Bearsy

I've been suffering from some really hardcore depression recently, and my pops has been trying to help me get through it, which I really appreciate.

He helped me get re-registered for college cause I failed out last semester.
I have some kind of problem with me where I stop doing stuff after about a week or two of trying really hard to do well. I don't know what causes it, but it's made me fail the 10 of the last 11 classes I've taken, entirely cause of absences... not due to it being too hard. In fact the lack of challenges are why I think I'm doing so poor.

But anyway, this semester I was really looking forward to going to school... yanno? THIS IS MY SEMESTER AND I'M GETTING ALL A's!
School started September 2nd and I was ready and raring to go, and then I turned 20 the next day and I had the worst birthday I could ever imagine, and my depression got so fucking bad that I only went to 2 other classes since then, so I'm definitely failing this semester as well.
However I've been lying to my parents about it for the past month and a half, going so far as to get on the bus every day and just hang out on campus instead of going to class.

And I don't want to disappoint them, but Idk what to do. It's killing me to lie to them every day but it'll probably be even worse if I tell them the truth.

I don't really know what I'm expecting to get from posting this, but I guess I just need to vent.
Every night around 6pm I start to get really depressed and I get into these funks. I sit up for hours just being sad. I don't understand it.
I've got 2 Xanax in my pocket that I want to take but I feel like it'd be a waste and I should save them til I really need them.
I know everything I need to do to help me get out of this depression, but I'm too depressed to do anything about it.

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Mull D

I have done this before too but I don't really know how to help get you though school because I didn't finish it, but as far as hiding it from the parents well you might as well tell them, and don't put off unregistering for your classes. Lying to your parents is hard on you, it makes for a lot of constant stress but when you come clean you can take that off your mind and take the time and mental energy now to sit back and say woah wtf am I doing? Gl mang

SageTree

Well Bearman,

I'm really sorry to hear of your hard time. I've been through depression and it's not easy to get out of without some help.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer you, and as this seems to be reoccurring I think the best thing can say to do is utilize your on campus resources for counseling. Talking to a professional my help. I have had other problems in my life that seeing a counselor for even a few talks, really helped me see the other end of a dark tunnel.

That is why these people are there, and I truly hope that if you talk to someone you are paired with a very caring person. I wish for you the courage to seek help in some way and the patients and compassion for yourself and those whom you seek for help. You all have the best intentions for you I'm sure.

If you can and think it'd be best to not have the stress of classes right now, try dropping a few and lighten the load a bit.

Much Love Brother and may you feel that love light shining down on you.


ST

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Mydriasis

Yeah I dropped out of college before too man. It was because of depression as well. I took a year break fucked myself up royally but found out that I really do have a passion for learning over most anything else.

The state school I went to was just full of a shitton of assholes, cheeseballs, egomaniac, losers. I felt so fucking alone cuz my family left me on my own and moved out of state. I was cleaning dishes to barely be able to eat and pay the rent to share HALF of a basement in a town-house appartment... I was real into drugs already, but it got pretty bad. I had to be fucked out of my mind to be in a class-room or really to do anything. Then I gave up and pretty much wanted to die, I saw no point in success or happiness.

I dropped out before final's had to pay the 4k I blew, did some illegal shit to pay it up. Dug my whole deeper with my addictions.

Got kicked out of where I was staying cuz I couldn't pay rent(lots of drama behind that but I won't get into it, roomie robbed me). Was homeless and staying at whoevers house I could. Sneaking out of friends houses before their parents woke up is no way to live man...

I had some kind of revelation. I found out what my passions where and realized I wasn't going to let anything get in my way.

Worked some shit out with my parents moved back in with them(thank god). Now I'm in a community college, and I honestly love it. The people are real as fuck and are only there to learn just like me. School is a bit of discipline, and when learning any descipline you have to have self-value and self-worth.

Didn't mean to get into my experience too much, but I think you just need to find out what you need/love and make a promise to never let anything keep you away from getting it. You need to realize this is your only shot man, and all you gotta do is BS some papers, pay attention and try to be interested in knowledge.

Depression is a bottomless pit, trust me I know that, but you can win Bearsy. Start trying to find things in life that you love(try to avoid people aside from family in this excersize). Realize that you have the utmost control over how you turn out in life.

Most cry for help type behaviors are just tests to see if a person has influence on the things around them(imo).not that this thread is a cry for help or anything I'm just saying. Try realizing how much influence you have in this world and that you are only limitted by that which you let conquer you. And if your a human being like me you can conquer anything you try hard enough at with good faith. Even if you "fail" at something it doesn't conquer you unless you let it.

The universe will only let you fail if you think the universe is a failure or failing you.

also don't cut class EVER it's addicting and means that you don't care or you think the teachers/class have nothing to offer you. And even the stones under your house have a message worth looking into(imo).

my 2 cents. Get better bearsy brother, I know you will if you let yourself. <3 &

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my_scatterheart

Sounds like you need to pay for your own classes. You'll be infinitely less compelled to skip if you've put hundreds into it. That, and you don't sound like you want it. Are you sure you're in the field you want to be in?

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Waves

listen to this guy

i was in the same spot you were bears, lyin to the parents about cutting class and whatnot. alot more people put themselves in this position than you are aware of. find your motivation, your passion, and keep on truckin

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On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

myxomatosis

Bearsy my friend, I've gotta say I can relate. I've been in the same boat with depression and I've been in the same boat with failing out of class due to a lack of attendance, boredom with the curriculum, anxiety, depression, laziness and ultimately immaturity. I essentially dropped out of high school, I say essentially because there is a bit of a back story that's involved and ultimately unnecessary as the cut and dry of it is still that I dropped out. I went on to get my GED two years later after much prodding and time wasting for ultimately no reason.

Shortly thereafter I enrolled in a community college, did real well for a real short period of time and slowly but surely stopped going. I then did this the next semester as well. I've attributed this to everything listed above as well as the things I had going on in my life at the time (best friend that was more like a brother since I was about 5 dying at 20), but truthfully what I found it to boil down to is mostly immaturity and laziness.

I realize now that while I could have easily done the work back then, the fact is I wasn't ready for the commitment no matter how much I wanted to tell myself I was. The constant prodding of my mother for me to go to college certainly didn't help as a good chunk of the reason I went was a stupid attempt to appease her that wound up costing them about $3,000 give or take. I never did the pretending to go thing, as that's a little pointless, because frankly you can't very well claim you're too depressed to get out of bed and then do so, hop on a bus, sit around campus all day and then come home and pretend. Well, I shouldn't say that, because you sure as shit can, but frankly it's at that point to me that it becomes more a matter of just being time to push yourself and grow up and just go into the class.

I understand that depression breeds complacency, and how easy it is to show up at campus and spend a class period or a few outside of the class you should be in, but the fact is you eventually realize how fucking stupid and wasteful that is. Your time would be better spent home jerking off or eating popsicles. There is absolutely no sense in going all the way there and not going to class unless you're getting something out of that other than pretending to appease your parents until they get the phone call/letter in the mail from your campus guidance department reminding you to withdraw or attend your classes. If that's all you're getting you might as well cut the shit now, or just bite the bullet and go in and actually appease them.

I gotta side with scatter in that it's a lot easier to putz about when you aren't the one paying for the classes, sad as that may be. I really wish I had some better advice for you bears because frankly as I said I did roughly the same thing and eventually through trial and error and the help of a kind soul or two realized I was being a fucking idiot and needed to get my shit in order and my ass in gear. I'm happy to say I'm currently back in school, three years after doing what you're doing now, doing well in my classes (high B's thus far), with plans to go into nursing. The fact is though, even this much later I've still got the inclination to slide back into the old routine of just kinda fucking off and skipping things for no legitimate reason. It's certainly a learned behavior, and certainly one you've got to make it a point to unlearn.

Smaerd also has a point in that absences definitely have a tendency to snowball. Once you've missed one class, or simply sat on campus instead of going to that class, it's a shitton easier to just continue the trend. I'm assuming you're where I am now and it's midway through the semester, which kinda means it's either time to put up or shut up. If it's not gonna happen this semester do yourself and your parents a favor and withdraw before it permanently fucks your GPA like I did one of those first two semesters and hopefully save some of the money put out for enrollment. But really bearsy you're an intelligent dude, and I'm sure you've got it in you somewhere, you've just gotta find your niche and a reason to do it that's stronger than whatever is bugging you. What are you trying to accomplish by going to school? What degree are you aiming for? What career? Come on man, we're all pulling for you.

For what it's worth, it's my experience that if your teacher happens to be halfway decent and you come to them and say "look, I fucked up, I'll be happy to do whatever work I've missed while also doing whatever we're currently doing" they are rather likely to give you a shot permitted you convince them it isn't just lip service. Sorry for the novel. I guess since sage made such a short post I figured I'd make up for it .

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oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
and why can't that always be
tossing aside from your birches crown
just enough dark to see
how you're the light over me

last.fm
blog deal (updated 12/22/11)

SublimeStylez

It might not be much but at a few points in life I've been the most depressed, angry, strung out person I've come across.

Strangely enough though after enough time, and staying away from drugs(not permanently, just til you can get your shit together) and actually working towards my goals it made me quite a bit more energetic and full of life.

It's funny really, because I used to be a glass half empty type of guy, and now I'm a glass half full kind of guy. I find it pretty funny when I go to work I have to listen to all the people there whine and gripe about there problems when I'm the guy showing up off 5 hours of sleep ready to work a 9 hour shift hungover as shit and approach the day with a smile. It's funny because most of these people don't even understand that I would trade any day of the week my problems for there problems. But shit, I dug my own hole and whining and complaining about it isn't going to help me, just gotta grit my teeth and keep moving on.

I suppose I'm rambling here but the point is: Life is way to short to continuously be in a depressed hole. Figure out what's irritating you and leads to being depressed, make a list and be proactive about it rather than procrastinating, its the only way to get out of that hell hole.

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Angelo

i agree with sagetree, try talking to someone, it realy helps

hope you get yourself out of this shit, its a bad circle

Mikey

its time to man up and go to school.
or get a job.
the cure to depression is keeping busy and accomplishing something.
tough love bearsy

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RIP Gov

Dr. Nick Nasty

from my experience, a good support system can make all the difference in managing depression. best of luck man.

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The true [classical] liberal, in pursuit of fixed principles, must never have fixed political alliances. They must change based on the ruling rationale of the moment.- Lew Rockwell

SageTree

This is true of life overall I feel. Really good advice Nx2.

Hope you are feeling well Bearsy and your mind is rest easier.

All things shall pass and this is just a bump in the road. Once you get a few things settled telling the parents might be a good idea, but don't sweat it. Just get a game plan.

We love you man...even with out all that bud light

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Bearsy

Thanks for the replies. I've got another counseling appointment on the 27th... I don't really want to go cause all she's gonna do is give me pills and then stick me in group therapy. Neither of which are things I want or feel I am ready for.



These are a lot of the things have been gnawing at me for the past few months. I figured it'd be best to write them down. Not sure why I thought that but whatever. In no particular order...


Life extension treatments won't come around fast enough to benefit me. Even if they did, I don't have anything to live for, I just exist.

Browsing my friends' Facebook/Myspace photos makes me sad as they always seem to be having lots of fun with people and I never do.

I've been in love with the same girl for about 3 years and there's nothing I can do about it.

I wonder if I am wasting my youth when I can't sleep at night. But I don't know how to change and I'm too scared to do anything about it.

I sometimes sit and just stare at my monitor wondering why, despite all the internet at my fingertips, I feel lonely and bored.

Just because that girl smiled at me, doesn't mean she's into me.

I laugh at Depression Dog pictures because most of them hit too close to home.

About 80% of the time, I'd rather do drugs by myself and just lock myself in my room than do them with other people.

Anytime a girl shows interest in me, I automatically assume there's something wrong with them, to like someone like me.

I completely skip out on sleep 2-3 nights a week, because the period before I fall asleep is always filled with thoughts and inner-reflections that tear me to pieces.

I find more camaraderie and acceptance and love on anonymous internet forums than I do from my own friends and family.

I'm not suicidal, and I never would take my life... but I find my thinking more and more about how it wouldn't make a single difference to anyone if I were to die right now.

I get so pissed off when people complain about their relationship problems. I would love to have problems with a relationship, because I'll at least have had one.

And then just today I had 2 tickets to see AC/DC and I couldn't find a single friend who wanted to go with me. That fucking killed me, guys. $100 tickets and I was giving one away and the only person who wanted to go was Blue Dolphin(yes, from Yhka).
I ended up giving them to my brother and he never even said thank you.

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stateofkane

After quitting meds almost 3 years ago I learned to accept my fate that I will always be depressed. I know it sucks. I sometimes think God is punishing me or fucking with me. Some people are just going to be depressed no matter what they accomplish or what treatment they do or don't do.

I thought school would ease my depression. I still feel guilty all the time and my anxiety got worse. I keep thinking being in a relationship with a really nice girl would make me happy, but I was much worse when I was in that. She was 100% perfect for me so there is nothing anyone can say or advice that I didn't already take.

The next person who says something like, "there are newer drugs out there and you should talk to your shrink" is going to get their lights punched out by me.

I do sleep every night and always have so you probably have it worse. If it makes you feel better I have only 1 friend IRL.

my_scatterheart

You seem pretty apathetic and way too contradictory.
Don't be such a downer, because it will only propel you further into this shit. You have to make a conscious effort, and if that's too much for you, then it's too much for you. Self inflicted.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

BibleGuy

Hey Bearsy Bro,

There's a bunch of good advise in here. I've been depressed before too and suffered from terrible anxiety most of my life. Xanax is calming, but be aware that it is a depressant. I'm no psychologist but I can tell you some things that help me:

I play positive-message music that I like. Stuff I really like that lifts my spirit.

Sing songs that I like to myself... in the car, on a walk, etc., again, the positive messages lift my spirit.

Sometimes I play music that speaks to what's bothering me. It helps me to know that someone else, like the artist, understands.

I like to spend time outside in the sunshine taking in the simple beauty of nature. Same at night under the Moonlight.

After deep evening meditation in smoke I always feel better, more relaxed and centered the next day. I don't personally take anything else and I dumped all of my Rx's. (I'm not advising you to do this, its just what I chose to do).

I attend drum circles with a bunch of cool folks from all walks of life, for two reasons:
- To join with other others in a circle of music, peace and oneness.
- To meditate. I give thanks, smoke, close my eyes, lose myself in the rhythm and... dissolve. Very therapeutic and often profoundly illuminating.

I pause to breathe... deeply... slowly... and center, when I need to. It really does help.

I read a good book and watch good movies.

I remember/repeat certain scriptures, quotes and good words to myself to remind me of good things. There's one by Mark Twain that reminds me that I'm on the right path.

Also, if I was depressed right now I would personally seek the advise of a good herbalist. Pharmaceuticals are not the original way provided by the Creator.

I've found one good friend who I can talk to about anything. If you don't have someone close to you like that right now there is always this forum and, although it's not quite the same, we love you Bearsy.

Hang in there brother... find your passion... eliminate things you don't want or that get you down. You are a little piece of God, Bearsy, and thus part of all of us. You are priceless. And you have a very cool name.

pacman

whatever happened to that hawaii gig bearsy? what you need is a getaway to enjoy the finer things. take a road trip to florida. there's some yahookans down here that want to hang with you

SageTree

Bearsy, I think it's cool you have the courage to ask for some extra help with your feelings. You are voluntarily going, just be as honest with her as you are with us. It fair that you gage you trust level.

The first appointment is usually talking and assessments, getting some ground work down. Counselors, unless they have a ph.d, can't prescribe meds, that would be a different appointment. Family doctors can write them for this reason, even though counseling is a specialty. However, counseling and meds often have better results than just meds alone.

You are allowed to ask for the kind of treatment you want. You can say how can we do this without them. Change counselors if you have to. I wouldn't be inherently worried about meds. There are doses and kinds that are more temporary and sometimes can make the initial bumps easier to handle. Some times there is a genuine chemical imbalance and you are just being dosed for ease. So be open to anything that might help.

Ultimately, I feel a lot of the things you wrote are signs of depression, which is feelings of being down even when you take action to be more up feeling. Sleep disturbance too little/too much, doubt that you can't reason out/diminished confidence, loss of interest in things you enjoy, And to sum in all up

simply not being able to see the light at the other end of the tunnel.

There are many reasons internally and externally that can get you to this point and feeling.

You experience things, just as much as you help create the experience.


So do try to commit yourself to your well being. Make them work to help you as well, they are specialist, not experts. It's a relationship. I think if you tell your list of things to the doctor and just open up a bit and try to get helped your way and meet in the middle of challenge and comfort, you'll do well.

I went to a counselor for a few sessions, and this guy almost really just pissed me off. I just gave him respect for being a person I trusted to help, he asked some hard questions. He didn't like that I smoked herbs, but that didn't make him stop helping. I told a long list of stories and afflictions and it really came do to working with two problems. For me it was Guilt and Anger. We didn't so much talk about what caused them, although the stories are useful. What I was shown were cognitive means to feel the arising, see when it starts happening, and what to do with it, should it happen, which it does .I only went to Dan like 4-5 times, no meds.

I feel that it really helped me steady the boat enough to get a breath and have a second to think about how I'm going to sail this ocean of life.

We can't makes the ocean. We can sail in better waters and we can learn to be good sailors ready for many situations, but we will have storms that we need to forge through.

This is how I feel the experience was for me. I was also involved in a Buddhist styled mindfulness meditation group, and this also helped me through my concerns because Buddhism is essentially a means for looking at the mind to find liberation from with in. My wife even has went to Buddhist psychologist and had really good results. There are alot of styles out there to be learned from. Most mindfulness book with a Buddhist base are written for everyone and not exclusive. Often time I find the 'voice' of the author as comforting and logical as the advice and means given.

Pema Chodron has some amazing books about using your will to break out of habitual behaviour, which I feel is the other part of depression. The vicious circle down and in.

Using down and in in a good sense is where I feel the greatest answers will come from, down inside your wish to be happy, which is inside you.

All the good things to you Beasy. Just remember why you are going and who its for. You

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