Waves

Mine is a tie between

-Getting to the last place of a school spelling bee only to mis-hear the word in the finals, looking like a dumbass spelling the complete wrong word that i actually knew and was easy

-when i was maybe 5 or 6 my mom took me to a play downtown chicago about the ninja turtles. the plot of the play was shredder was building a giant ice machine to freeze the city and i thought it was real, got freaked out, and forced my family to leave the play. the tickets were supposedly expensive, and i was rasied by a single mom who was working 24/7.

ive got some more that i cant remember atm

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On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

The Rev

When I was in HS, I was acting in a play. The other guy onstage was saying his lines, then I was supposed to respond to him. Well, he forgot half his lines, so it looked like I forgot mine when I didn't respond (the part he forgot was a question he was supposed to ask me). At that moment I decided that acting was not for me.



The Rev

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José

dropping a knife and catching it.

jk I never did that but I wish I did.

ColtEtish

hmm I tend to lack any sense of tact these days...so the other night my girlfriend was talking about someone she knew being a slut. I pointed out that she was being a hypocrite as she was a self described "ho-bag" for most of her teenage years and well into her adult life.

She didn't like it at all when I called her a "ho-bag"

Another thing I like to do to piss her off sometimes is ejaculate as fast as possible. The first several dozen times I have sex with a woman I don't orgasm, or it takes at least 30-45 minutes if I am really into it. Once I lure them in I stop trying to please them as much. I will still make them come enough to stick around, but I find it hilarious to be able to control my orgasms enough to come within a minute or two of serious stimulation. I hear that being able to control when you orgasm is a qualification to being a porn star...do I see a future for steve?

So my douchiest moments have usually related to relationships. I am just unwilling to censor my thoughts and more than willing to fuck with anyone who is committed to me. I'm not sure if I am always going to be an ass in this respect, or if I will find someone so awesome that I won't want to be a dick. At this point of my life I find that unlikely. Unfortunately for me I don't have the positive attributes that good women look for in a man. So when I get the hot chick with the amazing pussy she is a fucking retard that I couldn't ever get along with on the level I want...and when I get the woman who meets my qualifications with personality and intelligence she isn't attractive enough for me. I guess I am stuck with stupid hot chicks or intelligent ugly chicks until I make something of myself. And it is really easy to find a stupid hot chick in Vegas unfortunately for me...

I guess my most douchey moments have always involved women. I honestly wish I was queer...if I could take a dick like a woman does I would probably find someone who was successful, intelligent, and interesting. I mean how awesome would it be to hang out with your good buddies who you love, and fuck them too?

Oh and I just drugged my girlfriends Pomeranian with 1/4 of a weed sugar cookie. She probably weighs 8 or 9 pounds and I most certainly gave her a dose that would destroy a human who had low tolerance. I also beat her occasionally...as much as I love dogs (more than humans in most cases) I hate this little fucker. Small dogs are almost never trained to be good pets. They usually bark, bitch, and shit all over the place.

fucking ankle biters...

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Geeno

...

okay moving on.

I'm a pretty awkward douche on the reg so Im gonna need you to get more specific waves.

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Bearsy

When I was 12 or 13 I was at a church camp and each team had to come up with a team name and write a song and perform it to be graded by the rest of the camp.
We were the "Radioactive Penguins" cause our assigned colors were neon green and black. We wrote a really shitty rap and because I was from "the big city" and everyone else was from bumfuck nowhere they assumed I knew how to rap, I went along with it cause I wanted to fit in and I was assigned to do the whole thing.
As soon as I went on stage I forgot everything and stood there blankly for about 3 minutes.
Turned around and walked away without a word.
As soon as I reached the last step I remembered every part of the song and it started playing over and over in my head.
Kinda felt like a dick cause in the end that loss of points made our team come in last place.
To this day I remember the song perfectly.

Did that; felt bad ass for a week.

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Geeno

^looooooooool

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Waves

just any lulz-worthy story of you acting a fool, tryin ta keep it general for maximum sharing and lulz

I went to a Catholic school untiil 8th grade- there were 3 boys in my class and like 11 girls. we had our first dance, which was basically my first time interacting with females, and myself and the other boys in my class were such pussies that the girls had to chase us around and force us to dance with them.

that first dance though, that was it. like oh shit. a whole new world was open. that ended up being the best night of my 11/12 year old life.

yeah catholic school sucks btw.

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On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

HTAM

I once called the cops about my stolen bike. I was already hypersensitive about it, because I to rebuild this bike after it was stripped outside of a store in NY. Anyway, a cop showed up and took a report. He then told me he was going to take a ride around the neighborhood to look for it.

He comes back with my bike in the trunk and the kid who was riding it.
The kid was my friend whose house I had left my bike at because we were drinking the night before.

The Cop says 'This kid said you left your bike at his house, and he was riding it over here when I found him.' I could see the cop was just waiting to enjoy the moment.

I look at my friend, and he's like 'DUDE!!! He thinks I stole it! WTF?!'
So, I said 'Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Thanks'



Man, that cop was pissed. He yelled at my friend to get out of his car when he opened the door, and then he pulled my bike out of the trunk and rolled the bike toward me not caring if it fell over or ran me down. He gets in his car slammed it into drive and booked, peelin out down the street.

My friend said 'What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?' and replied, 'Yea, I'm sorry. But did you see how pissed off that cop was?'

And we laughed.

Waves

just acting this out in my mind was awesome

great contributions so far guys im crackin up/feeling pity/sadness



This one too. specially cuz ive seen pics of teen camp bearsy

__________________
On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

Geeno

One time in 7th grade I looked over at my buddy whos locker was next to mine and hypothetically asked "Wouldnt it suck if your mom was a busdriver".

His mother was my bus driver for the next 3 years. She was a really cool lady.

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Bearsy

Yo. Yo. Yo.
We are the Radioactive Penguins
Instead of two we got three fins
We make some freaky sounds
Glow iridescent green all around
You better realize we don't compromise
We don't got rabies
We might eat your babies
We don't smell pretty
So you can't pity
The Radioactive Penguins!
Word, I'm out!

No joke, I was wearing a green cape too. Running around the stage doing my best impression of a hype man then when the (absolutely shitty) beat dropped I just blanked.

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Waves

i have no idea what you are talking about, that rhyme is better than most hip-hop out nowadays
lol. did u guys remain buds?

__________________
On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

Geeno

lol tbh things were never the same between us and it drifted further and further until we no longer acknowledged eachother

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Sir-Ex

That reminds me of my first dance in grade 6, 11 years old. All the guys that went were too afraid to dance, but not me, and of course all the girls wanted to dance. So every girl in my grade was dancing with me. Must've looked pretty funny, fifteen or so girls dancing in a clump around one guy. I remember my teacher saying I danced well and the music teacher giving me a thumbs up lol, i thought i was a champ that night


But hmm, some random douchy moments from childhood.

When I was in grade 4 during gym class we were doing vault jumps onto a crashmat. I was sick for a week before that and was going through the process of coughing up lots of phelgm. When I hit the crashmat I coughed automatically and a huge wad of phelgm landed on the mat. I was like, 'ew' in my head and just walked away.
About 5 minutes later class ended and as we were leaving, the teacher noticed this wad of phelgm on the mat, so she rounded up the whole class together and asked which one of us had done it and to clean it up. I was like, 'no way that's embarassing cleaning up my phelgm in front of everyone' so I put on a poker face and didn't say anything.
After a good couple minutes of staring down the usual suspects (indeed i was a usual suspect) one of the good kids said, "i didn't do it, but I'll clean it up."
Teacher's like, oh thank you for doing that, but whoever did it really should clean it up, and then she looked right at me.

I responded with no response, and we all waited for the good kid to clean up my phelgm.




In grade 2 when the teacher was going for a bathroom break, I got into her filing cabinet and managed to tear up almost all her files. She quit her job later that year.




This one time in grade 2 as well on the ice rink, this girl i had a crush on asked me how fast I could skate. SO I skated as fast as I could, then I slipped and landed on my ass and felt like a fool.




On my very first day of kindergarten on the first recess, we were playing tag outside in the rain. It was my first time playing tag, and I was having a lot of fun just running around. But when I got tagged by this other boy for some reason I was in my head all, 'NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAGGED', so I punched him and pushed him to the ground. The second after I did it I realized that I'd overreacted.



In Jr. High there was this tall girl with really big titties. In the hall I grabbed each of her titties, pressed my nose up against her chest and blew a raspberry in her cleavage. OY

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Smile

Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

Cerebro

I had some anal with this chick
I cant remember why, but i wiped her ass with some tissues
It was kinda an auto pilot dad moment
But i wiped her ass like it was a kids ass full of shit smears
She jumped at the afrontery

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Lloydy

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Keep the red flag flying high

Mikey

i had crazy diarrhea once and we were walking from my buddy's house to the store across all the snow to get some zigzags

and were walking super slow because it's cold, and well my cheeks are puckered up so tight because i dont want to poop myself and im just begging the world that the guy at the store will let me use the employee bathroom

and what do you know there's ice underneath the snow i slip on it fall on my ass rip my pants and shit all over the snow

the brown on white contrast is quite a show

(this was when I was like 14 btw...not that it makes it any more akward)

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RIP Gov

HTAM

^Top Shelf, Mikey.

" In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life."

kitch

used to be involved in the order of the arrow, the 'secret' organization within boy scouts of america. was involved in initiation skits n such. forgot my lines the first time I was on and just said "shiiitttttt.."

lol afterwards one of the initiates (an older lady) was like 'it really was a beutiful ceremony'

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