me and my bike

[yo.]

this is something i wrote a while back.


So this is how it starts:
Killing and slaugtering, I cry myself to sleep.
The dreams of you I wish I could reap,
only soak in more and more as months go by.
But now it's time for this to die.

I guess this is what they meant,
when they say your childhood should be well spent.
So you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies.
I can only reach the beginning of the skies,
but I'll get over you and I will stop the kills.
I'll ride away, never turn back, and keep pedaling these wheels.

Life is only hard when you have no companion,
Jumping shit like canyons,
I've found a true love.
Once again, I'll strap on this glove.
And set sail into the city, with tired legs.
Riding on tires, grinding on pegs.

You'll see us no more,
me and my bike,
don't need you, you fucking dyke

[yo.]

i know, this is like dr suess compared to you guys.

[Mydriasis]

It's pretty angry, but it got the point across mang.

You BMX? I got a buddy who does too. I skateboard though haha.

[yo.]

yeah, it'd old. and not anymore. i've done both tho. i rode for about a year, skated for like 2 + years

[Mercury]

good job rhyming. the structure is all wrong, however.

[yo.]

i know. i might try to start writing again, i was like 15 or 16 when i wrote that after my first real relationship.

[Mercury]

you could break it into a couplet, if you trimmed some stuff away.

[yo.]

what you mean? whats a couplet

[Mercury]

Killing and slaugtering, I cry myself to sleep.
The dreams of you I wish I could reap,
only soak in more and more as months go by.
But now it's time for this to die.

I guess this is what they meant,
when they say your childhood should be well spent.
So you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies.
I can only reach the beginning of the skies,

but I'll get over you and I will stop the kills.
I'll ride away, never turn back, and keep pedaling these wheels.

Life is only hard when you have no companion,
Jumping shit like canyons,
I've found a true love.
Once again, I'll strap on this glove.

And set sail into the city, with tired legs.
Riding on tires, grinding on pegs.

You'll see us no more,
me and my bike,
don't need you, you fucking dyke

a couple is basically what you did, AA BB rhyme scheme. so kudos on that. i'm just criticizing the breaks. if you're going to rhyme in a couplet method you out to group the line breaks in 4's and 2's accordingly. and you can end with the 3, that's fine. there are no set rules, per se.

[yo.]

oh, okay thanks

[Mercury]

lol... whatever don't thank me. i know you could care less. but i do love poetry and i think i can improve your pentametere. there should be 5 per line, if i'm not mistaken.

if you'll allow me to fiddle with your work a bit...

Killing and slaugtering, I cry to sleep.
The dreams of you I wish I could reap,
they soak in more as months go by.
But now it's time for this to die.

seems this is what they meant,
your childhood should be well spent.
you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies.
I only reach the beginning skies,

To get over you, I will stop the kills.
I'll ride away and pedal these wheels

Life is hard when you have no companion,
Jumping this shit like gaping canyons,

I've found a true love.
I'll strap on this glove.

Set sail to the city with tired legs.
Riding on tires; grinding on pegs.

You'll see us no more,
me and my bike,
don't need you, you fucking dyke

[yo.]

i do appreciate it man, like i said i've been wantin to start writin again so i'm always open to tips advices and constructive criticism