Bearsy

This is probably a stupid question, but how do I do it?

I was over at my mom's place the other day working with her in her yard and it kind of dawned on me how old she is.
She usually dyes her hair, but she had been neglecting it and I hadn't seen her for a few weeks so she was a lot greyer than I'd ever seen her before.
It just kind of hit me.
She's 60 years old, and I don't see her much.
I don't really know anything about her. I know she's still got(at least statistically, but fuck that) 15+ years left, but I don't wanna wait til its too late.
Same goes for my dad, he's only 56 but with his history it's honestly a shock that he's still alive.

They say no one is promised tomorrow and I realize that and so I want to get to know them while I still have the chance.

None of my family is close, really. I seldom speak with my older brothers, one is in LA and he hasn't answered a single text/call/email/facebook post of mine in like a year, and the other lives with my mom but whenever I see him its only in passing and he never says more than a sentence or two to me.

I'm trying to break the cycle with my younger sisters by being there to listen when they want to talk and letting them know that I'm there for them if they ever want to talk about anything. But as much as I love my sisters, they're not my only family.

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mothernature

Bearsy,

The simple answer is to spend time with them. Take an interest in what they like (whether you are interested or not). Ask them about it. Listen to what they say. Ask questions.

You know a whole lot more about these people than you realize.

SageTree

Hey Bearman,

This is a good topic and one that can be a challenge. I have taken some time to get to know my family and it hasn't always been easy. There have been lots of heat in the family over the years and this has strained the time we've had for the better part of the last 10 years.

I talk to my Grama every Sunday at 10 and now at 1 that I'm on the eastern time zone. This has been invaluable in getting to know each other as all we can do is talk, and to a degree isn't in either of our comfort zones, we have to be 'fresh' each time we talk. That is we don't fall into the roles we know in this house or that house etc....

I chat with my Mom more than anything, but have always been able to talk ok.
My sister and I get along, but don't talk that much... this I do still work at.
I talk to my other Grama and my living Grandad once a month or so...

The person that is a struggle for me is my Dad and the story of why is long. But for the purpose of this post I'll say we have a fresh start and have made sense of our past and agree to talk more. However we don't. I try. He doesn't. BUT he seems happy with what we have now and I have to ask.... 'What does he expect out of this?' 'What do I expect out of this?' and 'How can I make that known and know this?'

The rays of light in all these relationships however has been during times when we've been doing something that puts us outside of our 'normal' roles.

With my Sister, it was her getting older and seeing her new place and meeting her then boyfriend. My Mom and her Husband it was an RV trip through BC, were my Wife and I lived. For Mombo, my grama, it is constantly our talks where we deepen every time we speak.

My Dad has been a hard one to 'get' to. I just try to share the times I feel we have bonded, like when we went out hunting/hiking, fishing and working on cars, while I was growing up, reflecting on them now as an adult. Really letting him know that his life mattered then and does now to me, over and above all the beatings and bruising in the past, that I love him and I want to know about his life now.

That might apply over all here for me. That is.... letting my family know why and that they matter to me. On a self serving basis this has helped me feel like I'm being myself with them and giving them a chance to know me as me. Like I said, for some in my family this was more of a tooth pulling than others, and those others and myself have grown together. On the selfless side, I of course have to move their way as well.

I don't know all the specifics of your life and how you family is with hugs or I love yous .... and that can create a variable as well.

I hope my sharing helps you somehow Bearsy.... you are having a really mature thought that some people never consider UNTIL it's too late. So good on you. Get that ball rolling if you can. Just share your life with them... and maybe you'll get a reflection back. I hope so.

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myxomatosis

You can only do your part, as long as you are doing your part there should be no guilt or bad feelings on your part. If they don't want to bother with family closeness until it's too late then they won't. It'd be a damn shame if that was the case, but permitted you do all you can you can rest easy.

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oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
and why can't that always be
tossing aside from your birches crown
just enough dark to see
how you're the light over me

last.fm
blog deal (updated 12/22/11)

Debaser

One thing you can do, and I hope it doesn't sound goofy, is to make a "family newsletter" and e-mail it to everyone in your family. Just tell them that even though you can't always be together, this is a nice way to keep in touch and keep up to date on what is going on in each others lives. Start off by filling everyone in on what's going on in your life, then you can add perhaps a funny story or two that you'd like to share, maybe a few personal messages, and something fun, like some trivia questions, or you can post some funny pics with an "add a caption" contest...this will encourage people to respond. However, if they don't respond, don't sweat it, you can take comfort in the fact that,as small a gesture as it may be, you are at least taking the time to communicate and keep them in your life.

That's just one thing you can do...I'll come back and add to this as any more ideas pop up, good luck!

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Wouldn't it be great to heal the world with only a song?

Message CM47: Let's go pay some hookers to knock our junk around.

HTAM

^A very non invasive 'olive branch' offered to everyone you want to maintain contact with.

Great idea.

SageTree

This reminds me of something my Wife says from time to time....

You can only be responsible for 100% of your 50% in the relationship.

Now that isn't to say underestimate what that 100% can achieve.

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Lloydy

Christmas is coming up

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Keep the red flag flying high

SageTree

^ yes... buy their love... that always works


i kid.. it is a great time to lay out the thoughtfulness and love

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