jokes for the short attention span - Page 3

**Bearsy** · 08-22-2009, 03:23 AM

What did the Vegan Zombie ask for?

Grraaaiiinsss

Flamingnun · 08-22-2009, 06:02 AM

Angela, a daft 60 year old cleaner came up to me at work today and said to me "Ohh, looks like it's going to be one of those days today", whilst pointing out the window at the rain.
After a few seconds of silence I turned to her and said "Angela."
"Yes?" she said.
And I added after another few seconds of silence, "Fuck off."

Über King · 08-22-2009, 08:03 AM

out the other night and bumped into an old friend. he exclaimed how hairy id gotten on the face. i said its called puberty. he asked me 'whats a puberty?' his friend said ' its like a manitee'

made me lol

**Bearsy** · 09-25-2009, 10:15 AM

René Descartes walks into a bar, and orders a gin and tonic.
The barman asks him if he would like it garnished with a slice of lemon.
René, disliking lemons, replies, "I think not" and promptly disappears.

Über King · 09-25-2009, 10:24 AM

so i was in the airport. i got to the desk and said 'cluck cluck'

the woman said 'no sir, this is the check in desk'

LHM · 09-25-2009, 04:34 PM

There was 2 lamposts, a postbox, and a manhole. One lampost exlaimed to the other, I'm tired of being called gay.

ionlylooklazy · 09-25-2009, 05:25 PM

this thread is way too long

crookedhatinator45 · 11-09-2009, 11:52 PM

What kind of bees produce milk?

.... BOOOOBIES

Why did tigger look in the toilet?

.... he was looking for POOOOOH

How did 5 rhinos, 2 elephants, 6 peacocks, 3 people and 4 giraffes stand under an umbrella and not get wet?...

... it wasn't raining.

crookedhatinator45 · 11-09-2009, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by parallax

the next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," when i was on my way to school yesterday, i saw some words written on a wall and i didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions i asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When i got there he asked me what had happened and i told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when i told him he freaked out and expelled me. When i got home my mom asked me what had happened and i told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When i told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after i told him everything he asked me the words and when i told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why i had been expelled and kicked out of my house and i told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When i told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and i told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when i told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when i told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."

the judge said,"what were the words?" the boy said, "haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." the judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "purple passion." the judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.

Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said,"when i was on my way to school one day, i saw some words written on a wall and i didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions i asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When i got there he asked me what had happened and i told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when i told him he freaked out and expelled me. When i got home my mom asked me what had happened and i told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When i told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after i told him everything he asked me the words and when i told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why i had been expelled and kicked out of my house and i told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When i told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and i told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when i told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when i told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day i had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and i told him everything and then he asked me the words and when i told him he gave me ten years."

everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said,"purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up and raped in the ass.

The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said,"you look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" so the man said,"when i was on my way to school one day, i saw some words written on a wall and i didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions i asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When i got there he asked me what had happened and i told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when i told him he freaked out and expelled me. When i got home my mom asked me what had happened and i told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When i told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after i told him everything he asked me the words and when i told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why i had been expelled and kicked out of my house and i told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When i told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and i told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when i told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when i told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day i had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and i told him everything and then he asked me the words and when i told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and i just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."

"oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "what were the words?" "do you think i'm stupid!" exploded the man. "i'm not going to tell you the words." "oh come on," the woman cooed. "i won't do anything to you." "oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "yes,"the man replied. "you see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour i will tell you the meaning of purple passion."

the man was estatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clive

someone read the title wrong

hahahahah

11-10-2009, 01:09 AM

Blonde gets on an elevator. Looks at the guy standing on the elevator and says "T.G.I.F." Guy looks at her and says "S.H.I.T."

Blonde kinda ponders on it a second, looks at the guy again and says "T.G.I.F." Guy looks at her and says "S.H.I.T."

Blonde now really confused looks at the guy and says "I don't think you understand what I'm trying to tell you. I'm trying to tell you T.G.I.F. Thank God Its Friday" guy looks at her and says "And I'm tryin to tell you S.H.I.T. Sorry Hun Its Thursday"

Sir-Ex · 11-10-2009, 02:18 AM

Here's a bunch of sexist jokes

1.

"If it takes on average 15 minutes for a man to orgasm, then how long does it take a woman?"

..

"Who fucking cares?"

2.

"Why are the asshole and the pussy only an inch and a half apart?"

..

"So you can carry em' home like a six pack on the way home from the bar."

3.

"Okay you know that bunch of skin and shit around the clitoris? You know what I mean? All that bunch of useless flesh all round it? Know what that's called?"

..

"The woman."

4.

"Why did got create women?"

..

"Cuz mops don't move themselves."

08-22-2009, 06:02 AM	#42 (permalink)
Flamingnun Shpadoinkle Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: roflmao Posts: 17,538 Thanks: 1,046 Thanked 2,611 Times in 1,178 Posts	Angela, a daft 60 year old cleaner came up to me at work today and said to me "Ohh, looks like it's going to be one of those days today", whilst pointing out the window at the rain. After a few seconds of silence I turned to her and said "Angela." "Yes?" she said. And I added after another few seconds of silence, "Fuck off." __________________

08-22-2009, 08:03 AM	#43 (permalink)
Über King yabooban Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: The ÜK Posts: 2,502 Thanks: 34 Thanked 221 Times in 106 Posts	out the other night and bumped into an old friend. he exclaimed how hairy id gotten on the face. i said its called puberty. he asked me 'whats a puberty?' his friend said ' its like a manitee' made me lol __________________ You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? http://vimeo.com/user4038385/videos

09-25-2009, 10:24 AM	#45 (permalink)
Über King yabooban Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: The ÜK Posts: 2,502 Thanks: 34 Thanked 221 Times in 106 Posts	so i was in the airport. i got to the desk and said 'cluck cluck' the woman said 'no sir, this is the check in desk' __________________ You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? http://vimeo.com/user4038385/videos

09-25-2009, 04:34 PM	#46 (permalink)
LHM BRINGBACKFANCYSYMBOL Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 599 Thanks: 70 Thanked 85 Times in 28 Posts	There was 2 lamposts, a postbox, and a manhole. One lampost exlaimed to the other, I'm tired of being called gay. __________________ Next time you say "I have nothing in common with this person," remember that you have a great deal in common: A few years from now - two years or seventy years, it doesn't make much difference - both of you will have become rotting corpses, then piles of dust, then nothing at all.

11-10-2009, 02:18 AM	#51 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 10,465 Thanks: 1,411 Thanked 3,130 Times in 1,873 Posts	Here's a bunch of sexist jokes 1. "If it takes on average 15 minutes for a man to orgasm, then how long does it take a woman?" .. "Who fucking cares?" 2. "Why are the asshole and the pussy only an inch and a half apart?" .. "So you can carry em' home like a six pack on the way home from the bar." 3. "Okay you know that bunch of skin and shit around the clitoris? You know what I mean? All that bunch of useless flesh all round it? Know what that's called?" .. "The woman." 4. "Why did got create women?" .. "Cuz mops don't move themselves." __________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

09-25-2009, 05:25 PM	#47 (permalink)
ionlylooklazy no left turn unstoned Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: washington Posts: 3,993 Thanks: 51 Thanked 500 Times in 262 Posts	this thread is way too long

11-10-2009, 01:09 AM	#50 (permalink)
Stoney Guest Posts: n/a	Blonde gets on an elevator. Looks at the guy standing on the elevator and says "T.G.I.F." Guy looks at her and says "S.H.I.T." Blonde kinda ponders on it a second, looks at the guy again and says "T.G.I.F." Guy looks at her and says "S.H.I.T." Blonde now really confused looks at the guy and says "I don't think you understand what I'm trying to tell you. I'm trying to tell you T.G.I.F. Thank God Its Friday" guy looks at her and says "And I'm tryin to tell you S.H.I.T. Sorry Hun Its Thursday"

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