JonSmoke

I have dealt with depression and anxiety for 5 or 6 years now, and I am getting tired of all the bull shit. I am a 20 year old male who currently isn't going to school or working (I have been looking for a job for the last two months, and am kind of burned out by school). I am living in an area I hate (Edmonton, Alberta), and although I do have a few friends, they aren't close and I often times get the feeling that they are using me for my weed (although other times they seem quite genuine). I also feel that because I have so few friends here ( and am used to having a good social life), I almost rely too much on the few social interactions I get. For instance, tonight, I was getting ready to go play basketball down at a park with a few friends. I get down there, wait for 45 minutes, and no one shows up. I text the guy i know the best, and 30 minutes late he tells me he and the other guys can't come. At this point, I am fucking furious; how could he not tell me this earlier? It may not be a big deal to them, it clearly isn't, but for someone as isolated and bored as I am, fuck, it is a big deal. The aftermath of all of this makes me feel almost suicidal with sadness (I have been hospitalized in the past for suicide/depression)...Nothin g ever seems to change or get better, even despite my best efforts. Weed is one of the few things I find comfort in, but even that seems pathetic (I can almost see myself becoming a hard drug addict before my eyes). Any help would be appreciated, I am looking for advice. Kind of near the end of my rope here...

SmokeaJoint

Hey man, sounds like a tough haul for sure. Don't do anything you will regret later man, its truly not worth it. Stick with the weed if it helps. I tried to find happiness in any drug available, and all I got for my troubles is a raging cocaine/opiates addiction and a vastly reduced savings account. Talk to someone, there has to be someone out there who you can trust enough to tell them how you feel. I personally think its a waste to off yourself and would feel terrible if you did so. Best of luck, lemme know if theres anything I can do to help.

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mothernature

you have way too much time on your hands. find something to do.

volunteer at the local kids club. help an old lady mow her lawn. anything that takes you out of yourself.

it feels good to help others and you may find that the old lady has a hot granddaughter!!!

SmokeaJoint

LOL giggity giggity!

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JonSmoke

Getting laid would help things, but most of the girls I meet through I guys i know now are taken. I dont think I look too bad:

Blunt Trama

I wouldn't say you're bad looking, but perhaps you could post a picture that doesn't appear as if you want to murder someone.

You should always make an effort to make new friends. I also agree to keep smoking if you think it helps.

Parallax

i'm the same boat as you man, except i'm away at uni in thunder bay, i didn't really have a lot of friends back home but now i got pretty much noone to chill with, nobody really shares the same interests as me, everyones all into trucks and football and drinking till they puke and fall the down a ravine, or they're hardcore nerds that just wanna play video games all day.

not much you can do really except suck it up and work on solving your problems one by one and know that there's better times ahead. the one thing keeping me going is knowing that when im done school ill be a badass hotshot mechanical engineer with a metal pinky ring they made out of a bridge that fell down cuz an engineer fucked up, and ill be able to find good work anywhere in canada. if i graduate that is..

if i was you id get some supermarket clerk job for a year, work your ass off, save your money, and then try to get into a community college and take plumbing or metal working or some trade so you can get a more or less decent job and climb out of the hole. best of luck.

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JonSmoke

Just an update: More of the same shit keeps happening. On Friday I was trying to chill with one of my buddies and see "The Other Guys"....At the last second, he backs out saying he has guests. "Lets chill tomorrow..." Ok, fuck it, not a huge deal.

Today he gives me a call saying that he can't hang out until the evening today. Again, not a huge deal (but at this point I am getting kind of bored, and just overall sad about how the weekend was going). We finally chill with one of his friends. We end up rolling a jay that mostly consists of my weed. 45 minutes late he drops me off saying he has to go to a friends birthday party, and would either call me later tonight about going to a party, or tomorrow. I won;t get the call tonight or tomorrow... guaranteed. All in all, not huge deals, but together all of these experiences have combined to make this a pretty shitty weekend. This behavior also furthers my assumption that they are only down to kick it when I have weed that I am willing to share. I am used to going out and partying on the weekend...This shit is killing me! Help appreciated.

SageTree

Let me give this a read brother....

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SageTree

What are you filling your days with if you aren't working or schooling? There is no doubt not feeling 'purpose' is going to stink and taint your mood for everything else that is happening.

If you feel like your friends are using you for weed, make a decision on what 'friend' means to you. You should usually ideally, enjoy spending time with friends, and when you share, it's not weird and full of second guesses. Do you GET the weed through/from them? Maybe try 'being dry' for a while and see what happens, run an experiment of sorts. Test the waters, raise the bar and set some boundaries because it sounds like you are having a lot of the violated right now.

If you genuinely feel you have depression or anxiety I urge you to seek help or further help.

Being your are is hard and growing up aint easy. I know that doesn't help much, but just know that some of us survived and cheers to hoping you do to.

Get in here and journal a few times a week about what is going on, perhaps you'll get some thoughts in order. Hell, type it out and then delete it, just get some linear thoughts kickin it up there.

Much love
SageTree

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JonSmoke

Thanks for the advice Sage Tree, hopefully I can put it towards some use.

Today, I feel even worse if that is possible.

Waited on another friend who said he wanted to chill all day to call, and he finally texts me saying he was at a soccer game that went to triple over time (ya fucking right). So I text him back asking if he wanted to hang out or do something later...2 hours later, still no return text.

Just more of the same, and another wasted weekend; getting treated like shit, while being bored out of my mind. Honestly, if this shit continues to happen (and of course I know the change needs to start with me), I might not have the will to keep going...I just feel dead inside. Any other help would be really appreciated, especially now..

SageTree

Maybe you should have a day or two during the week where you do something FOR YOU and if other people want to come, all the better, but if not, fuck it and go enjoy yourself.

What kind of things are there to DO where you live?

And I ask, What DO you fill your days with?

Much love man
SageTree

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JonSmoke

I try and get out and do stuff that I enjoy, but most of those activities (going to see movies, playing music, playing sports, etc..) are either enhanced, or require having a few other people to hang out with. To be honest, doing things by myself in public is kind of phobia to me. When I first moved to Canada (my senior year of high school), I didn't want to eat lunch by myself so i literally just sat in my car in the parking lot, not even eating, just sitting there feeling sorry for myself. In retrospect I should have been more outgoing, but the move was pretty tough on me; I had lived the same place my whole life, and was then moved to a new country my SENIOR FUCKING YEAR of high school, and expected to just be good with everything.

My days currently are mostly spent at home (unless i go out to run errands or hang out with friends/play sports) studying to get my "Insurance Selling" permit...I really don't want to sell insurance, but I need a job, so fuck it. The problem is, I usually only study 1-2 hours a day tops. The rest of the day is spent really not doing much of anything unless I can convince one of my "friends" to go out and do something.

I think the worst part of this whole thing is toll my self esteem is taking. I used to be a confident guy, with a good social life, and a bright future...Now no one wants to hang out with me, I don't get out much, and my future seems to be getting more and more bleak.

SageTree

So moving to Canada is what messed a lot of things up for you, is what you are saying? What changed once you got here that made you not be a social person?
Was it that you'd known all those people your whole life?
When DO you feel comfortable in public by yourself?
Even once?

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JonSmoke

Things were so messed a year after i moved here, i moved back to the states to attend college. That didn't work out (psychopathic roommates suck), so I moved back to Canada to see if i could work things out.

In my home town, I was always kind of shy, but since I knew everyone it wasn't too big a deal. When I got thrust into this new situation the shyness seemed to become my defining trait.

I feel comfortable in public with friends and family; As long as I am in a group, I usually do ok. Even when running basic errands and stuff like that lone I do fine because I'm not thinking about it.

SageTree

It's interesting that when you have purpose or stuff to do you feel more natural and at ease, or at least not thinking about it.

That is basically the direction I'm headed with this Brother. I'm not sure if you have other issues with the depression/anxiety, or not knowing what to do, makes you depressed and anxious?

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SmokeaJoint

Your friends sound like shit bro. I hated the feeling of having people around just so they can smoke my shit, worst in the world. Kick em to the curb I say, get to know some real mother fuckers. There's no shortage of bad ass people around, and I hope you can find and get to know some.

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JonSmoke

I have bad depression and anxiety issues on both sides of my family, so ya, I am pretty fucked up. Should probably be seeing a psychiatrist, but I think a lot of the issues could be solved be just making some changes. I wish I knew what those changes were.

SageTree

It's corny, but feeling like there is a purpose in life really helps.

I think that is why retired people whig out until they go to volunteer somewhere or get their hobby on.

Doing something physical that wears you out might help up the good vibes and tire out the worried ones? I know it's summer and hot, take a 20 mins jog or go swim some laps. I don't know man. I hope something interesting comes up for you, because you sound stuck right now.

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JonSmoke

I see what you are saying Sage, will give it a shot.

I made some plans for tonight (to finally see The Other Guys), but I have a feeling that shit will fall through like it always does. I will let you guys know.