First Poem

[whit3.rhino]

So a friend of mine just got me into poetry, kinda. Still heres what I got, any feedback would be nice, i dont really have a title yet, but I know it will have 4-5 parts. For now I call it, Veil of Truth.



I am neither here nor there,
clouded by the rising mist of conjoining realms
masquerading beneath a well worn guise
continuously creeping hidden catastophes
Weighted down by the vastitude
of lurking responsibilities,
constrained by contrasting desires
Ardusously fighting the will to succome,
ever forgetful of breath's final hour...

Slowly roasting the cherrying core,
dense swirls wafting throughout every pore
the murderess haze engulfs the slumping soul
feverishly fretting the felling toll.

excessively wasting preceding lore nevermore...








-whit3.rhino

[vanilla]

hey man, i liked it but i kinda got the impression that you were trying to add in a lot of big complicated words to give it that extra 'poet' credibility
either way, its good
keep at it brother