Jimmycube

As some of my closer yahookan friends have heard i have had been having a bit of a tough couple weeks. Due to the damage i recieved from my flu shot all those years back my spinal chord becomes inflamed a few times a year...and yeah it did it again but it seems to be doing a lil better now.

Also a good friend of mine just got put away for 20 years for drug related circumstances. *undercover agent got him*

My friend i mentioned in OHs who had a coke problem and just got out of rehab shot himself saturday. It just been a bad couple weeks.

I just want to thank all of you who have said kind things and did their best to help me through it.

Umm if for those of u who have my e-mail address i would love to hear from you i could still use some people to talk too when the night get bad. I would love to talk to u guys on msn but mine is totally fucked up and i cant get it to work after multiple reinstalls.

So if u could please download google chat andadd me i would really appreciate it. Its a small file and its real easy to use so...yeah. If u feel like doing so please do it.

much love and thanx again for those who reached out

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When you punish a person for dreaming their dream, dont expect them to thank or forgive you

Jimmycube

also please talk to me here too but.....i would rather talk in real time so...but yeah anything would really help right now

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When you punish a person for dreaming their dream, dont expect them to thank or forgive you

kitch

there are times when I can help you out and times when you must fall. There are times when you must live in doubt and I can't help at all.

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SageTree

Jimmy, you're on my heart and in my prayers. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your friend, and that you've been physically troubled lately as well.

I'm about to sign off for the day, I'm sorry, as it's about dinner time and my Wife is on her way home.

If I can I'll get on gmail tonight I will....

IF NOT....

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE look for me tomorrow. I'll be around. And I'll look for you.

Lots of Love Man. Hug your family a lot tonight And here's a big cosmic one from me. ><

SageTree

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Mikey

hey jimmy c
i dont know what to say other then we're here for you man

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RIP Gov

turmaline

I'm always here you know where i am Always thinkin and huggin yah.

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"I'd rather a frontallabotomy...th an a bottleinfrontofme".

Sugar420

my prayers too.
when we start to feel overwhelmed by shit all happening at once, one of the best things we can do is practice being present in the present moment. i know thats easy to say and hard to do but any amount of effort in this direction can be helpful. be present inside yourself, aware of your breathing. be present for your family. be aware that the whole universe is shining love onto you. (((((((jimmeh)))))))

mothernature

I'm here too.

SmokeaJoint

Wow Jimmy my old Cube, thats some heavy shit man. Hope your doing ok though bro. PM me for some email info if ya wanna, no pressure though.

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Jester4yall

Man thats sucks about your friend getting popped. My bestfriend got popped with 11lbs @ a stateline and I miss the heck outta him but he's only got 1 more year left.. I am uber happy for your friends recovery process going well. Be sure your there for him bc relapse is part of recovery. Been thru it myself for same problem when I was 26. Costed me a lot of friendships, money, and a marriage. Glad ur doing well and IF u ever need somebody to talk to hit me us.

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

Jimmycube

Well....i think u might have mis-read that part about my friend going through recovery....he just killed himself.

But yo mang...i appreciate the support anyways. thank u sir

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When you punish a person for dreaming their dream, dont expect them to thank or forgive you

Jimmycube

thank u all so much guys...its just been really tough....i dont know how else to say it. Last year i had a different friend hang himself...every year for the last 3 years i have had a friend kill themselves.

I have tried to kill myself before so know a lil bit about what they may have been thinking. I am just so glad i never managed to actually die because i would have missed out on so many good things. I mean i still have really hard days and honestly i still do think about killing myself ever now and again buti just keep trying to fight it and so far so good. I am just blessed to have the family and friends i do.

Its just sad man...i know how hard life can be i really do and sometimes it takes years to get better but eventually it does...the problem is that it gets bad again and the process kinda is never ending.

If any of u have known a person who has ended their own life, do u know that feeling u get ware u just get angry at yourself because u feel like maybe there was something u could have did to help them out?

Like maybe i just coulda called him that night and been like "hey man u wanna go out tonight?" then maybe we would have had a great night and he would have felt better and it never would have happened. I know i shouldnt really beat myself up about it but man...its just so hard not too.

i am just sad really fuckin just lost. Again i really appreciate u guys listening...please say prayers for all of us tonight or good vibes.

I know this is selfish but also please just keep talking to me and doing what u guys have been doing. It means a lot to me

i love u guys...

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When you punish a person for dreaming their dream, dont expect them to thank or forgive you

Sugar420

i know that feeling. in my case, i didnt want to be angry at the person for doing what they did, so i turned the anger onto myself. it was easier than to admit i was hurt by that act and that i was mad at them. it took me a while to realize that blaming myself for what other ppl do gets you nowhere, and even then, it was a while until i was able to let go of taking it so personally.


edit: heh, i donno what happened thur, my post got chopped off or something. possibly it made no sense anyway

Dandaweedman

I've had lots of friends die, I feel for you and know how you feel.
Nothing much I can say because I suck at this kind of thing but I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

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Jester4yall

Your right I did.. Very Sorry man. Sounds like a great family you got there.. Have a good one!

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

Jimmycube

no need to be sorry man. I knew what u meant to say and appreciate your support

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When you punish a person for dreaming their dream, dont expect them to thank or forgive you

José

I'm glad to hear you feel this way and you do regret the decision you made in the past. I was just talking tonight with an old friend about how someone in 6th grade killed himself who went to our school. I have a feeling people who kill themselves tend to not be "seeing straight."

I don't really know what you've been going through though so I can't rightfully speak about anything. I've had an easy life and I sometimes wish I experienced more harsh things to give me a different perspective sometimes.

Anyways... I love you too jimmy!

Jimmycube

thanx for the support man.

My suicide attempts began after i got paralyzed. I had a 5% chance of regaining any movement from the neck down and had been in the hospital for several months and i dint really see a way out. However, i had a really great family *brothers, sister mom dad* and my future wife lain *my daughter wasnt born yet*.

So i decided i was gonna try and tough it out for them..i kinda gave up on myself but i wanted to keep trying for them and really sense i couldnt move it would have been hard to kill my self anyways. but after many many months i started to get feeling back in my feet and then i did a ton of physical therapy and i got to the point ware i could walk a little bit.

Here is ware things stated to get bad. Once i got my feeling back....i developed chronic pain through out my body....i mean...it was so bad all i wanted to do was die...i went from a kinda chubby college kid 170lbs to 115lbs. Now at the time the drs kept saying u have like a year or two to live.

So i decided well.....if i am gonna die in year or so anyways...i am gonna go out with a bang right. Well, this is ware that ugly heroin chick came into the picture and introduced me to H. Well, basically i said fuck everything and just started doing heroin non stop to kill the pain. Well one thing lead to another and at one point i was doing heroin, fentanyl, methadone, oxy, morphine and dilaudid all at once.

So i ODed a few times by accident....Then some wares along the line i took a look at my life and the fact that i hadnt died yet like the drs had said i was going too plus i left my beautiful *GF at the time and baby daughter at this point* and here i was....a total junkie.....living with a junkie who i hated and was only with her for the heroin and i was just like "ok......u might have had a chance if u would have tried...if u wouldnt have said fuck it i am gonna just do heroin till i die. But..i gave up...and now i am really fucked. Everything i loved was washed away in drugs...fuck it."

So i tried to kill myself 3 times all via taking bottles of xanax mixed with h, fent morphine oxy...well 3 times of trying and i got brought back twice. The first time i tried i dint do enough i guess, the next two times i did but got brought back.

Then u know the rest of the story i think. My girl Lain *the one i loved and am now married too* and my daughter almost died in a car accident. Like i mean....u can do a search for the thread because its on here some wares and it was at that point ware shit clicked. I was like fuck this...i am not doing this anymore. Fuck heroin woMAN, fuck heroin...i am going to do one good thing in my life and go be with the girls i should have been with from the beginning if its the last thing i do.

blah blah blah...i got stabbed by heroin chick stealing her H...used it to ween myself off opiates while i sat at the hospital with lain and my daughter....and well here i am today married to Lain, raising my daughter, doing good *cept for my brain, spine and nerves are fucked and always wil be*

but yeah things turned out fuckin better than my wildest dreams really. It was just a shitty ride for a long time.

Thats why when my friends keep killing themselves it throws me back into this fuckin weird dark place again...like not only am i loosing friends but its opening up all my old mental wounds...its really hard for me to handle.

i just dont know why i made it and they dint...i was a bigger fuck up than them...a way worse person...but here i am...and they are gone.

its just fucked up.
-------

i am not going to do anything rash....suicide isnt an option for me anymore i have to much to live for...and like a lot of very kind people on here have said i am a better person than i think i am sometimes. Its just still really tuff day to day though and man......i am sick of loosing friends

i am just venting and rambling so please bare with me.

i will be ok...my friends are in a better place *i will meet them again some how in some way* i dunno i ....i am just gonna quit here cause i cant talk about it anymore tonight and i am just rambling.

but thank again for all the suppport guys and gals...it means A LOT to me!!!!! thank u from the bottom of my heart

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When you punish a person for dreaming their dream, dont expect them to thank or forgive you

SmokeaJoint

Im not a jesus freak, but I do believe theres a reason for everything. Jimmy, reading that above lets folks like me who wonder sometimes if it can get any better and if death would be any worse, that shit right there brings hope. If you, who was paralyzed, sick, told he was dying, and hitting rock bottom HARD can still crawl back out and be alright, anyone can.

So thanks man. You helped me feel better about my own shitty life. And I really hope that helps you too.

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AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE!
Some restrictions may apply. Void where prohibited

Grieves

I wish i could empathize half as much as you can Jimmy, but all i can do is offer the perspective of not letting yourself get to hung up or thrown by the choices other people make...Sure we all have an impact but there is nothing any of us can do to make choices for anyone but ourselves...You are an amazing fucking guy who has stayed great through the most intense trials that life could throw at someone and you have to know that the people around you are all better because you are in their(our) lives...Rest easy knowing that those moments that you touched other people's lives are not the darkness that took them out of this world but the brightness that carries them to the next...Do not take on the weight of others sorrow because that will only make your brightness cease...


a big <3 and hug for you for these times of confusion...

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