Letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner

The Rev · 08-17-2010, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, she really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the TiVo remote control is.

Steve

Hedons posted this many moons ago, and as I was going through my copious files, I came across this little gem and had to share.

The Rev

SmokeaJoint · 08-17-2010, 01:08 PM

Dude, I read through this whole thing. The entire time, I alternated between open-mouthed amazement and utter glee. Bumpin' your baby sis, just thought you should know... LOLOL!

kamikazi89 · 08-17-2010, 01:08 PM

i've really mellowed since then, you however remain the mast anal attentive man i've ever come across

The Rev · 08-17-2010, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kamikazi89

i've really mellowed since then, you however remain the mast anal attentive man i've ever come across

I could never retain a mast in my anus, sir!

The Rev

Man in Black · 08-17-2010, 01:10 PM

LOL

adventure · 08-17-2010, 01:28 PM

I say this about a year ago and love it even more now!

norcalbudboy · 08-17-2010, 01:31 PM

mmm cinnamon rings....

Being · 08-17-2010, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt,

win

**Jimmycube** · 08-17-2010, 05:36 PM

wow....that was...interesting... thanx for posting rev yo

**slunt** · 03-14-2012, 07:35 PM

This and GWB's post about the dead mexican are two of my Yahooka fav's

moketweed · 03-15-2012, 10:41 AM

Definately worth bring back, thank you sir.

Mikey · 03-15-2012, 11:40 AM

i miss hedons

turmaline · 03-15-2012, 11:58 AM

My gawd! hahahaha

Suliman · 03-15-2012, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slunt

This and GWB's post about the dead mexican are two of my Yahooka fav's

What about homosexual dentist's Malt Liquor Experiment?

**slunt** · 03-15-2012, 05:43 PM

Yea that one apparently got misplaced during the Yahooka catastrophe oops about 3-4 years ago. You can still find the dead Mexican by doing a search. Fucking Funny every time I read it.

It's A Way Of Life420 · 03-15-2012, 05:56 PM

this just made my month, thank you

Suliman · 03-15-2012, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slunt

Yea that one apparently got misplaced during the Yahooka catastrophe oops about 3-4 years ago. You can still find the dead Mexican by doing a search. Fucking Funny every time I read it.

hmm... i dont think so i just found it by googling yahooka homo dentist malt

ENJOY

maszac · 03-15-2012, 07:27 PM

god damn, 14 gallons of gas for around 20 bucks. whoa.

Suliman · 03-15-2012, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maszac

god damn, 14 gallons of gas for around 20 bucks. whoa.

crazy how much will change in 10 years

Jester4yall · 03-15-2012, 08:34 PM

I love the DM story!! lolz w/o even rereading it. Fuckin mexican jacket thieves

08-17-2010, 01:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
Man in Black willie d Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: dayton,ohio Posts: 4,817 Thanks: 3,200 Thanked 1,348 Times in 896 Posts	LOL __________________ When I was arrested I was dressed in black.

08-17-2010, 01:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
adventure Adventure its good Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 4,726 Thanks: 1,850 Thanked 1,458 Times in 1,088 Posts	I say this about a year ago and love it even more now! __________________ Coming Full Range

03-14-2012, 07:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
slunt Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Peoples Republic of Kanada Posts: 317 Thanks: 55 Thanked 743 Times in 189 Posts	This and GWB's post about the dead mexican are two of my Yahooka fav's __________________ i have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from the front, some come from behind. Bur I've bought a Big Bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!(Seuss)

03-15-2012, 10:41 AM	#11 (permalink)
moketweed Decent Yahookan Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Almost Canada, NY Posts: 438 Thanks: 567 Thanked 222 Times in 153 Posts	Definately worth bring back, thank you sir. __________________ "Clean your finger before you point at my spots" -Benjamin Franklin- "The highest form of wisdom is kindness" -The Talmud-

03-15-2012, 11:40 AM	#12 (permalink)
Mikey Seasoned YaHookan Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: gulf islands bc Posts: 7,443 Thanks: 1,144 Thanked 2,246 Times in 1,475 Posts	i miss hedons __________________ RIP Gov

08-17-2010, 01:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
norcalbudboy vote yes on prop19 Join Date: May 2005 Location: sacramento Posts: 1,221 Thanks: 4 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts	mmm cinnamon rings....

03-15-2012, 11:58 AM	#13 (permalink)
turmaline hotdog! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: CANADA Posts: 1,673 Thanks: 513 Thanked 927 Times in 536 Posts	My gawd! hahahaha __________________ "I'd rather a frontallabotomy...th an a bottleinfrontofme".

03-15-2012, 05:43 PM	#15 (permalink)
slunt Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Peoples Republic of Kanada Posts: 317 Thanks: 55 Thanked 743 Times in 189 Posts	Yea that one apparently got misplaced during the Yahooka catastrophe oops about 3-4 years ago. You can still find the dead Mexican by doing a search. Fucking Funny every time I read it. __________________ i have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from the front, some come from behind. Bur I've bought a Big Bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!(Seuss)

03-15-2012, 05:56 PM	#16 (permalink)
It's A Way Of Life420 Mr. Nice Guy Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: the prairie Posts: 707 Thanks: 55 Thanked 86 Times in 64 Posts	this just made my month, thank you __________________ In the San Francisco jail Before he got out on bail Kesey met a kid with magic fingernails. "Take a lick," said the kid And everybody did. They all licked his nails and blew their lids. Twenty-seven psyches Going off like Nike Missiles through the lye-scoured Concrete skyways of the San Francisco Jail. The kid had LSD on his magic fingernails.

03-15-2012, 07:27 PM	#18 (permalink)
maszac toast Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: kc Posts: 915 Thanks: 1,458 Thanked 266 Times in 162 Posts	god damn, 14 gallons of gas for around 20 bucks. whoa.

03-15-2012, 08:34 PM	#20 (permalink)
Jester4yall Spark It or Park It Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Africa Posts: 3,653 Thanks: 2,760 Thanked 1,315 Times in 943 Posts	I love the DM story!! lolz w/o even rereading it. Fuckin mexican jacket thieves __________________ http://i.imgur.com/CTV2E.gif In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

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