tedkennedy

yeah, so i went on a 10 day bike tour through vermont. it was pretty awesome i met alot of artisan cheesemakers, really physically challenged myself (vermont is mountainous and i was on a shit bike from the 70's with 35 lbs of gear) and all that good stuff.

now im back, i have found that the job i thought i had in the bag might not accept me and i really dont want to work at some shitty supermarket. all my friends have moved away from this town for good, my brother whom i hang out with is going to graduate school and now i have no clue wtf to do. i need a plan to do something with my life... i am a worm

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matthew munari

AnimalLover420

I'm feeling rather ronerry today too. Sometimes, it becomes very obvious to me that I am a weird girl who has a hard time relating to others. I went to a workout class this morning, and I love going to it. It's all women, and I get a little bit of social interaction from it. But today, I just felt very excluded. They are mostly soccer moms and before class, they were chatting about ball games, children, and vacations. I became painfully aware that I had nothing to contribute to such conversations. So I silently listened to everyone else talking and laughing with each other. I finished the class just fine, but my eyes started to fill up before I even got to my car. I am so sick of feeling like I'm not normal enough to fit in with the rest of the world, it's something I've encountered all my life. There was nothing worth being upset over, but I couldn't keep myself together. I've been a real pussy lately, and it's not something I'm proud of.

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shai_hulud

Well, based on your posts on yahooka over the past few years and what i've learned of you from them, you should be fucking proud to be who you are. Uniqueness beats the hell out of genericness and imo it's their loss they won't get to know you better. I understand that it's a shitty feeling not fitting in, but it's a minor obstacle to overcome rather than trying to be someone you aren't.

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"There are only three useless things in this world. Nuns' nipples, bishops' balls and an employer's praise without a raise."

tedkennedy

yeah... its hard finding people you connect with and it sucks being in a place with tons of people but still feeling like a total outcast. the thing i find is that when i am around my family and few friends i get alot of respect and feel like a really great person but when i am on my own i lose all my confidence because i am starting from square one and feel like i have to act unnaturally to make a good impression and then i just get anxiety and worry about how i should act to impress people.

i have started channeling most of my energy into physical fitness and going to the gym. it helps me feel like i accomplish something and part of me hopes that i can make friends there. for me the key is just to try to remain in a state of mind where i am focused on what i am doing and i try not worry about other people and how i am perceived, then whatever happens i will feel ok. if nothing else being physically fit helps boost my self esteem and gives me something to feel proud of (sort of)

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matthew munari

AnimalLover420

Thanks, Aurora! That's what I was trying to tell myself. Yeah I'm fuckin' strange but at least I'm myself. I typically take pride in who I am, but there are times when it bites me in the ass because I end up feeling like such an outcast. Thanks for your encouraging words, I'm feeling much better now.

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AnimalLover420

I totally agree about the family thing. My family makes me feel like I am the coolest chick in the world (most of them anyway, some of them are batshit crazy but I try not to let them throw me off). Then when I interact with people who don't know a thing about me, they don't know what I have to offer and I sometimes get the impression that they don't care to know either. And I'm with you in that I refuse to act like anything but myself in order to get people interested in what I have to say.

The gym thing is a great idea. The same class that I was bitching about just now is actually something that brings me lots of joy most of the time. I haven't really bonded with anyone in particular, but just being in the presence of other people makes me feel like I'm making progress. Since I've whipped my body into shape, I feel much better about myself inside and out. Let's go pump some iron together, teddy! This is going to sound suuuuuper lame, but I really do wish I could be real-life friends with the people I've met on Yahooka. I've thought about it on more than one occasion. I feel closer to most of you than pretty much anybody else (boyfriend and family aside). Sad, sad, sad but true.

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tedkennedy

^ haha, i can only agree. you are good people.

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matthew munari

al-Mu'akhkhir

I think it's safe to say that just about everyone feels this on some level at some point in their lives. I can say that I was in much the same position as you a year ago, but I guess I've suppressed my weirdness and try to just be as kind to as many people as possible.

I've actually made an art to reacting to people's facial expressions and body language and tailoring my verbal responses accordingly... You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar you know?

I unno. But I can relate teddy.

Good luck, being lonely hurts.

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myxomatosis

I'd have never guessed you to be an outcast AL. I gotta echo Aurora's sentiments.

Ted I've told you what seems like millions of times brother, you're definitely good people, shouldn't have worries in such departments, but that's easier said than done. Glad you're finding a positive outlet for such things, keep it up my friend.

Hypes got some decent advice. I remember being really subdued socially and pretty apprehensive about social situations and worried about everyone else thinking shit about me. I'm not entirely sure how it happened but I started coming out of my shell and suppressing all that bullshit a while back. I'm imagining I just stopped giving a fuck or at least told myself I did and eventually it kinda stuck. And really, fuck 'em. It's a continual process however and something to be tweaked and worked upon.

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oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
and why can't that always be
tossing aside from your birches crown
just enough dark to see
how you're the light over me

last.fm
blog deal (updated 12/22/11)

my_scatterheart

Meh, I dunno. I was and kinda am the same way. For the most part I'm a loner but I do pretty well around anyone I come in contact with. I can talk to anyone about anything. More a survival method than anything.
I smile a lot to strangers and can converse about silly ordinary things. It's brought me a lot of goodness.
I'd encourage you to throw yourself into it. Walk down the street. Smile at strangers. Say it's a beautiful day. Be enthusiastic. Be your most charming self. There's a confidence that is born of it. You get a hang of that and you start to realize that any un/conscious nerves about people is silly. Most people are in your boat. I learned to love the bus. Conversation ranging from the weather to someone's late husband. Their heartbreak and pain. Victories and losses. Many many people in any given town.
No use forcing or longing for connections that don't exist. Friends are transient. There's also no use mourning this kind of passing. People grow and change.
Do things that you love with others and you're bound to find someone else to spend time with. And when it fails, as it will at times, go into the world and find someone to talk to. There are elderly people all over cities sitting by themselves. They all have great stories. You rid the loneliness of two people. Do this to shake your lonelies until you make friends somewhere in your endeavors.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Center

It doesn't matter what you say in social settings, its all about how you say it. I could call myself a complete idiot douche bag infront a group of associates/friends that I know but say it in a way I would just get everybody laughing and having more fun.

Sounds to me like you still havn't broken out of your shell, prolly to due with fear (most problems do). Do you think you have other people on pedestals? Do you think they deserve or are better than you in some ways (from your post I think you do)? If so, why? If not, why? Do you think you have been living in your own little world for so long that you have forgotten how to act "normal"? If so, is it worth it to stay in your world, lonely?

These are things everybody goes through at some point and I just wanted to get you to think about it a little (once you start doubting yourself, stop listening to yourself).

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"As an organizer I start where the world is, as it is, not as I would like it to be. That we accept the world as it is does not in any sense weaken our desire to change it into what we believe it should be — it is necessary to begin where the world is if we are going to change it to what we think it should be." - Saul Alinsky

shai_hulud

I envy where you're at in life, man. physically speaking you seem like your in great shape what with that crazy bike tour, and it goes without saying you are a really intelligent guy. You'll figure this shit out in no time. Best of luck, sir. though imo you don't need it.

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"There are only three useless things in this world. Nuns' nipples, bishops' balls and an employer's praise without a raise."

tedkennedy

werd, the last few posts had alot of good advice and i thank all of you for being supportive and just making me feel better as usual

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matthew munari

Bearsy

I'd been isolating myself for quite a while... whenever I'd get invited to do something I'd make up some excuse or say I'm busy even though all I'd probably be doing is sitting around watching TV or something.
I'm not really sure why I was doing it, but it's an odd place to be, because in a way it's entirely my own fault, but it's really hard to stop.
I've been hanging out more than I used to, accepting invitations and testing the social waters, so to speak and I find it actually hard to do. It's so much easier to stay in and veg or read, but in the long run I generally enjoy myself so much more.
I know where you're at though. It takes a conscious effort to change it man, but it's possible.
If you ever wanna talk one-on-one feel free to shoot me a PM at any time.

Ily Teddy.

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al-Mu'akhkhir

bearsy hit the nail on the head, I used to do the same thing for a long ass time. Now though, I find it fun to go out and put myself into social situations that I would normally be uncomfortable in. Def something to try.

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SageTree

First off I would just like to say how much joy it brings me to see community happening here and all the caring responses. Aurora, you are full of suprises, of special note.

I used to spend alot of time by myself, even now I certainly do. However the time I was thinking of was when I was living in the Midwest by myself and pretty much went to work and came home to do things with myself for almost 6 months. It was pretty challenging to get out and do things with other people, and I'm by no means a socialite now. I really truely felt that I used this alone time to really get to know my inner dialog and what I was thinking. This , in the end, left me with a base of self knowledge that helped me to see that happiness was propegrated by mind. If I wanted people to smile I had to smile as well. I looked through and past many of my assumptions about life, including the 'facts' I thought I was sure of.

Try living in the moment. The journey is the destination, that say. You are here now, for now. Life is always changing, we only have to take notice. In time, with patience life slows and we see the change more easily with a calm mind.

I feel that doing a mental practice of gratitude might be useful to you. Looking for the small things like a cold glass of water or enough toilet paper. Look at the sky and notice how it changes even when we aren't looking at it. It's a monument to fluxation. Take time to be happy about the small things in life. A good bite of food a kind look from a stranger or seeing how your's effects others. How the grass feels in your feet or a pleasant walk. Simply try to notice these small acheivements in life, notice a deep breath, and how good it feels, but also how it passes away as you take the next. Notice what gives you the moments of barability in life and this practice of seeing the good in small things will surely start to move into many interesting places you might have never notice you've taken for granted.

The mindfullness itself can be the sense of pleasure and gratitude. Thankfully make note how your feet feel when you walk or how your gums touch your teeth...what can you notice when you are sitting still? What it touching your skin, what does the parade of thoughts look like in your mind?

Being ever thankful for this time we get to spend in solitude, as it give rise to knowing yourself more, even in the simplest sense of noticing confusion. Don't get caught up in WHY its pleasant or a learning moment at first, just enjoy and recognize the good things with a simple touch.

Metta
Sage

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Bearsy

Look at Number 3

Bummer, Ted.

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