The Rev

How do you resolve the money thing?

My wife and I have totally different relationships with money. I like to splurge occasionally, when I have money, but I also like to be really tight with my money alot too. I also hate to buy things, prefering to splurge on experiences, like vacations or going out somewhere nice. She, on the other hand, likes to buy the latest gadgets and prefers to spend more on stuff like that than I do.

Thing is, constantly spending makes me feel very anxious, especially when I don't have alot coming in, so I really hate doing it. However, my wife really hates having to always pass on buying extras; I think it's kind of a comfort to her.

I'm not saying that either way is wrong (in fact, I'm probably more uptight than she is), but we've been together for 11 years now, and I've never gotten used to not having times of no spending, so it's always a source of stress to me. How do you resolve a thing like this?

Thanks.



The Rev

__________________

HTAM

I am so far away from providing an answer to that question.

I think about how spending money at the moment might affect my wife and daughter a lot.

I also think about what value I am getting with the money I spend.

MY wife bought a DVD player a few months ago because the old one died. I told her I wished she would of just bought another BluRAY player, but she said she was happy with the dvd player, that's all she wanted. That was the end of the conversation. It makes her happy, and it was what she wanted.

To be fair though, my wife is also an excellent shopper when it comes to new purchases most of the time. Like you, she also hesitates to spend money at times when we have little coming in.

I don't think it's so much money with you as it is instant and tangible gratification vs the imprint of the whole experience that manifests in the mind and memory.

mothernature

Rev, do you feel your wife is over spending? Why are you stressed exactly? Do you have a emergency fund? And then, what kind of "things" does she buy?

It may just be a personality difference. I'd rather have a new TV (gadget) than a dinner at a nice restaurant. As long as the spending doesn't hurt the family.....

My dad worked for the government and had a nice pension. Mom was a stay at home mom. However, they both had very small SS checks coming in. They wanted to go to England for 2 months. They decided to save their SS checks for the trip.

Well, Dad would just cash his and spend the money, Mom put hers in the bank. After about 6 months, Mom said, "I am going to England for 2 months. I have $500 saved, how much to you have?" Dad deposited his checks from then on. They went to England and had a great time. They were married for 44 years.

Xil

you must beat her with a stick no thicker than your thumb until she sees it your way!

but for real, all i can recommend is communication and finding some sort of balance. are you the sole/greater source of income or does your wife work? Are you children still dependent?

__________________

The Rev

With me, it's security. I like to buy stuff from time to time, but mostly, I just wanna know I've got something set aside. For my wife, it's about wanting the latest gadget or some new clothes, or a new purse. I personally think it's a comfort thing for her. Getting new stuff makes her feel good, when life is a bitch.

I don't want to get into deciding who is right, like making an argument that someone is doing something wrong (she spends too much, or I am too much of a tight wad). That's not an argument that can be won. We just have different relationships with money, and as a result, I am often really stressed out. I never get that time when we spend no money at all, that I used to fall back on when I thought that I was spending too much. She has agreed to do this in the past, but she never follows through (for example, every year at christmas I hear, "Let's just get this, then we will really knuckle under after new years" but then there's a birthday in january, then it's valentines day, then her birthday, and so on, and I never get a fucking break)

Anyway, we're getting ready to move into an RV and live a gypsy life for awhile, and I have come to realize that I've been hoping that this stage in our life will finally be the one where we live well within our means. She won't have the stress of work anymore, I tell myself, and I think that will be enough. However, I think I may be fooling myself a bit, and I really don't want to keep worrying about running out of money for the rest of my life.

BTW, Xil, you haven't met my wife. If I hit her, I'd wake up with a harp. She's latina.



The Rev

__________________

~1~

Separate bank accounts...

I pay for all the priorities and she takes care of the necessities/frivolities. I pay the bills and keep the house/cars running, she feeds/clothes us and the kids and we talk about what we want to splurge on and whether or not we need the 'latest greatest...' In 20 years plus of marriage we have never argued over money.

__________________

Lloydy

She couldnt spend if she was dead.
Im just sayin'

__________________
Keep the red flag flying high

OldMan&TheWeed

I make all the money, so I decide.

__________________
Nintey-three percent of what I say is brilliant, factual information and seven percent is complete bullshit. Have fun deciding which is which.

OldMan&TheWeed

Thats how I used to do it, back when I was with a working woman.

__________________
Nintey-three percent of what I say is brilliant, factual information and seven percent is complete bullshit. Have fun deciding which is which.

The Rev

That's a great idea, actually. We tried that once, and it did a great deal to relieve my stress. It fucked her world up, tho, because she has no concept of keeping track of money. Since we'll have a fixed amount of money for awhile, I worry that if I just split it and said, "today you buy gas, tomorrow I will" I would end up in a situation where her money was gone long before mine.

I dunno, tho. This idea merits greater contemplation.



The Rev

__________________

The Rev

I think my respect for you, Lloydy, derives mostly from the fact that you always consider all the angles.



The Rev

__________________

Xil

haha definitely joking on the beating with a stick.

sounds like the rv trip might be just what you want. you're already a lucky man if you can convince your wife to embark on that (i know my father has been barking up that tree for years )

maybe when she decides to splurge on a new good that makes her feel happy you could simultaneously "splurge" some money into a high yield cd or something?

__________________

Roach

divorce helped me .

__________________

לזיין את הקופים

Lloydy

that would work. when shes skint tell her "see thats what happens when you spend money on shit. I hope this has taught you a lesson, better get walking or you'll be late"

__________________
Keep the red flag flying high

BigSpliffSmoka

Separate bank accounts. My life is odd though.....
She currently owns two apartments in Korea... while I own the one we are living in now. I pay all the bills at my home and her renters pay hers.
She has a lot more money than I do.... she has sold a few businesses and is taking a break right now. When she is out here I pay for everything... which is ridic cause my paycheck was cut in half when I came back to the states.. She knows this and bitches every time I buy something like.... car parts.. video games... you know shit I don't need. She just spent $30k on a surgery that was completely elective and in my opinion not needed. If she ever brings up a money situation to me I will slap her in her dirty mouth.....
Sorry for the rant
But yea... maybe split the bills and then whatever money is left is for each to spend.. have a joint savings and the both of yous put a little money in there every month...? DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS. Buy what you can afford and save for what you want. It is way worth it in the end.
Money in a relationship has been the root of many problems... maybe it's just me.

__________________
So if the devil wear Prada,
Adam Eve wear Nada,
I'm in between, but way more fresher.

theonlyhosh

In my home, when money comes in, regardless of who brings it, it goes into the one checking account we have. We also have a savings account which we keep the bulk of our money in, which unfortunately lately has become simply an emergency backup account. I foresee only having to open another for the welding business I'm founding. Her and I came to an agreement long ago that with our girls, and given our love and devotion and all that jazz, we just couldn't continue to fight about who paid for what. She is a great lady in many regards, but that one shines out a little; that she can support my butt while I go to school and still call the money "ours." I have a feeling she has an ulterior motive; when the welding biz takes off she'll be all, "Okay babe, I'm retiring at 30. Thanks for finally making more than me!" Seriously though that's what I plan for, although those plans may never be realized, given the economy and college for two children and gas and and and and and. I was a dependent for the first 25 years of my life, so I figure it's my turn to be the giver, if I can swing it.

Every once in a while I'll want to buy something without her seeing it show up as a charge in the account, but I get over it. Privacy? Are you kidding? I must ask myself if I want this thing to last. Hers is mine, mine is hers, I think the line went. It's my humble opinion that a relationship with closed doors is doomed to falter, at best, end miserably at worst. Stuff like that for me has acted as little wedges between us, continually hammered in by suspicion and hurt to make the gulf deeper, the split wider, the fights bigger. Little secrets are big bad monsters between us. That's the way I like it.

We still quibble about who spends more and how it is spent, and I am in the awkward position of being the intrusively thrifty and miserly jobless guy, making sure bills get paid and that we don't blow all of it on the uh... extraneous stuff, but it works like gangbusters. And when it doesn't, like when the schizer really hits the fan and electricity is getting shut off, yet she still wants to be a pampered queen, I let us crash and burn. Hopefully someday she'll learn that when you get low, you tighten up.

~1~

^^^ You're so pussy whipped...

__________________

theonlyhosh

Ouch. Well I can't lie, it's true. But I get it frequently with regularity and intensity. She swallows, with a smile in her eyes.

And since when is it pussy-whipped to man up? You call me whipped, I call you a punk. Don't get married if you can't hack it, punk. Oh and divorce is for quitters, other punk.

~1~

Dude, it's called humor, lighten up.

Don't know if you noticed but I'm the guy who has been married over twenty years? To the same woman even!

__________________

Roach

you're just in asshole heaven aren't you.

you won't last long here.

__________________

לזיין את הקופים