The SARS Volta

All right, this sucks for me. I was always aware that an unfortunate closure was inevitable, whether this ending was of my calling or his. However I was not prepared. Finally, I must face this reality.

This friend and I have been kickin' it for about a year. We quickly grew close and became inseparable companions, thanks to good times and overall understanding of one another. Soon, we were hanging out every day.
Over the months that this was going on, I and other mutual friends/insiders both suspected he had feelings for me. I soon found this to be the truth: he would spontaneously give me something nice and I could tell he was comfortable around me. After some time, sex ensued.

He played the initiation toward me extremely carefully. It was prolonged since he didn’t want me to feel I was being utilized for sexual purposes, knowing other guys had attempted to do so in the past and I didn’t respond well to it.

Afterward, we continued to have as fulfilling of a friendship as always. There was no residual awkwardness or uncomfortable vibes with the addition of sex in the picture. In fact, it was awesome for both of us and we kept doing it regularly. I didn’t know/care whether he was banging anybody else at any point; I knew he would have to return to college in time and he was first and foremost, my buddy. But all signs pointed to him not having any other relations in addition to me, and he never asked me if I was being exclusive with him either. There was never any tension, arguments or drama.

Eventually he had to go back to his out-of-state university. Neither of us do long-distance relationships (or have any desire to) so we said goodbyes for that period (until the next semester break) and agreed we were thrilled to have met each other that summer. I had known he was enamored with me, while he was equally aware that I wasn’t secure with investing myself in him.
As promised, we did see one another on breaks and picked up where we left off.

Recently, he left this college-afar for good, coming back to our mutual area to take time to decide on what he wanted his major to be and go to community college instead. I was happy about it and we talked about how it would be cool to see each other regularly with this change. But now circumstances face a high probability of not being that way.

Suddenly, he’s got a girlfriend.

I am not unreasonable—from what I know she is very nice and well liked, AND he and I were never officially committed, thus there is no room for malice or jealousy from me. What I’m worried about and saddened over is the possibility that we won’t hang out.

Given how well I know him, I believe he fears that it’s impossible for us to quit having sex and resume normal/formal friendship guidelines, since it went on for a long time and never stifled anything else (certainly, I would not be ok with facilitating any cheating either) and we were both sexually enthusiastic about each other. It would be a challenge to modify this pattern in my mind, but certainly never impossible.

Regardless, I’m devastated that I may have lost something that meant a lot. We were always good to each other. I have no idea how to adapt, or even propose to. What should I do?

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(fiance)

Sir-Ex

Make it a rule that you two won't fuck and try and hang out. If that doesn't work, then that doesn't work and you'll just have to accept it.

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Smile

Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

The SARS Volta

I should add:
I realize that there was a lot I could have contributed, that I failed to in terms of asserting myself. I withdrew due to the once-pertinent long distance factor, as a result of wariness to becoming involved with that in consideration.

Now that the distance has been eliminated I have some self-resentment at the moment.

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(fiance)

farmergiles

It's going to be awkward for him, if he hangs out with you it'll probably piss her off.

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

The SARS Volta

Oh, that goes without saying. I haven't the slightest idea how to go about that proposal, but I'm certain it won't be advantageous to do so this quickly in relation to the new g/f without coming off all butthurt and hypocritical.

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(fiance)

Sir-Ex

Well do you wanna be just friends or do you want him to be your man?

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Smile

Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

The SARS Volta

I agree that this is probable. I don't want this to be troublesome for anybody...but he would probably (rightfully) address me as a friend and not an ex-girlfriend to her since we did not have an officially declared relationship or officially declared break-up.

Man, fml

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(fiance)

The SARS Volta

I want to be friends, and have no intentions of getting in between anything. What I'm saying is, I have doubts that he will want to be friends with me--because of our recent past, i might be a risk factor in his eyes. Which I can understand.

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(fiance)

farmergiles

Sorry- fml?

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

Sir-Ex

Yeah that is tricky. Obviously to her it wont matter how he refers to you - as a friend or a girlfriend - you guys fucked and that in itself makes you two more than friends, and she'll probably be wary of you.

Unfortunatley he has the reigns in this. It'll be up to him to explain to his girlfriend that you two have a different kind of relationship that no longer includes sex and there is no desire for romantic entanglement. And it'll be up to him to stand up to her if she doesn't like that.

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Smile

Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

AlteredStateGrl

^for the motherfuckin' lose...i think?

and although he may not refer to you as an old "girlfriend" she still may figure out you two were friends with bennies. i dunno though.


sir ex nailed it. imo.

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*The sweetest kittens have the sharpest claws.*

Dezzy

Thats the exact same kind of relationship im currently in. We started off as friends and then ended up hanging out quite a bit and having sex. We have never talked about being exclusive with each other or anything like that. Were both at a point were we just want to be friends and have fun. If either one of us hook up we agreed not to tell each other and im fine with that.

But like your situation i know its gonna suck if she finds a BF or i find a GF because we both really enjoy the friendship,the sex and hanging out with each other and weve already talked about when the time happens how were probably not gonna be able to hang out and it really sucks. I just hope she dont get a BF soon cuz i dont plan on having a GF anytime soon.

All of our friends wonder why we dont just get together and neither 1 of us can give them an answer. Just a really weird situation.

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"You want to have sex with The Max"

LOL

The SARS Volta

'Fuck My Life'

I know. I feel that my part in this would be to address him privately and that's what I'll do once some time has passed and I know exactly what I want to get across ( and with careful wording).

I am not primarily concerned with what he decides to disclose to his g/f and not anticipating a shitstorm either way--I won't be having sex with him now regardless that it happened a lot before and will make that clear. Should he tell her something that makes me sound suspicious and she 100% disapproves of me, I guess nothing is left and I'm in for much worse wounding than this. Then again, it's not protocol to tell your significant other all about everyone you boned in the past/identify them.

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(fiance)

The SARS Volta

Indeed. We probably would have had understandable answers, but they are null&void now.

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(fiance)

AlteredStateGrl

Ahhh! I see now!

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*The sweetest kittens have the sharpest claws.*

~1~

Okay, forgive me for being the crass asshole I know I can be but...


What the fuck does the sex have to do with the friendship? If you liked hangin' out before I really don' see why it should be anything different and if his girlfriend can't get over the fact that your friend has *gasp* probably had sex with other women before then maybe she isn't cool enough with life for your buddy to deal with.

Take the 'love' aspect out of it and you got a couple of friends making each other feel good, or making themselves feel good with the help of a good friend. I mean fuck, Johnny brings over a twelve pack, really shouldn't piss off Bill since he used to bring the beer...

Okay, not the best analogy but you kinda get my point.

So, bottom line, if it felt good, great. Someone else is gettin' the feel goods now and thats great too, with any luck someone'll come along and fill that little void for you (pun intended) it really doesn't need to affect any other part of the relationship, there's plenty more intimate things to do than fuck so why should it make anything difficult?


If we could just get the fucking out of the way, imagine what we could go on to create with that energy and time, fuck like shaking hands and move on to the important shit.

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The SARS Volta

I suppose that me fully relating to these sentiments deems myself a crasshole as well. This mindset is ideal, but I doubt it will be seconded. There is no 'love' component aside from the affection I have for this guy as a genuine bro--which is a heavy lovesauce in itself. My concern is finding a way to help him understand where I'm coming from.

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(fiance)

Dezzy

Soon as i read your thread Sars it instantly reminded me of my current "relationship". I love it but i hate it 4 multiple reasons we are BestFriends i love it cuz were open but i also hate it because everytime im with a girl she is what i think about and shes said the 1 dude she was with all she could think about was me. Thats the extents we goto talking about other partners if it was more we would both get jealous.

We had a nice talk tonite though about how if we dont find anybody that makes us feel the way we do by the time were 28(4yrs) that we are gonna become a couple. It sounds stupid but i can very easily see this happening. The reason we arent a couple is because we were both in previous long term relationships and were so young that we didnt find it fair that we couldnt go out and see what it out there. Weve been doing this 4 about a 18months now and it seems like the 28y/o thing is gonna happen sooner.

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"You want to have sex with The Max"

LOL

SpankyMcLankey

have you even talked to him about this much? maybe you don't even have to? lol

The SARS Volta

If I could give you any advice...please do not risk waiting on it for much longer. I can attest, this ordeal is fucked, especially when you know you could have done differently to change circumstances. Of course, I can only speak for myself but it's all relative.

We had been friends for a year, w/inclusion of having sex for 8 months or so. Here I am, shortly thereafter, facing the possibility of a total loss. The worst part is, all of this was entirely under my control and (ironically) I ended up fucking myself. You never know how soon or when it's going to be jeopardized.

Don't subject yourself to the turmoil I am experiencing right now--it is perhaps one of the worst regrets--and I have had a lot. Jump on it for real this time, and it sounds as if she will be all yours.

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(fiance)