Purd Hupley

The depression is just beating my ass. It's been a year since my divorce (which I know is a good thing, but I keep dwelling) and lost my job (also a good thing), 2 since I lost my dad. As a new dad, I just feel like someone's going to tap me on the shoulder and ask me if I know I'm in totally over my head. At my job, I don't need anyone to tap me on the shoulder, because I know I'm in over my head. I'm going on my first vacation in over 4 years in three weeks, and I'm just not sure I'm going to make it, if that makes any sense. It's the first day of my weekend and I'm sitting here trying to stop crying and stop my hands from shaking.

And i sit here and think that I've been living this way, with these thoughts and fears and terrors and regrets for 10 years now. And I wonder how I'm going to live another 30 years this way. It's not like I want to die. I'm scared to death of dying, plus I won't know how Dexter plays out this season. But on the other hand, I'd love nothing more than to just go to sleep tonight...and just not wake up. Nice, painless and clean. With a fat life insurance policy to pay off. I'm worth more dead than I ever will be alive.

I don't think I'm looking for advice or guidance or sympathy. I think I just needed to vent in a forum where my weaknesses can't be used against me in the real world.

Thanks for listening.

my_scatterheart

I can never convey in words how false this is, and I apologize for my inadequacy to do so.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

José

sometimes it's really easy to lose sight of the big picture. just you simply making this post has made an effect on the peoples live who read it. you're definitely worth more living than dead... If you just go outside and ask a stranger how they are doing today, you've already affected another persons life. Maybe that stranger is just as down as you and simply asking them how they are doing could make them feel that much better.

what if someone you walked by on the street asked you how you are doing? do you think that same stranger would help you if you fell and hurt yourself as they walked by? you never know when you'll be in the right place at the right time to make a good impression on someone. specially kids, they are the most impressionable at the most random times. you said,"as a new Dad?" did your ex just have your baby or what? you surely can't leave your kid here alone. You simply being alive for them to meet you when their older should make life worth living. You wouldn't want them to go through life never having actually met their father, would you? sorry I'm not trying to put pressure on you, but sometimes life's unfair. but it's still good.

my_scatterheart

Glad you're back spanks

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

SmokeaJoint

Hey man, thats tough. I've suffered a lot of loss in my short 19 years of life, and a lot of bullshit and drama, so I can sympathize. All I can say is, your'e doing good to get it off your chest, in a place where people actually give half a damn, and it DOES get better. Just know that you ain't gotta tough it out on your own.

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AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE!
Some restrictions may apply. Void where prohibited

turmaline

You sound totally overwhelmed, I am as well. I can give you advice, or tell my story which would come off as selfabsorbed in people's eyes.

If you feel like an ant in a sand trap..lemme know.

pm's always welcome.

SageTree

I am glad G&S is here for you and that you feel safe talking with us.

There is no inadequacy suggested in me saying any of the following, I sincerely wish to be of service. You sound like you are in bad shape and have been dealing with this scourge for a long time and right now it doesn't sound like you perceive a way out of these feelings. Wishing death upon yourself, even if it's not suicide, is still a pretty serious sign that you are at your wits and looking for a way out.

So I have to ask...Have you talked to anyone professionally? I have had experience myself with cognitive counseling technique which takes what you feel is wrong, and applied some logical coping mechanism as well as looking at root causes of the issue.

If I may humbly offer... please consider that you are a person experiencing depression. You aren't depression (as in 'I am Depressed', noun form) This means that there is still a 'You' in all this mess.

That I feel is how talking with someone helped me. I stepped back and saw 'person x' experiencing what was happening to me and then took that reasoning and and empathy and applied that to my own situation. Realizing that things happen and perhaps not 'to us' even though it feels quite the opposite. And basically we are just responding with the best we got at the time, the answers are ultimately in there, but not always apparent for accessing when we need them due to numerous other things that happen in our life.

I hope you find some sure ground to stand on for a few My Friend and that you're able to take you next step with more assurance.

You can always talk more privately in PM if you wish other wise please indulge the caring community of Love here at YaHooka.

~SageTree


PS. Spanky, I love it, thanks for the kind and true words.

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José

wow, I'm going to remember that forever now. thank you for that.

msicidron

this is a good place.

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Bearsy

I'm an atheist, but I've always liked this verse, cause it pretty much says exactly what you need to be happy. Interpret "enter the kingdom of heaven" however you'd like. Kids are always happy, cause they know the truth. That being, that none of this shit matters in the long run, and the only way to be happy is to be happy.

Or more specifically, be like this babby. He's got the right idea.


I've been severely depressed for nearly all of my teen years and most of my adult life(granted I'm only 21) but I've pretty much perfected saying fuck it. It makes life a lot easier.

I may be rambling, but I'm tired and sick and somewhat drunk, so apologies. And honestly I just wanted to use that picture but still seem relevant to the topic at hand and not look like a dick.

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msicidron

rediscover what things you love about life, however small

in fact... the smaller the better. small things are good

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Sir-Ex

that picture fucking ROCKS


But also, there's a big difference between having the magical enthusiasm of an infant and just being a big fucking baby.


---

Purp Hedley, it sounds like you're afraid of doing what it takes and you're insecure about your ability to do it.

People either find a way to deal with that sort of thing, making themselves stronger in whatever way they can, they do that or they do nothing, fuck it up, and die depressed. If you're able to observe you've been living the wrong way for the last 10 years and you don't want to do another 30 like it, the obvious solution is to change the way you've been living.

Figure out the change you need to happen, figure out how you can do it, man the fuck up, and do it.

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Smile

Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

The Rev

As a fellow depression sufferer, my advice is to see your doctor. Depression is a treatable disease. For myself, SSRI's and meditation have made all the difference, with both the feelings of hopelessness and the anxiety at being overwhelmed. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to think your way out of the problem - I did this for nearly 20 years and it never worked for long (and I'm one hell of a thinker, BTW).

Hang in there, Purd.



The Rev

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kamikazi89

it's important to keep in mind certain things are out of one's control, proper nutrition and excersize are two that aren't..( cure alls), ...a good friend with a few kind words also does a world of good...

whatever life has in store : you can handle


*i do suggest cutting back on sugars and large amounts of caffiene

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katie west is the best

Roach

I'm trying every day to live more in the now.

The past you cannot change.
Fretting over it does no good.


And the best one can hope for is to aim for a future sans such regrets.

And be willing and flexible enough to change when reason tells you to.

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לזיין את הקופים

profit

dexter should be interesting to watch this season

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José

I think this was originally posted here actually..

yo.

come on man your kids don't care about your money, they care about you.
Life is hard man and I'm sure you told yourself this before, but your kid is your life man you have to make it through for him/her. Let her/him be the light of your life and don't dwell on the past. Dwell on you and your kid's future man....

On a long enough time line, things can only get better.

Much love, yo.

watch this video (be prepare to cry) and feel better about life.
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yo.

^why is that video not coming up? its embedded...

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Purd Hupley

Hey, I just wanted to thank everyone for giving me a shoulder to cry on and for the support and the advice. Last Saturday was a really rough day. It's kind of a perpetual motion machine...tired, down, thinking, getting lower, even more tired, even more down, even more thinking...and so on.

Yeah, I'm just overwhelmed right now and I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. And yeah, I'm medicated and see a psychologist. He thinks a lot of my problem is that I'm way too self aware, that along with expecting to die all the time, I second guess every thought I have.

The funny thing is that most people who know me think I'm pretty happy, always cracking a joke or whatever. But when I get comfortable enough to kind of let them see into the abyss, it's always pretty surprising to them.

In a week we're taking off up Sage's direction (I think) to do some serious soaking and hopefully relaxing. That should improve things...maybe give some clarity so I can figure out what to do next.

And start doing some creative stuff. I know it's the only way I can get away from having to work at a real job, which is a huge source of stress.

Thanx much for letting me go off here. I don't post much here, but it feels good to be welcomed.