fucked up day.

tedkennedy · 02-21-2010, 02:31 PM

4 days ago i got dope for the first time in a long time of not doing any opiates.

at first i thought to myself, oh it aint no big deal, you can just be responsible with it, not use it every day etc...

so anyway, the second day i have it iinject 3/4 a packet before 0rgo class and the shit basically makes me retarded, i go to class moshed out of my gourd, i cant even see straight. i go home and spend the entire day in bed only getting up to puke.i cant eat or drink anything for the next 7 hours without puking. then finally when i can hold down food i inject the rest of the packet that contains my congealed blood. youd think i learned my lesson from this but when you have dope rational thought goes out the door

today i tell myself, dont shoot up, spread it out, etc... but idk what happens and i find myself prepping a full packet. i inject the shit and black out for at least an hour. when i wake up i am sitting in my computer chair and my head is on the floor. basically i blacked out and fell backwards out of the chair. my spine was horribly contorted this entire time and i was in excrutiating pain. i have to use my arms to pull myself out of the chair and crawl onto my bed. at this point i feel like i am about to die. my first instinct is to take a shower, so i stumble to bathroom. i look in the mirror and i cant see straight at all, i am disturbed by teh fact that my eyeballs are facing opposite directions. i can barely take off my clothes to take a shower because my body is so fucked up from being contorted while i was blacked out. i crawl back into bed scared to fall asleep because i might not wake up, and i cant tell my folks becuase i dont want them to know i did drugs. when my mother comes in, i get up and pretend to be doing school work on my computer for 10 seconds, and then revert back to fetal position in bed so that i dont vomit. for the next couple hours it it is impossible to lift my head without puking, even now as i type this i have to take breaks or i will have to vomit.

i am just so lucky i didnt die today. so damn lucky.

now i remmber why H is so bad.

Grieves · 02-21-2010, 02:37 PM

Relapse is never as bright as the first few times, and it just magnifies all the reasons that one would want to quit in the first place...

It seems like you have realized that and know what to do....You are overly stronger than your weakest moments make you feel...Gl on the road back...

Captain Cannabis · 02-21-2010, 02:40 PM

be careful dude. i'm not saying you should have known better, but at least now you do know. you can't control yourself when you have this drug. i'm glad you are alive.

take this as a lesson instead of dwelling on it as a failure

Waves · 02-21-2010, 02:42 PM

ted

i dont even wanna say anything cuz ive never had to wrestle with the demonic force that is opiate addiction. i just know that shits strong. keep up mang.

just remember your life is your choices brother

Sugar420 · 02-21-2010, 02:49 PM

i dont know what to add but my prayers and love go to you ted, im so glad youre still with us, please keep choosing to live.

my_scatterheart · 02-21-2010, 02:54 PM

We all falter.

**SageTree** · 02-21-2010, 03:08 PM

Glad you're okay Ted.

Take care of yourself.
One day at a time.

José · 02-21-2010, 03:22 PM

holy crap and I thought I had problems to deal with.

hang in there tk, just do what you did last time to quit.

Oceans 80 · 02-21-2010, 03:26 PM

man...don't forget what it's like to be dope sick homie...thats the only thing that has kept me from relapsin lately...i still remember the withdrawals

thats also my biggest fear...forgetting what the sickness was like and gettin high and catchin a habit again..

i really don't want to go back to that shit

glad to see you're still alive..keep your head up

do you have any guilt for using? when i was tryin to quit...id get this really bad guilty feeling for getting high...

tedkennedy · 02-21-2010, 06:04 PM

thanks for the support everyone.

yea i feel pretty damn crummy about it. i dont know what went through my brain, the day before i said to myself that iwould never inject more than 1/2 a packet. but i think the addict personality always wants to get more fucked up even though i know its too much.

after im done with this stuff i probably wont touch it again. its way too destructive. it basically takes over my entire life and disables me from accomplishing anything

José · 02-21-2010, 06:34 PM

sounds like it dude, that's a good plan. the quicker the better.

my_scatterheart · 02-21-2010, 06:37 PM

The "I will never inject more than 1/2" is what gets you dude. 1/2? Like that's better than 1, right? It's really funny, the things we can justify to ourselves to get us by.

**Mafoo** · 02-21-2010, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tedkennedy

thanks for the support everyone.

yea i feel pretty damn crummy about it. i dont know what went through my brain, the day before i said to myself that iwould never inject more than 1/2 a packet. but i think the addict personality always wants to get more fucked up even though i know its too much.

after im done with this stuff i probably wont touch it again. its way too destructive. it basically takes over my entire life and disables me from accomplishing anything

scatter said it, you gotta be a no never again mindset.
otherwise you leave the door wide open for this situation.

i hope you get straightened out dude. you're in school and you got alot of stuff to look forward to. you seem to be intelligent and good natured, so dont let this shit eat at you. realize you slipped up and move past it.

youre in my thoughts and i dont really pray but im really hoping you are ok.

José · 02-21-2010, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mafoo

scatter said it, you gotta be a no never again mindset.
otherwise you leave the door wide open for this situation.

i hope you get straightened out dude. you're in school and you got alot of stuff to look forward to. you seem to be intelligent and good natured, so dont let this shit eat at you. realize you slipped up and move past it.

youre in my thoughts and i dont really pray but im really hoping you are ok.

that's what I was trying/should have said.

tedkennedy · 02-27-2010, 05:31 PM

ya well i am out of the week long pit of darkness, starting to get my energy/zest for life back, sorta.

dat der drugs.

thanks for your concern guys, it might not seem like much but it means alot to me when i have no one else to talk about it to...

i accept the fact i am a drug addict and that i cant touch drugs anymore. i get too fucked up, cant stop and become even more introverted than i already am.

**SageTree** · 02-27-2010, 05:33 PM

Good to hear Ted. Remember what that Zest feels like and put a little of it in your pocket for when you need it again, if you need it again.

SageTree

Geeno · 02-27-2010, 05:50 PM

Yeah ted them first few niggas said what needed to be said so I'll just add the we love you and got your back.

i guess i can share that ive been an addict and last time I was experiencing relapse/re-use, I became disgusted with myself and set a plan in motion for major changes in my life. That was a few months ago and since then I've moved across the country and quit the other drugs that I didnt even have a problem with! weed, cigs, amphetamine script... Now im about to toss alcohol too cause honestly... fuck it!

Bearsy · 02-27-2010, 10:13 PM

I love you man, I'm glad you're still with us.

Keep your head up and remember that all men falter.
It takes a great man to get back up and continue running.

And you, my friend, are a great man.

Mercury · 02-27-2010, 11:06 PM

Hahaha. ted. You got this man. Ain't nothin wrong with shakin things up a bit.

To quote jonathan davis "why's everything so tame? i like my life insane".

tedkennedy · 02-28-2010, 09:42 AM

thanks guys, i bawwed a little

02-21-2010, 02:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
tedkennedy now 14% blacker Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3,229 Thanks: 71 Thanked 585 Times in 364 Posts	fucked up day. 4 days ago i got dope for the first time in a long time of not doing any opiates. at first i thought to myself, oh it aint no big deal, you can just be responsible with it, not use it every day etc... so anyway, the second day i have it iinject 3/4 a packet before 0rgo class and the shit basically makes me retarded, i go to class moshed out of my gourd, i cant even see straight. i go home and spend the entire day in bed only getting up to puke.i cant eat or drink anything for the next 7 hours without puking. then finally when i can hold down food i inject the rest of the packet that contains my congealed blood. youd think i learned my lesson from this but when you have dope rational thought goes out the door today i tell myself, dont shoot up, spread it out, etc... but idk what happens and i find myself prepping a full packet. i inject the shit and black out for at least an hour. when i wake up i am sitting in my computer chair and my head is on the floor. basically i blacked out and fell backwards out of the chair. my spine was horribly contorted this entire time and i was in excrutiating pain. i have to use my arms to pull myself out of the chair and crawl onto my bed. at this point i feel like i am about to die. my first instinct is to take a shower, so i stumble to bathroom. i look in the mirror and i cant see straight at all, i am disturbed by teh fact that my eyeballs are facing opposite directions. i can barely take off my clothes to take a shower because my body is so fucked up from being contorted while i was blacked out. i crawl back into bed scared to fall asleep because i might not wake up, and i cant tell my folks becuase i dont want them to know i did drugs. when my mother comes in, i get up and pretend to be doing school work on my computer for 10 seconds, and then revert back to fetal position in bed so that i dont vomit. for the next couple hours it it is impossible to lift my head without puking, even now as i type this i have to take breaks or i will have to vomit. i am just so lucky i didnt die today. so damn lucky. now i remmber why H is so bad. __________________ matthew munari Last edited by tedkennedy; 02-21-2010 at 02:36 PM.

02-21-2010, 02:37 PM	#2 (permalink)
Grieves The Worst Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Interstate 8 Posts: 12,090 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 2,577 Thanked 3,117 Times in 1,712 Posts	Relapse is never as bright as the first few times, and it just magnifies all the reasons that one would want to quit in the first place... It seems like you have realized that and know what to do....You are overly stronger than your weakest moments make you feel...Gl on the road back... __________________ "And no matter what they said dollar is not your friend and it's the feelings that are hard to know are the feelings that all come slow No matter what they said dollar is not your friend and these feelings that so hard to know are the feelings that wont let go No don't let go, till you find a home World Unite and I'll love you forever"

02-21-2010, 02:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
Captain Cannabis safety word: more Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: m.i.a. Posts: 13,922 Thanks: 2,705 Thanked 3,174 Times in 1,812 Posts	be careful dude. i'm not saying you should have known better, but at least now you do know. you can't control yourself when you have this drug. i'm glad you are alive. take this as a lesson instead of dwelling on it as a failure __________________ fuck the monkeys

02-21-2010, 02:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
Waves Duderino Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: chiburbs Posts: 15,405 Thanks: 991 Thanked 4,036 Times in 2,224 Posts	ted i dont even wanna say anything cuz ive never had to wrestle with the demonic force that is opiate addiction. i just know that shits strong. keep up mang. just remember your life is your choices brother __________________ On this life that we call home The years go fast and the days go so slow

02-21-2010, 02:54 PM	#6 (permalink)
my_scatterheart Today, I am alive. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: NJ Posts: 3,565 Thanks: 1,486 Thanked 3,328 Times in 1,870 Posts	We all falter. __________________ Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

02-21-2010, 02:49 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sugar420 Freedom Bird Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 6,138 Thanks: 41 Thanked 183 Times in 733 Posts	i dont know what to add but my prayers and love go to you ted, im so glad youre still with us, please keep choosing to live.

02-21-2010, 03:08 PM	#7 (permalink)
SageTree ~Kalyāṇa-mitrā~ Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In Love Posts: 23,414 Blog Entries: 26 Thanks: 13,070 Thanked 6,768 Times in 4,664 Posts	Glad you're okay Ted. Take care of yourself. One day at a time. __________________ "What's oppressive is letting your life be confined by old definitions of what everything is." -Zen Meister my_scatterheart YaHooka is.... Cannabis lovers from around the world pulling up a comfy chair, picking up a vaporizer, a bong, a brownie, a pipe, or a joint, getting high, stoned, buzzed or healthy. Uniting our minds in conversation...While Portraying a Positive Image of marijuana and marijuana users to the world. Treat your fellow YaHookans with kindness,respect and tolerance.

02-21-2010, 03:22 PM	#8 (permalink)
José YaHookan Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 3,364 Thanks: 62 Thanked 147 Times in 72 Posts	holy crap and I thought I had problems to deal with. hang in there tk, just do what you did last time to quit.

02-21-2010, 03:26 PM	#9 (permalink)
Oceans 80 _`! TwiSTed !'_ Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 1,580 Thanks: 20 Thanked 62 Times in 37 Posts	man...don't forget what it's like to be dope sick homie...thats the only thing that has kept me from relapsin lately...i still remember the withdrawals thats also my biggest fear...forgetting what the sickness was like and gettin high and catchin a habit again.. i really don't want to go back to that shit glad to see you're still alive..keep your head up do you have any guilt for using? when i was tryin to quit...id get this really bad guilty feeling for getting high... __________________ Drugs Taught a Whole Generation of American Kids the Metric System... ### <3YaHooka

02-21-2010, 06:04 PM	#10 (permalink)
tedkennedy now 14% blacker Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3,229 Thanks: 71 Thanked 585 Times in 364 Posts	thanks for the support everyone. yea i feel pretty damn crummy about it. i dont know what went through my brain, the day before i said to myself that iwould never inject more than 1/2 a packet. but i think the addict personality always wants to get more fucked up even though i know its too much. after im done with this stuff i probably wont touch it again. its way too destructive. it basically takes over my entire life and disables me from accomplishing anything __________________ matthew munari Last edited by tedkennedy; 02-21-2010 at 06:11 PM.

02-21-2010, 06:34 PM	#11 (permalink)
José YaHookan Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 3,364 Thanks: 62 Thanked 147 Times in 72 Posts	sounds like it dude, that's a good plan. the quicker the better.

02-21-2010, 06:37 PM	#12 (permalink)
my_scatterheart Today, I am alive. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: NJ Posts: 3,565 Thanks: 1,486 Thanked 3,328 Times in 1,870 Posts	The "I will never inject more than 1/2" is what gets you dude. 1/2? Like that's better than 1, right? It's really funny, the things we can justify to ourselves to get us by. __________________ Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

02-27-2010, 05:31 PM	#15 (permalink)
tedkennedy now 14% blacker Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3,229 Thanks: 71 Thanked 585 Times in 364 Posts	ya well i am out of the week long pit of darkness, starting to get my energy/zest for life back, sorta. dat der drugs. thanks for your concern guys, it might not seem like much but it means alot to me when i have no one else to talk about it to... i accept the fact i am a drug addict and that i cant touch drugs anymore. i get too fucked up, cant stop and become even more introverted than i already am. __________________ matthew munari Last edited by tedkennedy; 02-27-2010 at 05:36 PM.

02-27-2010, 05:33 PM	#16 (permalink)
SageTree ~Kalyāṇa-mitrā~ Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In Love Posts: 23,414 Blog Entries: 26 Thanks: 13,070 Thanked 6,768 Times in 4,664 Posts	Good to hear Ted. Remember what that Zest feels like and put a little of it in your pocket for when you need it again, if you need it again. SageTree __________________ "What's oppressive is letting your life be confined by old definitions of what everything is." -Zen Meister my_scatterheart YaHooka is.... Cannabis lovers from around the world pulling up a comfy chair, picking up a vaporizer, a bong, a brownie, a pipe, or a joint, getting high, stoned, buzzed or healthy. Uniting our minds in conversation...While Portraying a Positive Image of marijuana and marijuana users to the world. Treat your fellow YaHookans with kindness,respect and tolerance.

02-27-2010, 11:06 PM	#19 (permalink)
Mercury Special Delivery Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: The States Posts: 8,150 Thanks: 294 Thanked 801 Times in 539 Posts	Hahaha. ted. You got this man. Ain't nothin wrong with shakin things up a bit. To quote jonathan davis "why's everything so tame? i like my life insane".

02-28-2010, 09:42 AM	#20 (permalink)
tedkennedy now 14% blacker Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3,229 Thanks: 71 Thanked 585 Times in 364 Posts	thanks guys, i bawwed a little __________________ matthew munari

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