Bit_Roller

Hello all
i've been a member for awhile, i liked reading everyones posts but never responded. i was there when ken was around and mourn his passing..

anyhow i just need to rant so dont mind me

im sitting here wacked out my tree. took a few e's and smoked some good ganja. now i dont normaly do the e so dont worry.

i had a ok job at a computer firm and engaged good woman. our relationship slowly fell apart after i left my job for a partnership with 2 friends in renovations.now we dont make good money but we get by and i love working with my hands and building masterpieces that the client ends up loving. too bad we undercharge.

It ended bad with the girl. her sister was involved so thats how things got out of hand, i kept my cool and moved my shit into storage and ran back home where my mom took me with open arms and help me though this by just letting me stay home with out board. my father is a big gambler and alcoholic and does weed and nerve pills. he had a good job, paying a great salary(over 60g a year) . now he is retired and has shit all.. bankrupted too(him not me)

my mother had passed away last month from lung cancer and i, the youngest of the children she had was there by her side in her final moments. i watched the life leave my mothers eyes 3:19 in the morning. it was a moment that will be forever burned in my mind.

so im siting here thinking all this though (plus more shit on my mind but nvm) and felt as if i just needed to say out on the web... frist time ever doing this.
i had an unlit joint in my mouth this whole time typing this so im gonna lite her up shit back trip on e and weed and listen to some music and rember my mother for the fine woman she was.

at her furnal u should have seen the souls her had touched over her life time. people came out the wood work and traveled far to see her. she never had money (thanks dad, he even gambled her life insurance so she lost the 3 months before she was diagnosed with small cell lug cancer. she fought the battle for 6 moths.

she even folded my clothes for me the day before she went to the hospital for the last time.(i tried to do em and she was laughing at me for not folding them nicely and she demanded i give her the dry laundry to fold.( she was hiding so much pain... she couldent even move in the last few days. ))i did not even notice the double backets but leave in for a lugh for u guy seeing how good im triping right now.

frist time tonight doing e after my mothers passing. im sweating like a pig still looking for a light to light up this joint she listen to some mewllow music.. hell maybe turn on some country and western shit that my mother loved.. doing her line dancing at country bars. but she also like french music, perhapews i should learn my french and start my listening to some great french songs... any tips on songs?

boy oh boy the spelling and grammer correcting i keep having to do im just typing away.
i should stop typin now and listen to some good music chill and read whatever replys i get.

oh by the way i got a new doggy a bosten terrier at 5 months but shes not replacing the other dog i have, he an oldie at 13 yrs and his mouth stinks to high heaven cause of gingervites and he only has his rear set of teeth 4 fangs in front with 2 teeth almost ready for me to pull(other wise they hang for a few weeks and cause pain for nothing) despite this he a happy motherfer that still perferrs chewing on hard food over the soft shit. drinks and eats like a hourse, and i bet you he could still last 3 hour bike ride downtown and back, but im not gonna try on him.. even though he crys for joy when i pull my roller blades then crys of neglect when i leave with out him sometimes. he still pulls my ass and hes 13.. he waS BORN IN MY MOTHERS ROOM (WE BOUGHT THE MOTHER.....sorry caps... and she shagged up in the country place we own(just land but were clearing it my hand(pikes and shovels and axs and saws and a chainsaw. eating corn that was thrown into the fire with the husk still on it.... ohh the memorys. any how born in my mothers room. the mother dog wouldent let me get close unless i fed her freshly sliced apples... everynight id give her about 5 sliced apples slowly so i could spent time with my new pup (at the time old grouchy man now but he still listens to me even if he knew what i order him to do was putting him at risk..example climbing a fing tree.. i made my 45 pound dog climb a tree without me lifting him, but just telling him were to leap to, he nevewr fell and i was always ther to catch him

shit my neigbor is comeing by for a smoke... good trhing i didnt light it
ok ok brb


/rant

Mydriasis

It's good that your expressing your grieving and trying to be really positive about a morbid and sad time. However, when the E let's off is probably a better time to discuss any issues you have with your mom's passing.

Rest in peace momma bit roller .

Much love to you in this moment of your life. If you need to talk feel free to type back here or PM me. take care

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Bit_Roller

i find the e is helping me address my issues. i fought to metion that the whole family including my mother and father brother sisters and myself all keep our emotion in consealed... we dont express the same way as most people were closed in with our emotions and hold anger in ... but we dont get angery easy.. except one of my sisters who angerys easly like my father

speaking of father
he also has something wrong with all his joints so they swell... and takes my mother narcots that they give to cancer patients so he could get a buzz. (we got rid of everything she hid... we bought her a safe to hid em.. but she was afriad he would even get in that so she always keep all her cash and drugs in her purse since shes a light sleeper and never lets out of her sight or side.)

he tried to take some of that money when she was stoned on coma meds... my sisters saw him enter the room and leave 5 min after... the only thing moved in there was her purse and her change purse was open. thats where she keeps the lose 50's that she hid , she told her sister to tell use there was a thousand in ther, and it was for us, the kids, so we checked and she had over 1500 loose in envolpes.. she knew she didnt have much time and no insurance so she saved up as much as she could so that we would not be stuck with the bill in the end.... but her side of the family bought us a piece of land for my mom and the remaining 7 out of 26 brothers and sisters(my aunts and uncles)


wow i am i just rattling on or what........

gonna roll another one and burn with my dad and try to hid the e effects and play off that im tired

brb

Thanx
too bad she never smoked mj with me..
and she looked as if she was gonna try one day, but looked as if she turned away at the last moment, but i even offered her some and assured her she did not make anything akward when she came over to me by the car with my buddiest smoking that j..

sorry i dont know why i edited this post instead of writing a new one

Buds Bundy

i feel ya i had that exact same excperience last year in april when my dad passed away he looked right in my eyes before he passed i know i'll never forget that moment either

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Prosty The HO-Man

Atleast I'm MORON than YOU are

Bit_Roller

yeah its an experience you cannot really describe. i am glade to have been by her side, she did not go out alone i wake by her side for almost 48 hours.

Mafoo

hey man, sorry for your loss. sounds like times are tough, i hope you can find some comfort in your family or friends or whomever you are close with. theres tons of people on yahooka with tons of different backgrounds and lifestyles so im sure you can find someone who shares your situation

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

Mydriasis

Don't stress yourself out about things you didn't do with your moms. Instead, cherish everything you did do.

I remember when my grand-mother died right next to me. Watching her cry on massive doses of morphine was very painful. Then a huge rush of energy just swirled and left the room(I'm schitzophrenic but I swear I am hyper-sensitive to energy). She really didn't want to leave, I don't know many who do. But ever since I felt that energy just move onward out of that plasticy shitty hospital room, I knew she was out there somewere flying free. Away from all the sadness and pain of physical existence in a damaged body. Her energy definitely counter-balanced her temporary pain.

She didn't believe in God(she always said she was a druid), neither do I, but I know her essence looms in a positive infinity.

I'm certain your mom, buds bunny's dad, my grandma and plenty of our other "passed" loved ones are kicking it somewhere. Somewhere where their always high, because there's no restrictions on how well off they are.

I just wish death was more understandable. It's so confusing because it's "written" in a language the alive have yet to learn.

Haha you got me rambling too.

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tedkennedy

it sounds like you are handling things quite well...

you got a good head on your shoulders. sorry about your mother and your father situation.

edit: if i can really offer any advice, not that you are, but try to avoid using drugs to cope with hard times. especially using E by yourself, it distorts your experience and worse, when it wears off you will be left with depleted serotonin levels and could experience serious depression. now is the time to mourn your mother and get some of your life sorted out, knamean?

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matthew munari

Bit_Roller

hey thnx everyone, i just needed to vent out a lil last night

well all is good today feelin fine,

thnx again for the replys and advice.

Mydriasis

no problem at all man. Feel free to post more often you've been here for two years!

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_tyranT

man that part about her folding your clothes made me sad.

Mydriasis

That's the part that made me think, she probably wants his life to go on as normal life even at her time of drastic change.

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Bit_Roller

yeah, wow 2 years i've been on here already. i'll try and post more often.

she was a good mother, always worried about her family before herself.

Sugar420

much love to you BR

i dont know what else to say but ill be remembering you in my prayers 2nite