Bearsy

So my older brother isn't very friendly(to put it kindly) to our family.

He doesn't make any effort to clean up after his messes, or do his laundry or even say goodnight without catching an attitude.

Whenever I try talking to him about anything more substantive than last weeks episode of Heroes or something, he shuts down.

He's not depressed I think. He goes out with friends all the time, he enjoys that... he just seems to hate everyone he's related to.

How do I get him to open up a bit. Or at least be cordial?

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SageTree

The important thing when talking to him is to not make him feel guilty or bad because that won't bring him back to you for sure.

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mothernature

Have you tried smoking him up? Try to just hang out with him without reminding him about the laundry.

my_scatterheart

How old?

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Bearsy

He's 18 months older than me, he'll be 21 in June.

I actually offered to smoke him up last night and he declined.

I try to hang out with him, I want to be a brother to my brother, but all he ever does is ask me for money when his bank is overdrawn, and complain about "how much a bitch mom is being".

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SageTree

Do you know what else might be going on in his life? Is he satisfied with other aspects? Is there a way you can just say, ' I love you man and I feel like we are growing apart. I want to ask if there is a way I can feel more a part of your life? '

It sounds like you miss him? How has he been with the family previously over the years? Is this out of suit for him?

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Bearsy

Idk, he broke up with his long time girlfriend a year ago. And then got back with her, and then broke up, and got back together... and so on. None of us are really sure if they're actually dating... we all just know that she's playing him.

He seems to kind of be stuck in the whole high school was my glory days, kind of mind set.
He was captain of the swim team, and took our school to championships every year, and won all but once. He had hundreds of friends and was popular and all that, so I guess he really misses that.

He's worked at the YMCA for about 4 years now and he's worked his way up to being the full time Aquatics Coordinator(he runs the pool and everything involved with it). But he's still getting paid like $8.45/hour and gets walked all over by the HNIC.

Other than that I really don't know anything about him.

This is kid of new for him. He's always been a little distant, but never overtly, namean? And all of the distance stuff started before the problems with his g/f and his job. So I don't think those caused the shift in his behavior. They maybe increased it though.

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SageTree

So he hasn't had alot of family bonding time with you guys then? When I was 21 I had alot going on in life too, and was probably neglectful of family contact too.

Just keep trying to love him and maybe try to tell him you wish you guys had a stronger realationship, because to you it seems, that you've done something to offend or distance him. Keep the focus on your open nonjudging feelings of love for him, that you already have, and off the judgemental you you yous.....this doesn't work nearly as well.

My Mom always said you catch more flies with honey than vinager....I don't know why Mom was always trying to catch flies, because she said this alot

Good luck Bearsy. I hope you get the realationship back to talking terms, or perhaps take the conversation to where he is and edge him out of it over time. Just stay interested in his life as much as you can, with your feelings and health in mind as well.

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awwsuga23

im having the same prblems with my little sister but shes like 12 and starting the "pre teen" bullshit so i get it. you should just talk to him about it and ask if theres anything bothering him. or if hes just got alot going on. tell him you would like to have a better realtionship with him because you family are the only people who you realy have in life. anyone else can just walk out whenever.

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We're navigators, we're aviators, we're eating taters, masturbating alligators. Bombadiers, we got no fears, won't shed no tears. We're pushing the frontiers of transcendental perception

badgoalie85

leave him be.

i was like this with my family for years. the only one who's going to be able to finally convince him he's being a prick is himself.

edit: oh and p.s. if he's 21, has a job, and isn't in school, he should move out of your parents house. he'll enjoy life AND his family a lot more if he has a space he can truly call his own.

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Pursue happiness.

To each his own.

Bearsy

He's like 15k in debt or some shit. He's been in 3 car crashes in the past year and wasn't able to work, so he's got tons of credit cards maxed out and in debt. So my mom's letting him live at her house until he gets back on his feet.

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badgoalie85

^well there you go. the sooner he gets out of the house the better off he'll be.

imo anyway. that's how it worked for me.

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Pursue happiness.

To each his own.

SageTree

I was going to comment on that earlier goalie.

I instantly felt better after I had a pad of my own. No doubt that having a simple sense of accomplishment goes a long way. Its work but worth it.

I also wanted to agree to those being good causes for stress as well.

Maybe he feels trapped a little?

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Mikey

I totally agree on the moving out part.
You feel alot better about yourself and become much less of a bitter person. Sense of accomplishment I guess.
I'm 21, and there was a time where I was around 13k in debt (student loans) and credit cards and debts.
I moved out, created a life for myself and still managed to do it all on my own even with the debt.

But then again you can't force any of this on him, let him find his path, and just be nothing but nice and supportive no matter what, and after a while when he catches on that he's got no reasons to be an asshole to you, he'll feel like an asshole and hopefully change.

Best of luck.

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RIP Gov

Bearsy

So it's been a little over a year(I was actually going in the archive to find a different thread when I found this one) and there's been no change...

He got his own place with his best friend, and I never get to see him now, he'll invite me over if he's having a party, but then we get no chance to vibe and he usually sticks me in charge so I can't even party much.

It's weird. He's constantly got people over to his place, games of poker, watching the game, etc. and I never once get an invite to come over if there's less than 20 people coming.

And with my other brother living in Cali, I've got nothing now. It sucks.

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AlteredStateGrl

Well, you really didn't have much with your brother while he was living in the same house with you.

I wouldn't take what your brother is doing as personal. Some people feel better removed. Some people need their space. Like, REALLY need their space. It just kinda sucks when their personality is kind of dickish. I'd just let him be, don't take it to heart, even though that's probably difficult.

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*The sweetest kittens have the sharpest claws.*

verklingen

someday he'll recognize that he missed out on something, and even if he realizes what it is he may not want to admit it to others. you will always be brothers, tho

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“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Mercury

Your bro sounds pretty cool except for the whole disrespcting mom part. You shouldn't allow him to talk to her like that. The best part about brothers is they have the absolute right to check eachother. That's what creates that strong bond.

JcP

Bearsy, my younger brother is the same kind of person...and while I have yet to crack the code, I've made a few inroads that might be helpful...

1) say no. One of the best things I ever did was start saying "no" to the odd invite/expected responses. Not in a harsh way, just "no, thanks I can't." I found that as soon as I took the control away from my bro, who would be vaguely nice to me when he wanted something or when it fit HIS timetable, things got better. I think dickish behavior got him what he wanted: space when he wanted it, attention when he wanted it, and power the whole way through.
Instead, simply by relying on the fact that he DOES want his family, when he no longer gets what he wants by being a dick, he tries harder to be a bit more compromising in how he deals with the family.

2) you're not his mom/dad. This is a hard one, especially if your parents are clueless...I love my folks, but the fact that my brother was falling down drunk almost nightly and they still said shit like "he's just innocent...he drinks a little, but he'll work it out" made me want to pull my hair out. But I found over time that he'll resent you if you try and butt into the issue as a parent.

3) if you do need to engage him, do so through humor more than "honest love" or "let's talk about how we feel." The latter might be the goal, but when people shut down, opening up (ESPECIALLY about love) is nearly impossible. You have to build up a reparte first, and humor is the best way to do it. Even if it's trivial shit like showing him a youtube clip or making a fool of yourself for the enjoyment of people at a party...

anyway, this advice is a bit contrarian, but it's worked much better for me and my bro than other options here. everyone is different, but that would be my advice.

In essence: if he wants to be left alone...leave him the fuck alone...and not just when he wants to be left alone...when he non-chalantly asks for a favor too. Eventually he might come around and put effort into being YOUR friend like you've tried to be his, not just a one-way attempt like it's been

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Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

Kompressor

^ In sales this is known as a takeaway.

Spark a little interest, then make them jump a hoop to get it. Makes them crave it a little more and gives them a sense of accomplishment, almost like they earned your time.

Another control technique is to ask questions. When he asks you to come to a party, ask him all about it: how many people, what events, how much booze, etc... then takeaway. If he starts getting standoffish, ask him a question. It forces them to engage you in conversation.

At the very least you can learn a little more about him.

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Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. -H. Bergson