So, what now? - Page 4

The SARS Volta · 02-09-2010, 09:25 PM

it's actually been one month. i haven't gone out of my way to resolve anything since i feel this isn't my obligation--although i have a good idea of what's going on here.

say the distance goes months further? that serves as enough evidence he's not worth 2 squirts of duck shit on a friend hierarchy scale. i can't waste my time on that. friendship is give-and-take rather than give-and-fake.

vickyyy? · 02-09-2010, 10:15 PM

oh lawd i can't read. and you're very right. but maybe he's thinking along the same lines as you, and he's waiting for you to confront him. idk. i would have the same mindset as you if i were in that situation.

The SARS Volta · 02-09-2010, 11:42 PM

him sharing a hands-off/i'm-waiting-for-you-first approach that i got right now is quite possible. we're on the same wavelength in respect to a lot of other areas of thought as well, and often want to think everything through before reaching final decision.

i understand where hesitation comes from before bringing up sensitive topics; to avoid wording the main message wrong or saying something easily misunderstood, hence turning the listener away from the speaker for good. waiting too much and over-rationalizing can be equally damaging IMO.

Psilocychosis · 02-10-2010, 12:15 AM

I'm also in a situation similar to this. But your friendship and sex are two different entities. If you want to salvage the friendship, talk to him. Explain that to him. Let him know you won't be that risk factor (unless you actually want to be the risk factor). If something happens later down the road, so be it. But it seems what you are after is to salvage your old relationship, talking is the only way to do that.

The SARS Volta · 02-10-2010, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xMSx

I'm also in a situation similar to this. But your friendship and sex are two different entities. If you want to salvage the friendship, talk to him. Explain that to him. Let him know you won't be that risk factor (unless you actually want to be the risk factor). If something happens later down the road, so be it. But it seems what you are after is to salvage your old relationship, talking is the only way to do that.

This is my exact outlook on said predicament.

Adversely, some expressed opinions argue when friends & sex coincide, the combination is a 'point of no return' once the original atmosphere for noncommittal boning begins to shift.

In this age of 'hookup/no-strings'-activity, many still harbor confined, idealistic and insular views of sexuality. A variety of argument exists about defining 'proper' conduct v.s. what sexual behaviors are detrimental in a social context.
IMO sex shouldn't indefinitely lead to a 'dating-or-desertion' ultimatum between persons. If I talk to him only to discover he is narrow-minded and feels entitled...it will be a letdown to say the least.

The SARS Volta · 02-22-2010, 07:27 PM

Update, Round 2:
Still ain’t heard from my long-lost friend in question. I gotta grant utmost credit to scatterheart's level of accuracy in prediction and wisdom for what I’m about to share.

Spontaneously I cross paths with a force to end a long reluctance with entertaining the notion of commitment. Recently, I met a dude who seems to be what I kept holding out for! Finally the moment arrives & I am ecstatic. Indecision is out of the picture this time around.
He’s reliable, mature, intelligent, an artist like myself, laid-back...plus it doesn’t hurt he epitomizes every physical quality I’m drawn to—all wrapped up into a fine piece of man-candy. We respect each other’s space/schedules so not to get overwhelmed in other important areas of our lives. Nice balancing overall and appears highly promising. Levels of attraction are through the roof.
I remain (more comfortably) undecided about dealing with my friend’s bailout. It was a bitch-move on his part; I’m not quick/eager to overlook traitor bullshit. Alternately if I threw in the towel earlier on and dated other dude just to save our friendship, despite vast doubts about everything…it would’ve prevented finding greater satisfaction with an ideal match.

/corny

SmokeaJoint · 02-22-2010, 08:31 PM

Glad things worked out in the end. At least, it seems to be an ending. My mindset is, if a friend had nothing to offer to a relationship ( if there is no give, only take, take, take) then I harbor no qualms about kicking them to the curb.

my_scatterheart · 02-23-2010, 01:17 PM

It's not nearly an ending. Definitely a promising start though.

SmokeaJoint · 02-23-2010, 02:54 PM

I'm happy for you.

toastyroach · 02-28-2010, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The SARS Volta

UPDATE:
I have not spoken to him whatsoever and I don't plan on initiating contact.

A close friend of this guy's--our friend but primarily his--solemnly reveals that he:

(a) had his eye on me in the first place but he hadn't enough confidence in my willingness to date him.
(b) now doubts his ability to control himself around me in terms of faithfulness to his current g/f (--"you were his first choice as far as possibilities; he's way more attracted to you but finds you are out of reach...so you might say he settled.")

that's the deal. for whatever reason, he can't man up enough to deal with this himself so i hear all this in an indirect fashion. there's no doubt that i grant others far better consideration than he did for me.

yeah... He could of told you that... but really, let's face it... stuff simlar to this has probably happened to you before, and you have probably done similar things to others before too. (i know i have and all single friends/even ppl I don't know that well have done the same). That doesn't mean you shouldn't be pissed off - I would be too in a similar situation. But let's face it - this is part of the game, and trust it it just gets worse and more fucked up as you get older... It's not worth you wasting any energy and saying anything to him about it at this point. I would just let it go; especially under the circumstances, he probably still wants to be with you, and I bet if *you* wanted the same you could easily get back togeather. It's obvious here that you by far have the upper hand here. If you really do want to be vincictive though; which sometimes can lead to you forgiving the person; you can use this power to fuck with him as much/little as you want as to make yourself feel better about the situation. You're a woman, so I don't think I need to go into details on how you would do this lol =P

Quote:

Originally Posted by The SARS Volta

In theory, friends with benefits is a wonderful idea while in practice, it wont always end as favorably as it began. Obviously this is a constant risk-factor. Regardless, I refuse to accept the beloved naysayer quote, ''it never works out'' an ultimate truth on the matter.

In fact I have reconnected with old friends, made new & had no issues moving on in the intimate sense. The fact is, the guy went out of the way to prove himself a one-of-a-kind companion, I gladly reciprocated the support...but there's nothing to show for it now.

I've never hooked up with an ex fling; but I guess I've heard of it happening =P. To me it's not worth it, easier & more fun to find something new... and if you can't, better off w/ your hand then to come running back lol. Unless they were super hot and had amazing sex - then it might be worth reaching out to them haha.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The SARS Volta

At this point I can confirm that ignoring him is my final decision and what I've done thus far--and also that there is no chance of getting back in my pants. Perhaps in the future, I will hear him out. The situation can't be easy from his perspective either but I have lost a lot of respect for him.

I agree 100%. Ignore him and move on... this is almost always the best answer to any similar issues - calling or texting just turns off/pushes the person away, and not calling makes them think they cant have you and makes them want you again. although I have to admit - you're not really in that situation IMO and you shouldn't really be that pissed at him. He really didn't do much wrong to you - he liked you so much and was a complete pussy that couldn't even make the move... so if anything, he's a self concious un-confident vagina that you wouldn't want to be with anyway... If you disagree with that statement... then really I don't see how you could be mad at the situation. If that's all he did, it's really not much - in fact I feel for the poor bastard. Trust me, I'd be the first to call him out for being a dick... but cmon, not making a move because he was scared? You must have done worse to others and others must have done worse to you. At least I know I have...

PS, I realize this reply is probably very stale... but I'd rather read/reply in order

The SARS Volta · 03-01-2010, 01:13 AM

UPDATE: THE PLOT THICKENS!

Word is, my former friend & his Plan-B girlfriend split. If he's upset I'm not insinuating I'm a victor at the expense...but to mention everything has taken an ironic twist.
Here's why; I & aforementioned newguy I recently met been getting to know each other & steadily growing closer. It's looking great between us so far. He introduced me to family, friends, coworkers. We share an endless list of qualities/interests in common. Like I said it's early on so I will refrain from jinxing the budding union. Haha.

Now that tables are turned & I saw the way the exfriend dealt(failed to) when the going got tough, my perspective shifts. The quality of his friendship is flat-worthless after disloyalty reared its 2-faced-head.
I can't, in good conscience, give a shit about/include him in my life any longer & refuse association for a good, LONG time if at all again.

In a sense this is justice seeing as new dude is a real catch--not something I said with so much conviction ever before now. Nothing I would change about him if I could. Turning others down was a right move as he symbolizes somewhat of a light at the end of a grim passageway.

Sir-Ex · 03-01-2010, 09:30 AM

and hey if that doesn't work you always got me

02-10-2010, 12:15 AM	#64 (permalink)
Psilocychosis Reelin' in the Years Join Date: May 2007 Location: The Long and Winding Road Posts: 469 Thanks: 22 Thanked 58 Times in 49 Posts	I'm also in a situation similar to this. But your friendship and sex are two different entities. If you want to salvage the friendship, talk to him. Explain that to him. Let him know you won't be that risk factor (unless you actually want to be the risk factor). If something happens later down the road, so be it. But it seems what you are after is to salvage your old relationship, talking is the only way to do that. __________________ Life gave me lemons, I didn't make no lemonade, threw the fuckin' lemons back and busted out the Cabernet

02-23-2010, 01:17 PM	#68 (permalink)
my_scatterheart Today, I am alive. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: NJ Posts: 3,565 Thanks: 1,486 Thanked 3,328 Times in 1,870 Posts	It's not nearly an ending. Definitely a promising start though. __________________ Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

03-01-2010, 09:30 AM	#72 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 11,416 Thanks: 1,726 Thanked 3,820 Times in 2,258 Posts	and hey if that doesn't work you always got me __________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

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02-09-2010, 10:15 PM	#62 (permalink)
vickyyy? joined the dark side Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Jorja Posts: 134 Thanks: 20 Thanked 48 Times in 32 Posts	oh lawd i can't read. and you're very right. but maybe he's thinking along the same lines as you, and he's waiting for you to confront him. idk. i would have the same mindset as you if i were in that situation.

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