

In my opinion the more you build up the idea of quiting the harder it is going to be. Don't think about going back to weed try keeping your mind occupied, read a book, make some jello. The less you think about it, the better. Hope that helps.

Peace

stateofkane · 12-26-2008, 08:44 AM

I agree, but in these early stages, it is normal to have a lot of cravings and major emotional problems, which is what is happening. I've been going for walks, and reading newspapers/ light reading. It helps. I won't be so emotional once I am a few weeks into it. This only confirms what I already believed, that marijuana use makes the user more emotional. Like I said, I want my old life where I didn't have mood swings, and nothing was very dramatic. I just went through each day with business (doing what I have to do) on my mind. As a stoner, all I really think about is myself, and that isn't going to go away immediately.

Whew, I'm rambling like a motherfucker. You guys will see this less as I progress into the next stages. Carry on.

stateofkane · 12-27-2008, 07:30 AM

Day 5. I got less sleep last night. I found myself pacing, and every time I caught myself doing that, I knew that the sooner I get busy with volunteer work, the better. It seems like a catch -22. I'm not sure if I could face the world with responsibilities right now, but I know sitting alone in my room doesn't do much good. Although I did go for a 30 minute walk yesterday. I'm lonely without any friends, but I deserve that. I deserve much worse. This is the least I can do for the world right now. This is my role, as someone who contributes nothing to society. I must focus on why I am doing this. I must know I have to do this. Using is not an option.

**SageTree** · 12-27-2008, 10:18 AM

Good job on achieving something you've put your mind to mate. The Salvation Army serves meals alot and that has been a low key low stress way for me to get out and do something myself. I think the polatics of volunteering can get hairy sometimes, but with food it's always straight forward, and instant gratification, for all parties concerned.

I don't think that anyone deserves not to have friends, or connection. I can say for almost certain you will meet people with similiar interests beyond volunteering together, when you get out and do that. When I moved to Vancouver the first handful of friends, and the ones that were closest I met volunteering at Stanley Park.

I came here today to support you and encourage you. I don't know if that is the friendship you're looking for, but you can talk to me anytime you're feeling lonely.

Your friend,
Sage

stateofkane · 12-27-2008, 10:25 AM

You're right about the friends part. I have to avoid guilt, as that is just as unhealthy as self-pity, anger, and of course loneliness. Also, this is another thing I learned in treatment that makes more sense today than ever before. Avoid HALT
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you feel any of these, it's time to do something. Otherwise there is a high risk of relapse.

**SageTree** · 12-27-2008, 10:31 AM

I wasn't aware you went to treatment. What that for Cananbis alone? Feel free to PM if anything is sensative info.

stateofkane · 12-27-2008, 10:53 AM

Yeah, I was committed to treatment for drinking and smoking mostly. I got out of the meth game before it destroyed me. I was living with my parents and stealing from them, so it was easy for the judge to order me to treatment since my parents provided all the evidence needed. I'm lucky I didn't get into criminal trouble, but commitments are very fucked up. You have less rights than someone under criminal charges. I didn't want to quit at that time, so it was a waste. But no one knew what to do with me.

**SageTree** · 12-27-2008, 11:04 AM

Well I'm glad that you working it out this time. Just remember a support system is key to recovery, if nothing else, they atleast provide a healthy level of guilt/accountability to follow through. This is why support groups are effective. You trust these people to help you and you don't want to let them down or disappoint. I think guilt can be healty in that instance. Although I am hesitant to use the word because of all its bad implications. Think of it more as your conscious helping you out, that is healthy guilt, when you don't actually do something you commited to.

A counsiler told me that when you know what the expectations are then its ok. But if its a revolving set of standards and are unclear what they are then its bad to feel that way.

With that said, maybe try to make a list of things that you want to accomplish, and work on follow through. Start small, and be forgiving to yourself. That is the hardest people to be easy on.

Take care Brother,
SageTree

stoneric · 12-27-2008, 12:56 PM

Quitting alconol is a good idea. Depriving yourself of the high of cannabis is a bad idea. Get a grip. Pot isn't addictive. Get your shit done before you indulge, it's easy.

stateofkane · 12-27-2008, 02:34 PM

As I said in the 1st post, if I succeed in school, get a job, buy a house, I might grow it myself and start up again. I could see it happening, but then again I could see it happening and ending up right where I am now in a matter of months.

stateofkane · 12-28-2008, 05:36 AM

Day 6. Feels like it's been 3 weeks since I last smoked. I know it is the only thing that would provide temporary psychological relief. In that I mean I suffer little emotional problems today, but it would give me that jolt, that pick-me-up. I wouldn't give a fuck for a few hours, and then I would be back again. I like every post made in here. Challenges are great, because I don't want to be saying to myself what stoneric is saying when I am weak and vulnerable. I have to have my guard up, and realize how serious this is.

I have my guard up, and know what I want. I want nothing else right now than to become a stronger human being.

stoneric · 12-28-2008, 03:53 PM

Originally Posted by stateofkane

Day 6. Feels like it's been 3 weeks since I last smoked. I know it is the only thing that would provide temporary psychological relief. In that I mean I suffer little emotional problems today, but it would give me that jolt, that pick-me-up. I wouldn't give a fuck for a few hours, and then I would be back again. I like every post made in here. Challenges are great, because I don't want to be saying to myself what stoneric is saying when I am weak and vulnerable. I have to have my guard up, and realize how serious this is.

I have my guard up, and know what I want. I want nothing else right now than to become a stronger human being.

And I'll stick with what I said. Pot isn't addictive. You decide when you want to get high, not the pot. What defines addiction is when the substance does your thinking for you. If you smoke all day long, it's your choice. The beauty of pot is that maturity takes care of the "addiction".

Ominous Toker · 12-28-2008, 06:44 PM

if you are trying to quit, how did this site end up anywhere in your thought process?

did you not expect the kind of comment like the one above ^

stateofkane · 12-29-2008, 05:13 AM

I expected comments like his. I caved yesterday on day 6. I need to start doing something quick. I can't quit when I sit around with no responsibilities and get a call from someone who will get me high for free. I feel like an idiot, but I am making an effort to become a responsible person, so I won't get down on myself. My mind is defintely clearer as my levels of thc in my brain have dropped significantly.

I10HaulR · 01-12-2009, 09:46 PM

Good Job. To me it sounds like you have your priorities straight. It's my first month of being nicotine free! I dipped for 16 years...started at 13. Funny enough, if it wasn't for marijuana I don't think it would have been possible.

You can do it if you want to...it's just will power.

radarrider · 01-13-2009, 08:47 PM

hows it going stateofkane??

stateofkane · 01-19-2009, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by stoneric

And I'll stick with what I said. Pot isn't addictive. You decide when you want to get high, not the pot. What defines addiction is when the substance does your thinking for you. If you smoke all day long, it's your choice. The beauty of pot is that maturity takes care of the "addiction".

There is something you don't understand about me. I suffer from anxiety and depression. When you mix pot into that, it enhances both. I used to take meds, now I don't, but the point is I can't smoke pot.

I have not forgotten about this. I want to quit, and have little time to get back on track before my parents cut me off. I am not supporting myself, and I have failed repeatedly in quitting.

toastyroach · 01-22-2009, 10:21 PM

'day 3'...

dude, where are your balls???

every opiode addict right now is laughing at you... think of the worst cold you ever got in your life.. then multiply it 5x... THATS what withdrawal is... what you got is a case of vaginitus