tedkennedy

i occasionally do work for my neighbor, with another guy whose a good deal older than me but he has a little mental disability. i like working with the guy and think hes alright.

so anyway, i was telling him about how i go garage saling and he got really into it and was telling me how he was reading books on it and stuff and how he wanted to go garage saling with me. i thought i made it obvious to him that it was something i did with my father on weekends but he didnt get hint i suppose and kept bringing it up. then as we are done with work hes tells me he is probably busy and that he couldnt do it this week then maybe the next week.

i didnt really know what to say because its not like there is an easy way to tell someone you dont want to hang out iwth them so i was like "oh ok maybe dude"... so anyway i worked with him again today after trying to avoid the situation and hope he forgets about it. today i keep talking about how im moving away in a week and im obviously busy but i can tell he is thinking about it and wants to say someting. he is generally pretty easy to read.

i tried to set it up so he would just get hte hint, i left really quickly, said good bye to him and he just kept standing there looking at me as i walk away. i felt so freaking bad about it but what can i do asside from outright tell him i am not going garage saling with him and making up some pathetic excuse/lie

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matthew munari

José

so this is one of the first times you've experienced this? I've burned so many bridges for this exact reason. It sucks man.

tedkennedy

as a person with anxiety disorder i have experienced it many many times and its fucking traumatic to me. i hate having to deal with people. i will agree with anything someone says just to get them out of my face then late i will avoid the shit out of them and hope i never see them again. my entire life revolves around trying to avoid awkward situations.

in highschool this girl used to call me constantly and ask me to hang out but i had crushing anxiety towards her and she gave me horrendous panic attacks. everyday i would find some excuse not to hang out with her, and then in the off chance she would catch me i would have a panic attack, agree with everything she says and just try to make up an excuse to stop talking to her as fast as possible. this went on for like 4 years. finally one day i had to hang out with her and i agreed to go to her house, i fwent ballistic and swallowed all the pills and alcohol in my hosue and went to her house and bugged the fuck out the entire time trying to contain myself.

i have so many stories like that i would bore you by repeating them. its different now because this guy doesnt give me anxiety and i genuinely like him, he just doesnt understand that me and my father are a garage sale tag team and im not going to break that up 1 week before i leave home for good. i thought i made it obvious with hints but i think becuase he is a little challenged he didnt catch the hints and now its just awkward and i feel terrible about it.

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matthew munari

Grieves

tell him that it is strictly father son, and that to go sailing for garages you must have a son or a father...

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The Rev

Unfortunately, you have no control over other peoples' expectations, or interpretation of what you tell them. It's not your fault if the guy ends up butthurt, if you've been honest with him. People set themselves up for disappointment all the time, in the hopes that the guilt of others will prevent it, and thereby get them something they want. It's a little like deliberately falling down in the hopes that someone will grab you, because you want to be touched. There are better and more considerate ways to go about it, but humans are dumb monkeys sometimes, so you're stuck with dealing with this sort of thing.

Anyway, as one anxietiac to another, try not to look at this like "I could have prevented his disappointment, so it's my fault he feels that way." Circumstances didn't set him up to feel that way, he did.



The Rev

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tedkennedy

thanks rev, you right. i aint done nothing wrong. i tried to handle it the best i could but sometimes there is just no easy way to let people down. he will be ok im sure

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matthew munari

Mercury

garage sales - awesome

personal/professional relationships - dangerous

turmaline

Maybe he is confused, and thinks you are looking for a father figure and feels just as/most likely more awkward than you?

and you are worrying about nodda.

The_Jester

You can't run away from everyone, even if it's awkward. It's avoidance learning, and that my friend is a pain to deprogram(working on that one myself).

Just stay kind and be honest. I know it's hard but you gotta empathize for the guy here. Meeting people and making friends is really hard for people with mental disorders. I'm sure he's been through hell, just like you have with your anxiety troubles.

I'm not implying you should go hang out with the guy against your will, to be nice or something, because in my opinion that's not being nice at all. Maybe he has a hard time reading people, I know some autistic people really struggle with that. Sounds like he's just trying to be cool with you, and here you are trying to run away.

I've learned a lot hanging out with and tutoring my little brother(who also has mental disorders). It's a great exercise in patience and compassion, if I hadn't I would have one less real cool person in my life.

Whatever you chose to do, please be kind, lord knows what this man's been through.

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In LOVING kindness,

The forum fool.

myxomatosis

Ted my friend I'm aware of your social anxiety but jesus buddy, it shouldn't be that rough to just rationally explain to the dude that it's something you do to spend time with your father.

And herb, are you fucking retarded? I'm imagining if it's something he's repeatedly doing weekend after weekend that he's browsing other peoples sales and not holding one of his own weekly.

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oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
and why can't that always be
tossing aside from your birches crown
just enough dark to see
how you're the light over me

last.fm
blog deal (updated 12/22/11)

tedkennedy

i already explained that to him and he doesnt understand, he wants to be my friend and i do not really want to hang out with him but there is no easy way to explain that to him without making excuses or hurting his feelings, hence the problem.

some people look at a situation and think its no big deal, to me it is the worst. having to deal with people you dont want to deal with and they have expectations of you that you dont want to fufill but you are obligated to.

yea i think he is autistic actually if i had to guess. i empathize a large amount for the guy, my main concern is just that he doesnt take it personally and just realizes im busy or am doing my own thing.

the fact of the matter is i have very fewfriends as it is and barely hang out just because i dont want friends. i havent made a single new friendship in 5 years of college luz. epic achievement. i feel better just distancing myself with people so i dont get into situations like this. usually once my potential friendships enter the hanging out phase i freak out and dont ever want to see them again.

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matthew munari

myxomatosis

I'm not going to argue with you because I don't know what you said and I know that shit is rough for you. I didn't really get the impression that you clearly stated that it was something you do as a father/son bonding experience and then telling the dude "oh yeah maybe" or whatever clearly belies your original intentions, that's all I was saying.

Also the way you deal with people who force you into situations you don't want to be forced into is to force your way back out of it. It's a fact of life that sometimes you'll run into times where things you intentionally or unintentionally signed yourself up for make you uncomfortable and it's up to you whether it's worth your discomfort or you'd rather the chance of them potentially not understanding your rational explanation. Generally as long as you aren't a prick about it or provide a decent reason that doesn't sound like you're just blowing someone off no one ends up getting too butthurt about it unless they themselves have a problem.

__________________
oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
and why can't that always be
tossing aside from your birches crown
just enough dark to see
how you're the light over me

last.fm
blog deal (updated 12/22/11)

tedkennedy

yea i agree with you man i agree.

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matthew munari