Bad dog

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA




To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'



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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup (whatever that is) but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!














PS: Share with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)

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this is where i live

Roach

lol

bring it queenie.

be thankful we allow you to exist.

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לזיין את הקופים

Waves

The brits really dropped the ball on the whole conquering the world thing. Stick to your shitty overcast gloomy island.

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On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

Cerpin Taxt

EDIT: I was wrong.

Meh.

__________________
Step Back. Evaluate. Recognize.

"All memory is really a form of regurgitation of undigested experience."
-Alan Watts

Bad dog

Shut up roach you monkey fucker

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this is where i live

Jester4yall

#13 is awesome

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

Lloydy

We dont want it back. America was a good idea that went wrong, its beyond salvageable now

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Keep the red flag flying high

Roach

How's that euro thing working out.

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לזיין את הקופים

farmergiles

We aren't in it .

This made me laugh.

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

Flamingnun

It's not doing as well as pound sterling...

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farmergiles

Beat you to it Nun!

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

Flamingnun

Eurowned.

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K10

meh...I presume this was written at least 10 years ago if not more.

Also, I take offense to the beer comment. Granted, before the mid to late 90's, craft brews were hard to find outside of their native locales, but that is not the case any more. Thus equating Budweiser with American beer is no longer acceptable. No one except for dumb hicks and people who rarely drink have any taste for that swill and those types don't really count for much anyway.

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Just because you tie dye your wool, doesn't mean
you're not a sheep.
R.I.P. Alice D.

Geeno

^hes right about the beer thing.

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The Rev

I will never forgive you limey tea-fanciers for the prison ships in New York harbor. That was some seriously fucked up shit, even for an orthodontiphobic race such as yours.



The Rev

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farmergiles

IDK, hard to tell. Unless you have spent time drinking ale in both UK and the US.

Quality of ale has gone crazy here in the last 10 yrs or so if you drink discerningly. Our ale is fucking shit hot. How's yours?

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

Lloydy

I like yank beers. Theres a cracking bar here in Falmouth that sells loads of foreign beers and the American ones are among the best.

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Keep the red flag flying high

Terry

I wish I was British. You guys are way classier than us

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I don't know but I've been told,
If you never die you'll never grow old

Mercury

I wish I was a Brit living in the United States and NOT under the Queen's rule.

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Cerpin Taxt

I know it's like the Third Reich over there eh?

__________________
Step Back. Evaluate. Recognize.

"All memory is really a form of regurgitation of undigested experience."
-Alan Watts